Thoughts in the night

As I sit here in the night a lot of thoughts go through my mind. I think about my life so far and the lessons I have learned. Having insomnia means I think alot. I can't talk to anyone and I hate chatting online. I just have myself to entertain. I think that it's hard because I think of unpleasant moments in my life and I try to make sense of them. I have regrets and mistakes in my life that I wonder what would have happened if I did things differently. Like quitting my job. I probably should have just taken some time off and gotten my medication straightened out. I think I would have done better to keep working. I just think that my manic episode that I had in 1999 changed my brain so I couldn't do the job I used to do. I felt so overwhelmed. My psychiatrist was a hack and couldn't be trusted. I had to get a different doctor.

Time goes so slowly in the night after midnight. I have so much time on my hands. I don't like to watch movies because I don't want to wear out our DVD player and I also feel like I am wasting time if I watch alot of movies. That doesn't make sense but that's how I feel. I like to read but my attention span isn't what it was since my last manic episode. I am convinced that my brain was altered during my last manic episode. I just don't feel like the same person. I find it more difficult to read for long periods of time. I can't sleep at night. I feel like something changed in my
brain. I am certain of it. I can't afford to prove it but I feel that is what happened. My manic episode was so severe that it took me years to recover from it. I am trying to adjust to my new normal but it's hard sometimes. Not being able to have a consistent sleep schedule prevents me from having a regular job which is what I need. I just feel stuck sometimes with my limitations.

I think I have come to terms with my new normal. It's been hard but I am dealing with it. I think having a chronic illness means dealing with your limitations and not feeling guilty about it. I watch my husband work so hard to keep us afloat. Sometimes he hates his job. I just wish I could make money so he wouldn't have to stay in a job he hates and have the freedom to find work he likes. In this economy we need him to keep working and quitting is not an option. I worry what would happen if he lost his job or died. I don't think we'd last very long. It's a scary thought.

I have a major regret in not being able to finish college. I owe twenty thousand in student loans but I never graduated. I feel totally guilty for this. I feel like I let my parents down and let myself down. I tried really hard to finish but I couldn't because of my illness. It really hurts that I couldn't finish school. I could have been making so much more money and would have been financially secure if only I could have finished school. I tried really hard but I kept getting depressed. I couldn't finish classes it was really frustrating.

I really have changed my perspective since becoming an atheist. I don't guilt out about most things anymore. I feel better about myself. I take hardship easier . I try to enjoy my day and focus on the positive. I try to be thankful for my life and living each day one day at at time. Each day I try to be thankful for my overall physical health. I saw a doctor recently and she wants me to get some tests done. I'm anxious about this because I don't want to find out I have cancer or something that I can't afford to treat. I will get the tests done soon. I really try to see the positive and not worry so much about what I can't control. I look at other people's lives and how positive they are and I think I can take my struggles with a better attitude.

I think alot about life and death. My sister died four years ago and it really made me think about my life. She also had Bipolar Disorder and struggled with it all her life. She couldn't work and was on disabilty all of her adult life. I used to get frustrated with her because she kept struggling with her illness. I now have a different perspective because of my struggles. I now admire her for never giving up and always trying to get the most out of her life even with her struggles. It inspired me to take my medication and manage my illness so I could be happier in life. I admire her spunk and determination to live life to the fullest. I try not to give up on my day when I am depressed but it is hard. Sometimes I let my illness get the best of me and then I feel guilty. I feel so weak some days but then I think of my sister and and try to make a go of it.

I've been wondering lately why life can be so hard. Some people have it easy while others struggle all their lives. It's not fair. I don't understand it. As a Christian I tried to make sense of it but now I just try to survive life with a little joy. I don't understand where evil comes from. I don't know why people turn out evil and predatory. It's a real mystery to me. Life is so unfair. When I was denied disability for the third time I felt that keenly. I mean I cannot work a full time job. I might be able to work part time but that's a stretch. I just have so much trouble sleeping at regular times. I have tried to change my sleep shedule but nothing seems to work long term.

I used to feel so bad because my father didn't believe in me. He was so disappointed when I couldn't finish college. He never recognized the hard work I went into avoiding disabilty. I worked so hard because of him. I wanted him to be proud of me but he never was. Sometimes I feel relieved that he is dead so he would be around to disapprove of my life as it is. He thought I was lazy and stupid and couldn't take care of myself. I felt so guilty because of him. I just recently forgave my father for not being able to love me unconditionally. It was hard but I felt like I needed to do that to move on with my life. I also forgave my mother for not showing me her love growing up. I went through my childhood and youth feeling no love from my parents. I now see that for whatever reason they were unable to show me love the way I wanted them to. I now see that this doesnt reflect upon me and my self-worth. It took me a long time to come to that conclusion.

I spent so much of my life persuing happiness. It was a monumental effort because of my illness. I couldn't understand why I couldn't be happy most of the time. I felt like a failure. Why was it so easy for some people to work and raise a family? I wanted children at one point in my life but I realized that I would be prone to making the same mistake my parents made with me. Having a mental illness makes it hard to raise unaffected children. I have a friend whose mother was mentally ill and she is in her forties dealing with post traumatic stress disorder from her childhood. I didn't want that for any of my children. I decided that I have enough on my plate just staying out of the hospital and and staying alive through my illness. I don't mean to say that people with mental illnesses can't have children I just think that they need to be diligent about their illness so their children are not traumatised.

Since my sister died young I am concerned that I might die young too. We had similar health problems and I am experiencing things that she suffered from. Not sleeping, dental problems, heart problems. My doctor thought my heartbeat was irregular and suggested a test to examine that. I don't fear death as much as I used to when I was a Christian but I don't want to leave my husband alone. He is working hard to lose weight so he doesn't die young. I should try to do the same so I can live longer than my sister.I have lost 3 dress sizes in the last year but I still have alot to go.

The biggest fear I have is ending up alone and homeless unable to get medication and institutionalized for life. I need to find a way to make money somehow. Maybe I could work at home doing some writing. I would feel so much better if I could make money and build a rainy day savings. I will research that. Writing has become much more difficult for me to do since my last manic episode. It's hard writing for long periods of time. I will work at it since I have plenty of time on my hands. I just have a hard time believing that I could actually make money writing. It's worth a try though. I have nothing to lose.

I am finally ready to let go of my guilt and feelings of inadequacy. I want so much to feel good about myself. It's a struggle to feel like I matter to people. I want so much to be happy and content with my life and not worry so much about things I can't control. I finally get that what other people feel about me doesn't have to affect my feelings about myself. It's really taken a long time to understand that. I just get so tired beating myself up for things I can't control I can't help that I have a chronic illness. I can only manage my illness and make sure my health is good.

I just want this year to be the year I turn a corner and start living my life to the full like my sister. I want to find a way to make money and take care of my health with that extra money. I just want my life to be good. I want to have joy and contentment and productivity. Time and again I turn to writing to pass the time and feel better. Maybe that's my ticket away from a life of futility and depression.

Random Thoughts Part Two

It's been a while since I have felt like writing. I have been in a depression. I got into the habit of sleeping during the day. I stay up at night and sleep during the day. I just spend the day in bed until around 3:00 in the afternoon. I couldn't tell you when I started doing this. It's been at least a couple of years. I started having trouble sleeping about 7 years ago after my last manic episode. At first I thought I was getting manic but that wasn't the case. I was sleeping ok when we were living on Olive street. When we moved to Glendale that's when I started staying up at night. It's hard because I don't feel sleepy and I don't know when to go to bed. Sometimes I go just go to bed out of boredom. I sleep probably 2-4 hours a day. It's hard to calculate because I sleep in two hour intervals. I'm awake most of the time. I don't feel sleep deprived though. It's hard because I feel awake most of the time and I don't feel like I get enough rest. It's hard psychologically because I feel awake all of the time.

I try really hard to get sleep because I don't want to go manic again. I tried a sleeping pill but it made me sleep walk which scared me. I wish I could change the way I sleep but I don't know what to do. I have a light box but I am afraid to use it because I don't want to end up manic. When my husband has a day off I sleep in the morning and try to get up by noon. That way we still have the day to do stuff. The rest of of the week I stay in bed until 3 pm or so. I really want to get out of this habit. I don't want to waste the day lying in bed. Some days I'm so depressed I can't get out of bed until 5 o'clock. During my manic episode my brain got rewired and I can't sleep through the night anymore. I can't prove that but that's what I feel happened. I just can't afford to see a specialist to find out what's wrong. It's been this way for at least six years. I just don't feel normal. I can't get the kind of rest that most people get. I'm always thinking that one day I'll go manic because I'm not getting enough sleep. That's my main concern is what shape is my brain in. I just don't think it is operating within normal perameters.

It's so lonely at night and early in the morning. I can't talk to anyone. I tried chatting on the computer but I couldn't understand the lingo people were using. It was really frustrating too. I gave up on it after a few tries. I can't call anyone. I can use Twitter which is fun but nobody is reading my tweets at such an early hour. For some reason I don't like to watch movies late at night. It makes me feel even more lonely.Sometimes I just go to bed and lay there for a few hours. I just get so bored sometimes. Writing helps or reading a book. It's so damn quiet. I hate it. It reminds me that I am alone in this world. That I cannot stop things from happening. I just feel so alone late at night.

When I was growing up I spent alot of time alone. I was lonely but then I would talk to God. I prayed and read alot. Now that I am an atheist I feel lonley alot of the time. Reading is difficult because my attention span is short. Another thing that happened after my manic episode. I used to read alot but I find myself having a hard time reading for a long period of time now. I joined a book club but quit when I found that I had a hard time reading the books. I'm angry about this because I used to read alot. I feel sad about it because I feel a real pleasure in my life has been taken away from me.

It's hard for me to be happy. I try to be content instead. It's hard finding pleasure in things. I like to eat good food. I still like to read. I like making jewelry. I like going places. I just have a hard time getting motivated to leave my apartment sometimes. Sometimes my mood is so dark I have to make a consious decision not to try to kill myself.I really want to change the way I think but it's hard to do sometimes.

When I was a Christian I forced myself to do alot of things. I forced myself to go to work. I forced myself to go to school. I forced myself to go to church. I forced myself to be happy and joyful. I was miserable. I felt I had to deny myself in order to please God and be happy. It was torture. Working was a real challenge but I felt that I had no choice. I didn't think we could afford to live on one income. If I knew that I would have such a hard time getting disability I would not have quit my job. I just thought I could get on disability.

Being an atheist has changed the way I see the world. I have less anxiety and guilt. I also have better self-esteem. I no longer feel like a failure. I still have some anxiety about the future but not as bad as when I was a Christian. I also feel the need to live in the moment and not look forward to a heaven that doesn't exist. I used to suffer in anticpation of heaven. Now I try to find pleasure in the present and not try to wait for an eternity that doesn't exist.

I really wish I could solve my sleep problems. I feel like if I could sleep at night I could get a job. I wish I could work. If I had even a part time job we could afford a car. Not having a car limits so much of what we can do. It's really hard getting groceries or traveling on vacation. I would feel better about my sleep if I knew exactly how much sleep I was getting. Maybe I would spend so much time in bed during the day.

Life is so challenging. I try to stay positive but it is very difficult. I feel like I let my fears control my actions. The fact that I can't always control what happens in my life gives me much anxiety. I feel like I have to brace myself for unknown problems. Anything could happen so I worry. Life is short so I want to enjoy more of it. I also want to find a way to make money so that we can have a better quality of life. It's a real challenge living life and enjoying it.

Random Thoughts

I don't know why life can be so hard and unfair. I don't know why the innocent suffer and the wicked thrive. It's hard dealing with the hand I was dealt. I used to be depressed and angry about it but I have since become resigned to the way life is. I just try to find joy and pleasure in life each day. I used to feel so down on myself because of my limitations. I just try to work around them and do the best I can. My husband drinks alcohol to quel the anger and depression he feels. I can't drink so I have to find different ways of dealing with my depression. Some days I lie in bed all day and can't get up. Those days are hard because I can't explain them to my husband. He doesn't understand why I can't be productive those days. It's hard to get him to understand why my depression affects me so much even on medication.

My illness has taken a real toll on my self-esteem. I used to feel so useless and stupid. I would work so hard at being normal only to get no acknowledgment from other people of my hard work. Working every day was a monumental challenge and I worked for as long as I could. When I could no longer work I tried to get disability. When that failed I really felt guilty because I thought well maybe I could work. I tried to work but I couldn't hold a job for a week. I tried looking but I couldn't find anything. Then I started to have trouble sleeping. Now I don't sleep at night and I sleep during the day. I have tried to change this sleep pattern but nothing works. I don't know if I can work a job with my sleep pattern being the way it is. I really want to find a way to work from home so I can work during the night. That would be ideal.

Being an atheist has improved my self-esteem and allowed my to stop feeling so guilty about everything. I have a better sense of humor. I am not as anxious about everything. I still have fears and anxieties but not as much as before. It was very difficult for me as a Christian. I felt like I was a constant disappointment to God. I couldn't maintain a joyful mood. I couldn't be out of myself all of the time. I couldn't please God all of the time. I didn't feel God's grace but God's wrath. I felt like such a spiritual failure. I was so full of guilt and anxiety. Church was hard to endure. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. It was never good enough. No matter how hard I tried. I couldn't be myself because that wasn't pleasing to God. I tried to be someone I wasn't. It was sucking the life out of me. I couldn't take it anymore. I just gave up. I wanted to be sane and have peace in my life. I just couldn't get that as a Christian.


It's hard not working because everything seems like a waste of time. At times I do nothing because nothing interests me. It's really hard at times. I'm starting to think differently. Now I try to stay busy with something because it's better than doing nothing. Just getting out of the house is better than spending time at home doing nothing. I try to write but it's hard concentrating. I try to read but it's still hard concentrating for a long time. Movies don't interest me because my attention span isn't that long. Sometimes everything seems like a really hard chore. If I get up and do something during the day that's a good day. I'm not lazy I have an illness. I have limitations and that's why I can't work. I couldn't prove it to the government but I still can't work.

I don't know how to stop thinking like a depressed person. I just think that things are hopeless sometimes. I feel like I'm just waiting for the next crisis to happen. This economy is so bad right now. I worry that my husband will lose his job and we will end up homeless. I fear that I won't be able to get my meds and that I will end up in the hospital. I fear that I will have a heart attack or stroke and end up really disabled. I just don't have any faith in luck and fortune. I just think that things will get shitty at some point. I wish I could think more positively about life. I don't have any faith in the world as a whole. Good things happen,bad things happen life just happpens. I used to lie in bed all day because I was afraid of what might happen. Anything can and will happen I can't stop that. Life is completely random. There's no meaning to it at all. Life is a wild ride and we just have to hang on and try to stay sane.

I am thankful for the trials I have had because it's made me more thankful for the peace and wellness I have had. I want to be more positive and thankful for my life. When my sister died I realized that I was living my life in fear. My sister did the best she could and tried to live life with strength and dignity. I took that lesson for myself and try to do the same.I just realized that I didn't cherish life and living. I was just waiting to die. I have changed my outlook since the death of my sister. It changed my life. I want to be more positive and live life with gusto.

I'm scared for the country right now. The Republicans are determined to ruin Obama's presidency. I just want the country to be healed from the recession and for health care costs to go down. I want the health care system to be fixed so that people with mental illness can be treated with dignity. I want to be able to do something for a living so that we can get a permanent place to live and a car. I just want to live a good life and die happy.

Happiness is overrated.

Being Bipolar is difficult because I can't always control my emotions. If I am depressed I can't "Snap out of it" if I am manic I can't "Tone it down". Before my diagnosis I thought something was wrong with me when my emotions would go up and down on a dime. I just thought I was immature or undisciplined or ungrateful. It's like being on a rollercoaster that I can't get off of. It's very frustrating because people don't understand why I can't control my emotions. They think I am being difficult on purpose. Medication helps but it doesn't eliminate the symptoms of my illness. I can still get depressed or hypomanic while on my medication. Medication keeps me out of the hospital but it doesn't erase the illness.

Over the years I have been forced to become much more patient and forgiving of myself. I have realized that I have an illness and cannot do certain things at particular times. I had to give up on the notion that if I had positive thoughts I would automatically feel positive. This is impossible to do when I am clinically depressed. My brain is acting on its faulty chemistry and I cannot fully control that. When I am hypomanic I can do certain things to try to limit my symptoms but I can't turn it off. I have to ride out the waves of my illness and hope not too much damage is done.

Being the the church I was didn't help my illness. The church preached that a good Christian is joyful all the time and in full control of her emotions. Some people like my sister were told to go off their meds because God was in control of their emotions. I knew better than to go off my meds after watching my sister end up in the hospital when she did. As a result of the gospel I was being fed daily I felt guilty all of the time. I felt like a defective human being because I couldn't get happy when I was depressed. I felt evil and undisciplined. I was told I was being ungrateful if I was depressed after what God did for me. I was burdened with feelings of deep guilt and self-hatred. When I was manic I was the perfect Christian and made leadership happy. I was intense and joyful and "fired-up". Just what leadership wanted. But when I was depressed I was lazy and ungrateful. I was depresssed most of the time before my medication.

I can't control my brain. There's no way I can just change my emotional state if I am in the throws of the symptoms of my illness. I couldn't explain this to people in my church. They thought that if I just changed the way I thought that the emotions would follow. I tried really hard to do this to no avail. I couldn't change my emotions no matter how hard I tried. I ended up feeling like a spiritual failure and an evil person. I felt anxious about my salvation and was sure that I was going to hell. I felt powerless to change my spiritual situation. I felt like God hated me and didn't want me to be happy.

When I got on medication I felt better. I felt normal and could function and hold down a job. I got married and had a normal life for years. I still felt guilty during the times I got depressed. It was hard on my marriage because my husband felt like I was angry at him. I tried to get it through to him that my depression wasn't caused by anything he did. It was my illness. He understands that now but it took a while to comprehend. Christians at my church could not understand. I tried to explain why I couldn't control my depressions and why I had to take medications but it just didn't compute.

I began to question the existence of a God who gave me an illness that prevented me from doing His will. It made not sense to me. I understood grace but I was told not to take God's grace for granted. I should be a perfect disciple without grace. I felt frustrated. I couldn't be a good Christian without God's grace. If I couldn't take advantage of that then how was I supposed to be a good Christian without it? My faith weakened and eventually disapeared over time. The burden of guilt was just too great. I couldn't be a Christian anymore. I couln't keep reaching for an impossible standard. I couldn't believe in a God who made me disabled and yet expected me to be perfect. I just couldn't wrap my mind around that concept. I gave up my faith to save my sanity.

Oprah talks alot about being happy. She says you should try to bring yourself happiness as much as possible. You should be living your best life. This is bullshit. If I had a gazillion dollars like Oprah maybe I could live my best life and be happy all the time. I have an illness and a disability. It's impossible for me to be happy all of the time. I don't strive for that anymore. I just try to survive and be there for my friends and family. That's all I can do.

On Becoming A Writer

I have always been a reader. From the time I learned how to read I became a voracious reader. I especially became engrossed in books when I was a preteen. I loved fantasy and science fiction the best. I fell in love with the Dune series when I was 12. I also read Lord of the Rings but it was a little too advanced for me. Chronicles of Narnia were my favorite books. My mother would get books and magazines from the thrift store and I would read those too. The library was my second home. I loved the silence and the smell of books. I loved to read. When I read my problems disapeared. I no longer felt afraid or embarrassed. I wanted to go to college so I could read and learn some more. I was excited to go to college. I also read the Bible. It was so comforting to me. I was encouraged by a God who cared for me. I wanted to get baptized so I could experience this kind of love.

After my last manic episode in 2004 I had a different attitude toward reading. I just didn't have the attention span. It was hard to concentrate so I stopped reading books. This concerned my husband because he knew how much I used to read. I couldn't explain it. It was like my brain was burnt out and I couldn't read or write anything. I wrote a story in 2007 but that was during a hypomanic episode. I don't recall reading anything for years. I read some books by Barbara Kingsolver but that was it. I realize that my brain is behaving differently. I don't sleep very much, I have a short attention span. It's hard to stay focused on anything for more than 2 hours. It's very difficult for me at times. That's why I applied for disability. I knew I couldn't hold down a regular job anymore. The last several years have been a period of recovery for me. It's hard to admit that but it's true.

I keep telling myself I should write. I put it off and don't do anything. I am afraid that I will write bad stuff and get rejected. Also writing is very tedious to me. I used to enjoy writing papers and essays in school but after 2004 I just don't have the patience. I feel I should be doing something to show for a days work, though. I thought maybe I could write screenplays but it's been difficult getting started. I have ideas but I just can't bring myself to put them on paper. I don't know if I should force myself to write. Maybe that is what I should do. Set goals for myself. I was thinking of taking a class on screenwriting but we don't have the money right now.

I used to draw and paint alot then I stopped. Now I don't think I could draw anything even if I wanted to. I don't want to lose my reading and writing skills too. I am tired of going through a day and not having anything to show for it. It's very frustrating to go through a day and not have anything to show for it. I want to have a purpose and a meaning to my life. It's hard just existing and not doing anything. I feel like I am going through life without any purpose. It's frustrating. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Growing up feeling unloved

I read a book once that talked about love languages. We as humans communicate love through different languages. It was an interesting take on love. I found that I responded to physical and verbal expressions of love. Exactly what I didn't get growing up. It was hard growing up because we were poor. My mother lived on food stamps, spousal support and welfare. She eventually got a job with the state but it didn't pay much. Often we would go without food and other necessities like toilet paper. My mother shopped at the thrift store for our clothes. It was hard being a poor kid because at school other kids knew it. It wasn't easy going to school and everybody knows you're poor. My mother was always stressed out and depressed. She was never happy with us. She was always yelling at us for something. I felt especially picked on.

At age 7 to 9 I was sexually abused by some neighborhood kids. They would threaten to beat me up if I didn't do what they said. My mother never knew about this. I was too afraid to say anything to anyone. The abuse stopped when the kids moved away. I didn't feel safe anywhere. I felt depressed but my behaviour was seen as rebellion or lazyness. I just wanted to be invisible where I didn't have people yelling at me or making fun of me. I enjoyed school and reading and going to the library. That was my escape. I made up a fantasy world where I was loved.

I never felt loved by my family. I felt like I was a burden to my mother and father. My father gave me an allowance but he made me feel guilty for accepting it. Christmas , Easter, and birthdays would be times when I would get presents but I got the message that these gifts were out of an obligation to me because I was a relative. I never felt loved even on my birthday. My birthday is on December 23 so I would get combination presents. I never had a birthday party because I didn't have any friends. I didn't have a birthday party at school because my birthday happened during Christmas break. Everything I was given was with the message that I shouldn't be ungrateful and spoiled and should feel guilty because somebody spent money on me. Looking back I see that these presents were expressions of love. It just didn't feel like it at the time.

I only remember one time when my mother hugged me. I was about six years old and was crying about something and my mother hugged me. The way she did it was so awkward. It felt clammy and cold. I wished she didn't hug me. I don't remember one word of encouragement or praise growing up. I can't recall one time when my father told me anything encourageing. It was really hard because I wanted that kind of encourgement so badly. I felt so alone and sad. I made up a fantasy world where I was loved. I didn't feel loved at all. My sisters behaved as if they were not loved as well. My sister, Carmen, ran away when she was about fourteen. She was gone for a few days then returned. My other sister Pamela was very quiet and shy and never complained but she seemed depressed most of the time.

I just don't understand it. How hard is it to give your kid a hug or an encourageing word? I know times were tough and it was hard making ends meet but my mother had our father to rely on. It seemed like we went without simply because my mother couldn't bring herself to ask my father for anything. My mother was just not a physical person neither was my father but how hard is it to deny yourself every once in a while and hug your kid?I just don't understand it. I know I was depressed most of the time but I would remember if I was hugged or told "l love you". I just remember being yelled at by my mother and sister and being told to be grateful for what I have. I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

I'm confident that my lack of feeling loved primed me to be attracted to a church that turned out to be an abusive cult. The members of the church would treat me with such love and friendship that I was blown away at first. I was totally willing to give my trust and obedience to people who professed to love me with the love of Christ. To go from no friends to alot of "friends" was overwhelming. It took me several months to trust these people but when I did I was a loyal member for twenty years. I did leave shortly in 1991 when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The lonliness was just too much and I craved the friendships. I went back to the church in 1993 and soon fell in love and got married in 1995. I enjoyed close friendships and really felt the love of God. In time, however, I found this came with a price. I had to be totally obedient and financially sacrificial to the church. Over time this kind of Christianity wore me out emotionally and spiritually. I had to leave when I felt that I couldn't be the Christian the church preached. I just couldn't live in such a stressful environment anymore.

I don't expect my parents to be perfect. I know the stress of trying to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table was hard. I just wish my parents had the presence of mind to say "I love you" or give a hug once in a while. Even if I could've talked about school and been open about my sexual abuse maybe things would have been different. I know I wouldn't have been so loyal to an abusive church. I know if I had had better self-esteem maybe I would have gotten help with my illness sooner. Children need to be loved or they will find it elsewhere.

When I grew up I replaced the church I went to for my parents' lack of love. I think that is why it took me so long to leave the church. I wanted so badly to please the church thus pleasing God that I remained extremely loyal. I craved positive reinforcement and hugs from church leadership. I wanted to be a leader so that people would follow me and be loyal to me the way I was loyal to the church. I wanted God to be pleased with me so that meant doing everything the church said so I could be pleasing to God. It was very demanding and unforgiving at times what the church wanted me to do. It seemed as if I couldn't do enough right. I felt like a spiritual failure. Eventually I realized that these standards were not realistic. I knew I could let go then. I didn't need a church to tell me that I was a valuable person.

I needed to learn to love myself. It was hard but I feel I can do that now. I don't need people to tell me I'm valuable. I am worthy of love because I am human being. All living things deserve respect and love. We don't always get what we deserve. That doesn't mean that we are worthless. That's a lesson I've learned over the years.

I don't care if you hate me.

During my school years I was very unpopular. I was too poor to afford the hip clothes and hair style. I couldn't afford to go to clubs and party in high school. I didn't have a car. I couldn't do anything athletic. The bullying didn't stop when I got home. My mother and older sister would yell at me for whatever reason too. I learned to escape into a fantasy world or a book. I just endured the teasing and bullying because I was afraid to fight. I didn't get angry I got sad. I just had low self-esteem most of my school years. I hear about kids who kill themselves because they are teased too much. I didn't think of doing that. I just endured it so I could go to school and learn something. I went to school every day because I wanted to learn something. I enjoyed learning and reading. I spent alot of time at the library escaping into books. I like the silence and peace of the library it was opposite of what my home life was like.

Sometimes kid's teasing would make me cry but most of the time I was numb to it. It just got old. I tried to concentrate on the teacher and what I was supposed to learn. When I was depressed it was hard because I couldn't understand math or science too well. This made me look stupid and kids in math and science class would hate me because they thought I was stupid. I couldn't understand why I couldn't get math or science. I just thought I must be stupid like the other kids thought. It was much later that I learned that when you are depressed your brain doesn't process information too well. That made me feel better when I learned that.

I just felt so bad about myself until I turned eighteen. I felt better that year and I was doing ok in school. I had a part time job so I had some money. I took Tae Kwon Do class and lost some weight. I felt ok that year. I was feeling pretty optimistic about college and pretty excited about what I was going to learn. That good feeling changed when I joined college ROTC. I was out of shape and couldn't keep up with the group when they went running in the morning. I sucked at ROTC and everybody hated me. I felt like I was in grade school all over again. I quit ROTC after my freshman year and concentrated on going to church.

Church really made me feel good. I felt like I belonged somewhere. I felt close to God and really full of spiritual joy. This changed when I had a bad period of depression. I had no idea what was going on with me. I would skip class and sleep all day. I would act weird and read depressing books in the Bible. My behavior was bizarre and I became suicidal but noone in the church thought to get me any help. I finally quit school and went to see a doctor who just gave me meds for hypothyroid. I continued to get depressed and attempted suicide by setting my apartment on fire. After getting two years probation for the fire I was mis-diagnosed with unipolar depression. I was given an anti-depressant which made me manic. I had a manic episode and spend the night in the hospital. After that I was given Lithium. The Lithium was hard at first because it made me really lethargic and slow. My father thought I was stupid and lazy. That really hurt. I tried really hard to prove that I wasn't stupid and lazy but my father went to his grave thinking that.

I gained alot of weight on Lithium but it did stabilize my moods. Going on other meds didn't work as well as Lithium. I tried Tegertol,Depakote,Lamictal,Wellbutrin,Paxil,and Seroquel. These all had annoying side effects or didn't have any effect at all. I have to take the Lithium so my weight will always be high. I have been hated because of my weight. Two women I knew at church hated me because of my weight. I read an article recently about a woman with Bipolar Disorder who gained alot of weight on a medication. The medication stabilized her mood but she hated herself because of her weight. Her family also disliked her because of her weight. She lost friends because of her weight. She went off the medication and struggled with her moods because she'd rather be thin and unstable than fat and stable. I feel like she is saying she'd rather die than be fat. Bipolar disorder does result in death for alot of people who don't find a medication that works for them. I would rather live and be fat than risk death and be thin.

The women who hated me at church had eating disorders. I think if a person dislikes me it's because of a hang-up they have rather than about me. I've been hated because of my religion, because I married a white man, because I'm fat, because of my race,and because of my illness. I think the kids who bullied me at school did so to feel better about themselves. The strong tend to prey on the weak sort of thing. My sister, however, had alot of hang-ups about herself. She was angry and depressed growing up and didn't have much of a support system. I have no idea why she picked on me, though. Maybe she felt picked on. She was bullied at school too.

At this point in my life I have no desire to make people like me. If they hate me for whatever reason I guess that's the way it will be. I don't care to waste my time on people who hate me. Why would I try to change to make them like me? Why try losing weight to please other people for instance? If you hate fat people that's your business. I'm not going to try to change you. I think I'm at the poing where I don't care about what people think about me. I'm on this planet to do things that have nothing to do with what people think about me.