Shake the dust off my feet.

I am at a poing in my life where I am ready to shake the dust off my feet and look ahead to the future. I have been dealing with feelings of guilt , anger, resentment, and shame for toot long. I want to start over and put the past behind me.

When I was six years old I was sexually abused by some neighborhood kids. This went on for 2 years until I was eight years old. The ringleader of the group moved away and that's how it ended. I was forced to masturbate in front of the kids and have sex and do other sexual things in front of the kids or I would get beat up. I came home from one of these "sessions" and my mother was sitting on the couch with her boyfriend. I was crying and she asked what was wrong. I didn't tell her what was happening because she was with her boyfriend. I felt so alone after that. I didn't tell anyone what happened until I went to college. I always resented my mother for that. She was more involved with her boyfriends than me. I wanted to join the Girl Scounts and my mother didn't seem interested. It really hurt my feelings. I didn't go to my mother for another thing after that. I felt like she was more engrossed in her own life and didn't care about me.

This abuse really messed up my sexuality growing up. I would feel guilty for masturbating and listening to Prince. When I got married I felt so dirty and naughty. I didn't want to be a nasty girl. I wanted to be a good girl .Good girls don't want sex. So I pretend that I don't want sex. It's hard with my husband because we hardly have sex at all. I feel like that is my fault. I feel guilty for wanting sex and I feel guitly for not having sex. It's very complicated. I feel very uncomfortable expressing my sexuality.

When I am manic or hypo-manic my sexuaity is hard to control. I feel guitly again because I can't control my sexuality when I am manic or hypo-manic. The feelings of guilt are overwhelming. Especially when I am depressed. I feel so ashamed of my illness.

When I went to college I was so excited. I wanted to get a degree and become a writer. I wanted to get a degree so bad. That's why I stayed  four years I wanted to get a degree. I spent twenty grand in student loans and I don't have a degree to show for it. I kept getting depressed when I was in school. I almost dropped out but I kept going because I wanted a degree. In 2002 I tried to finish my degree but I kept getting depressed. I couldn't finish no matter how hard I tried. This devestated me. I realised that I couldn't go to school. It really made me feel like a loser. I couldn't finish what I started. I felt so lazy and stupid.

Then I couldn't work. I tried to work but I couldn't do it. I was so bummed out about that. I felt so lazy and a loser. I tried to get on SSDI three times. Three times I was denied. I felt like a fraud. I felt like a liar. Maybe I could work. I tried but I couldn't find a job. I felt so discouraged. I would have depressions and feel like a burden to my husband who is supporting us. I felt so guilty about not being able to work. I knew I couldn't work. My sleep problems makes it impossible to have a regular day job. I get depressed then I can't do anything but sleep all day. It's frustrating when one can't control one's emotions.

So am full of all this guilt and shame about my illness. I don't tell people I am Bipolar. I keep it a dirty little secret. I don't know how I will explain to employers my thirteen year hiatus. I guess I will tell them that I  was writing during that time.

So I have alot of resentment toward  my parents because they didn't show me love during my childhood. I feel like I was robbed of a lot of things during my childhood that other people take for granted. I felt so ashamed of my illness and I felt alot of anger about being dealt the hand of cards I was dealt. I felt alot of anger towards God for creating me because He created me imperfect. I resent rich and successful people who don't have to worry about money. I let that resentment manifest itself in ways that made me feel even more guilty.

I just don't want to feel these thing anymore. I don't want to feel shame because of my illness. I have a brain disorder it's not my fault that I have had limitations. I don't have to hide my illness. I don't have to resent rich people. Although I don't know how to stop resenting them. My parents did the best they could I shouldn't fault them for their limitations. I got throug my manias alive and healthy I need to be thankful for that.I need to feel pround that I have stayed out of the hospital for nine years. I haven't killed myself which could have happened.

I just want to focus on the present and not kick myself about the past. I want to move on with my life and not dwell on things I couldn' t control .

My Volunteer Job

I got a volunteer job working at Goodwill. It was 2-6 Monday through Friday then eventually Monday,Wednesday, and Fridays. I started there kind of scared of working because it had been so long ; almost 13 years since I had worked at a job. The job was pretty simple; keep the place clean and put away clothes. I had a hard time at first even though it was just part -time. It got easier as time went on. Some days I would be very depressed but I forced myself to go to work. This instilled some discipline in me and I felt better as soon as I got to work.

One girl didn't like me very much I thought. She seemed to be eager for me to leave when my shift ended. I just ignored it. I tried to be friendly to everyone. It was difficult for me to be out of myself. I had difficulty at first but things came easier to me as time went on. The way the employees were treated by mangagement concerned me, though. I felt like they were being treated like objects instead of employees.

The person from Vocational Rehab suggested that I take care of my appearance better and try to work harder. I tried to take her advice and made a better effort at my appearance and tried to work harder at my job. I was discouraged when the manager made a comment that I wasn't working very hard. It made me angry because  number one, I am clinically depressed and number two I am heavily medicated. I am doing my best and I am not trying to look lazy.

I just get so tired of everyone thinking that I am lazy. I have  an illness. I am not lazy. I may move slowly but I do get the job done. I really took that remark to heart and it really made me angry. When I am depressed I am not happy. I am not a joyful, perky person. I don't have the ability to look energetic when I am depressed. I move slowly when I am depressed. I don't look happy when I am depressed. It's hard for me to overcome my negative thinking and be positive.

I just felt like they weren't going to hire me. They were just using me as free labor. I wasn't going to get a job there. I was having a bout of depression so I quit. It was really hard for me after that. I spent a month being depressed. I felt like a failure. I felt like I couldn't get a job. I felt like I was going to end up homeless and sick and totally lost. It was really hard.

I didn't know why I was depressed. I was taking my medication. I tried to be more  disciplined with my pills. I didn't want any excuses. I feel like I did my best and I learned some things about keeping a job. I learned that I needed to work through my depressions and not let it keep me from working. I learned that I needed to break the day down into pieces so that I can get through the day. I need to present my self positively and try to be out of myself and friendly to co-workers and customers.

I really want to get to the point where I am making my own money and can take care of myself. I want to be able to do that. I want to find a way to make money. Maybe that means writing for myself  That may mean getting a job and writing on the side. I don't know. I just want to survive and make it in this world.