Shake the dust off my feet.

I am at a poing in my life where I am ready to shake the dust off my feet and look ahead to the future. I have been dealing with feelings of guilt , anger, resentment, and shame for toot long. I want to start over and put the past behind me.

When I was six years old I was sexually abused by some neighborhood kids. This went on for 2 years until I was eight years old. The ringleader of the group moved away and that's how it ended. I was forced to masturbate in front of the kids and have sex and do other sexual things in front of the kids or I would get beat up. I came home from one of these "sessions" and my mother was sitting on the couch with her boyfriend. I was crying and she asked what was wrong. I didn't tell her what was happening because she was with her boyfriend. I felt so alone after that. I didn't tell anyone what happened until I went to college. I always resented my mother for that. She was more involved with her boyfriends than me. I wanted to join the Girl Scounts and my mother didn't seem interested. It really hurt my feelings. I didn't go to my mother for another thing after that. I felt like she was more engrossed in her own life and didn't care about me.

This abuse really messed up my sexuality growing up. I would feel guilty for masturbating and listening to Prince. When I got married I felt so dirty and naughty. I didn't want to be a nasty girl. I wanted to be a good girl .Good girls don't want sex. So I pretend that I don't want sex. It's hard with my husband because we hardly have sex at all. I feel like that is my fault. I feel guilty for wanting sex and I feel guitly for not having sex. It's very complicated. I feel very uncomfortable expressing my sexuality.

When I am manic or hypo-manic my sexuaity is hard to control. I feel guitly again because I can't control my sexuality when I am manic or hypo-manic. The feelings of guilt are overwhelming. Especially when I am depressed. I feel so ashamed of my illness.

When I went to college I was so excited. I wanted to get a degree and become a writer. I wanted to get a degree so bad. That's why I stayed  four years I wanted to get a degree. I spent twenty grand in student loans and I don't have a degree to show for it. I kept getting depressed when I was in school. I almost dropped out but I kept going because I wanted a degree. In 2002 I tried to finish my degree but I kept getting depressed. I couldn't finish no matter how hard I tried. This devestated me. I realised that I couldn't go to school. It really made me feel like a loser. I couldn't finish what I started. I felt so lazy and stupid.

Then I couldn't work. I tried to work but I couldn't do it. I was so bummed out about that. I felt so lazy and a loser. I tried to get on SSDI three times. Three times I was denied. I felt like a fraud. I felt like a liar. Maybe I could work. I tried but I couldn't find a job. I felt so discouraged. I would have depressions and feel like a burden to my husband who is supporting us. I felt so guilty about not being able to work. I knew I couldn't work. My sleep problems makes it impossible to have a regular day job. I get depressed then I can't do anything but sleep all day. It's frustrating when one can't control one's emotions.

So am full of all this guilt and shame about my illness. I don't tell people I am Bipolar. I keep it a dirty little secret. I don't know how I will explain to employers my thirteen year hiatus. I guess I will tell them that I  was writing during that time.

So I have alot of resentment toward  my parents because they didn't show me love during my childhood. I feel like I was robbed of a lot of things during my childhood that other people take for granted. I felt so ashamed of my illness and I felt alot of anger about being dealt the hand of cards I was dealt. I felt alot of anger towards God for creating me because He created me imperfect. I resent rich and successful people who don't have to worry about money. I let that resentment manifest itself in ways that made me feel even more guilty.

I just don't want to feel these thing anymore. I don't want to feel shame because of my illness. I have a brain disorder it's not my fault that I have had limitations. I don't have to hide my illness. I don't have to resent rich people. Although I don't know how to stop resenting them. My parents did the best they could I shouldn't fault them for their limitations. I got throug my manias alive and healthy I need to be thankful for that.I need to feel pround that I have stayed out of the hospital for nine years. I haven't killed myself which could have happened.

I just want to focus on the present and not kick myself about the past. I want to move on with my life and not dwell on things I couldn' t control .

My Volunteer Job

I got a volunteer job working at Goodwill. It was 2-6 Monday through Friday then eventually Monday,Wednesday, and Fridays. I started there kind of scared of working because it had been so long ; almost 13 years since I had worked at a job. The job was pretty simple; keep the place clean and put away clothes. I had a hard time at first even though it was just part -time. It got easier as time went on. Some days I would be very depressed but I forced myself to go to work. This instilled some discipline in me and I felt better as soon as I got to work.

One girl didn't like me very much I thought. She seemed to be eager for me to leave when my shift ended. I just ignored it. I tried to be friendly to everyone. It was difficult for me to be out of myself. I had difficulty at first but things came easier to me as time went on. The way the employees were treated by mangagement concerned me, though. I felt like they were being treated like objects instead of employees.

The person from Vocational Rehab suggested that I take care of my appearance better and try to work harder. I tried to take her advice and made a better effort at my appearance and tried to work harder at my job. I was discouraged when the manager made a comment that I wasn't working very hard. It made me angry because  number one, I am clinically depressed and number two I am heavily medicated. I am doing my best and I am not trying to look lazy.

I just get so tired of everyone thinking that I am lazy. I have  an illness. I am not lazy. I may move slowly but I do get the job done. I really took that remark to heart and it really made me angry. When I am depressed I am not happy. I am not a joyful, perky person. I don't have the ability to look energetic when I am depressed. I move slowly when I am depressed. I don't look happy when I am depressed. It's hard for me to overcome my negative thinking and be positive.

I just felt like they weren't going to hire me. They were just using me as free labor. I wasn't going to get a job there. I was having a bout of depression so I quit. It was really hard for me after that. I spent a month being depressed. I felt like a failure. I felt like I couldn't get a job. I felt like I was going to end up homeless and sick and totally lost. It was really hard.

I didn't know why I was depressed. I was taking my medication. I tried to be more  disciplined with my pills. I didn't want any excuses. I feel like I did my best and I learned some things about keeping a job. I learned that I needed to work through my depressions and not let it keep me from working. I learned that I needed to break the day down into pieces so that I can get through the day. I need to present my self positively and try to be out of myself and friendly to co-workers and customers.

I really want to get to the point where I am making my own money and can take care of myself. I want to be able to do that. I want to find a way to make money. Maybe that means writing for myself  That may mean getting a job and writing on the side. I don't know. I just want to survive and make it in this world.

Living with a sleep disorder

Growing up I always slept too much. I was never a morning person. I always function better at night. I always had trouble getting up in the morning. When I had my first depression at age 9 I was sleeping all of the time and having a hard time in school. My next depressive episode was at age 15 and it's a miracle I made it to school at all that year.

Sleep has always been a comfort, an escape for me growing up. I slept soundly and often while I was growing up. When I had my depressions I slept quite a bit. It was a way to deal with the despair I was feeling. I would just sleep. In 1989 I had my first severe depression that lasted about a year. I missed class at college and almost flunked out. I slept quite a bit during this period.

I am not a morning person. My mood is just bad in the morning. I don't wake up until after three in the aftternoon. When I was working it was hard going to work on time and making a productive morning. I just didn't operate very well in the morning. When I was depressed I was late to work alot and had a hard time producing while at work. I didn't get fired though.

Eight years ago after my last manic episode I noticed a change in my sleep habits while in the hospital .I couldn't sleep at night. It was scary because if I don't get enough sleep I could go manic. I thought that it was just a side effect of a long manic episode so I didn't feel concerned at the moment. A month after I left the hospital I felt anxious because I wasn't sleeping at night. I went to the emergency room a couple of times because I thought I was having a manic episode.

Then my sleep pattern changed and I slept during the day and stayed up at night. I would be totally drowsy during the day and want to stay in bed all day. It was very hard staying up at night because I was all alone and I didn't feel like doing much. I felt like my brain was re-wired and functioned differently after my manic episode.

So I couldn't work I couldn't stay awake during the day. I applied for disability in 2007 but was denied. That was so frustrating because I knew I couldn't get a job. I slept in the mornings usually or stayed in bed all day until 3 o'clock in the afternoon. It was like that for years. I couldn't sleep at night. I stayed awake all night and couldn't fall asleep. Some days I wouldn't get any sleep at all. On weekends when my husband wanted to do things it was hard because I was so tired during the day.

It's been hard dealing with my sleep patterns because they are so erratic. It's hard on me mentally because I don't feel like I have any comfort. I found great comfort in sleep. It anchored me emotionally. I felt like a normal person when I slept at night. I found respite from the despair of my depressions. I felt less anxiety. I could let go and stop worrying about things when I slept.

Not knowing when you are going to sleep is very hard on me mentally. I don't know when I will sleep next or how much sleep I will get. It always feels like too little. I always feel like I haven't slept enough. During the day I feel drowsy so I drink soda. I can't have alot of caffeine because of my medications. It's hard during the day.

I worked at Goodwill for six months volunteering. I worked in the afternoon. It was the perfect time of day for me because it was during the most productive time of day for me. I had a depressive episode  and quit the job because I couldn't work while I was depressed. All my other jobs have been like that. I would work at them for a while and then my mental illness would get in the way  and I would have to quit or change jobs. I couldn't go to school for the same reason I would be ok for a couple semesters and then I would get depressed and drop out.

What I have learned about being depressed is one has to force oneself to do things while depressed. Break tasks down into little pieces. I have to break the day down into manageable pieces to get through the day. Getting up and doing something is the last thing I want to do but it is what I need to do to feel better. I realised that skipping work when I was depressed wasn't the answer that I needed to go to work when I was depressed. Break the task down into pieces so I am not overwhelmed or discouraged by the task. A therapist I had said when eating an elephant do it in small bites.

My brain is re-wired somehow and I can't sleep alot. I need to make sure I sleep but when that is will be difficult to determine. Some days I don't get any sleep. Some days I sleep during the day. Some days I sleep in the mornings. I don't have a consistent sleep pattern It's difficult to feel secure when I don't know when I will be sleeping. I feel anxious when I don't get any sleep because I fear that I will go manic. After all these years I have a fear of going manic.

I hate being awake. Sleeping was my escape from reality. I would sleep and time would pass quickly and I would feel some comfort. Nowadays I only sleep as much as I need to and I hardly get any exra sleep. Being awake means facing reality. I don't like my reality right now. I am jobless and totally dependant on my husband. I don't want that anymore. I want my own job and money so that I can feel productive. I feel like a burden to my husband. I feel totally useless. I have anxieties about what would happen if my husband couldn't work I just feel like something horrible is about to happen. I am afraid of being homeless and totally sick. I don't like my reality so I try to escape with sleep.

I think like a depressed person even when I am not depressed. Sleep is still an escape for me even though I sleep alot less than I used to. When I am depressed I  can stay in bed all day and not get up until 4 pm. I was like this for the month of May. I quit my volunteering job because I couldn't work. I probably could have but I was tired of working for free and they weren't going to hire me. I just felt like they were taking advantage of me. They were dangling the idea of me working for them like a carrot and expected me to work there indefinately. It really made me angry and I was depressed anyway so I quit.

I have learned that if I want to sleep at night I can't take naps. This is hard because I get so drowsy during the day. Early evenings are especially hard because I tend to get tired after dinner. When I do nap during the day it's inevitable that I am up all night. A part of me hasn't accepted this even after eight years of this. I just want to blank out and escape the reality of my life. I want to sleep through my problems instead of facing them When I feel frustrated and bored I tend to try to sleep those feelings away. Working was good for me because I had to face reality and spend my day working.It wasn't the greates job in the world but it helped me to be disciplined. I need a schedule and discipline in my life.

It's hard to make someone understand why it is so difficult for me to sleep. My husband sleeps naturally and falls asleep with no problems even if he is worried about something. I can't sleep at night if I slept any time during the day. I found this out. So if I take nap I am resigned to the fact that I will be up all night. I need to take caffeine just to stay  awake during the day. I can't have alot of caffeine but just enough to keep me alert.

This has been very frustrating for me. I wasn't able to work for a long time. I need to be able to sleep at night so that I can have a job. The ideal job for me is writing because it adjusts to my schedule. It would be ideal if I could write a book or screenplay a couple times a year and make enough money to live on. I don't know how to become a writer but I will try. I need writing to feel productive . I need writing to feel good about myself in some ways.

Dealing with this crazy sleep schedule has been difficult. It has been hard on me mentally. It has forced me to deal with my problems and not try to escape using sleep. I need to face my reality and try to find a way to be productive.