Trying To Lighten Up

I was reading over my blog entries and it occured to me that most of them are depressing. I don't mean to be a downer all the time. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and am depressed or emotionally flatlined most of the time. I take medication but this keeps me from being suicidal or manic and doesn't eliminate mild depression or hypo manias ( hypo mania is slightly manic state without the delusions of full-blown mania). I have spent a good part of my life being depressed which means that I have alot of negative thinking in my head most of the time. I am used to this kind of thinking and don't notice it until I feel less depressed. I have alot of depressive habits like staying in bed for hours, vegging out in front of the t.v., eating junk food, thinking negative thoughts, being anxious, ect. It's hard not to be drawn to these habits even when I am feeling better.

When I am feeling good I get anxious because I wonder if I am being manic. I can't enjoy my improved mood because it may be a sign that I am getting sick. My crazy sleep schedule has made it difficult to keep my medication regimen. I often feel bad when I realize that I have not been taking my meds every day like I am supposed to. I know that I have to have a certain amount of my medication in my system for it to work. I need to take my medication but it's been hard because I forget sometimes even after all this time. I feel guilty because if I get sick it's my fault and we can't afford the hospital because out insurance doesn't cover my illness because it's a pre-existing condition.

Not working has been very depressing for me. I have felt guilt for not being able to contribute to the household income. I felt stupid and useless. I also felt lazy because I couldn't bring myself out of my depressions. I just felt so aimless especially since I no longer believe in God. I also felt like I was waiting to die, especially after my sister died. I felt sure that I wasn't going to see my 50th birthday. I just waited for the inevitable disaster to happen. Nothing has happened. I need to lighten up. I'm afraid to lighten up because if I do then I'm afraid something bad will happen. I know that sounds crazy. Why can't I just go with the good feelings I have at the time? I have to make up some worse case scenario to go with it. I actually feel like I deserve my depression. I need to get out of thinking that way.

It's hard because I have only been positive during my manias. I'm not in the habit of feeling good or positive. The disaster in Haiti is one example of my negative thinking. It breaks my heart to see people who suffer already suffer more. It's like the Holocaust. So many suffered and died in despair. There is so much suffering in the world how can we comprehend or aleviate it? People suffer all their lives and then they die. There's no comfort in so many people's lives. At least I have experienced comfort,love,joy, passion, laughter, relaxation, and other positive emotions. A lot of people don't even experience that for even a moment. It's not fair that there are people who are suffering extreme poverty and despair while others enjoy great prosperity and hope. It's just so unfair.

I want to feel good most of the time and not let my depressions get the best of me. It's just really difficult because I often don't realize how depressed I am until I am out of the depression. Some people can be positive and upbeat but I can't tap into that emotion very easily. Being thankful helps me get out of my depression. When I count my blessings I don't feel so bad. Calling someone or leaving a nice note on FB helps me feel better. Listening to my favorite music helps. Writing helps me feel better and not so unproductive. Even if noone reads this blog I still like writing it because it helps me put things into perspective.

Having Bipolar Disorder is really hard and robs me of so much positive energy. I still feel as if I can control it somehow. Aside from taking my medication more regularly I don't know what else I can do. I try so hard to stay out of the hospital and alive each day. Just doing those two things can be draining. Some days are really hard. I just can't see how I can work. I may be able to hold down a part time job but I don't know for sure. I get so angry at the judge who denied me disability.He was just trying to save the government money. I worked for eight years straight and paid in to social security. I desereved to have disability. I'm not just being lazy or making excuses. I honestly can't work. It's been hard to digest that finally. I feel as if I can finally let go of the guilt I have been feeling for not being able to work.

I really want writing to work for me. I just am so afraid that I'm not that good at it. I think about writing 100 pages and it scares me. Where am I going to get 100 pages. I don't have enough stuff in my brain for a 100 page novel let alone 300 or 400 pages. I have to realize that this stuff doesn't happen overnight. I need to be patient with myself and work on it daily. It's just so overwhelming thinking about what it takes to write a book or a screenplay. I just keep thinking how awesome it would be if we didn't have to worry about money anymore and I could take care of my mother if I had to.

Life is so unpredictable and there's no do-overs. I have to make the most of each day and opportunity to get some happiness out of life because nothing is guaranteed.

Thoughts About The New Year

I'm glad the holidays are over and it's a new year. I hate the month of December. I never wanted to get married in December but I did under pressure. My birthday is in December as well as my husband's. That means an anniversary, two birthdays, Christmas, and New Year's. It starts to snow alot and it's cold. I hate December. I also had dental work done in December. That was not fun. I just wanted to endure December and get it over with. I hate Christmas shopping and then you have to go to people's houses to open the gifts. It's really hard because I am usually depressed in the winter time. It's hard to make myself go out and be cheerful and jolly during this time. My lack of Christmas cheer annoys my husband because he is into it while I am not.

The last new year I was depressed and worried because of the financial situation the country was in. I was worried about my husband losing his job at the hotel. I was sure that we were going to get evicted from our apartment somehow. Nothing bad happened and my worrying was for naught. My mother fell ill and had to retire from working but that was the only worrysome thing that happened in 2009.

I feel relieved that 2009 ended without any major changes in my life. I am less worried that anything bad will happen in 2010. I still worry, though. I don't want to move out of where we are living but the apartments are coming up empty and I'm afraid we will be evicted if the apartment building can no longer pay its mortgage. I'm still worried about my husband's job situation because I don't want him to lose his temper and get fired. I also worry about my mother as she is having a hard time living within her means.

I would like to be more productive during the day. I spend too many hours in bed. I have felt so useless. It's been hard because I don't have a routine. Especially when I stay up all night. I lose focus and get depressed because I don't have anything to do. I need to do things during the day. I need to write and read and work on jewelry making. I need to take a walk everyday (weather permitting). I need to be more thankful for the things that are going right in my life. I also need to cultivate my relationships. I need to call people more. I need to talk to my husband more. I need to find creative ways of spending my free time. Maybe volunteer again. Maybe try to find a part-time job. I need to live my life instead of waiting to die or for the next crisis to happen.