Take Clinical Depression Seriously

My experience with clinical depression has taught me to take it seriously. I wish other people would also take clinical depression seriously. Clinical depression is not just the blues or feeling lazy.It's a serious and debilitating condition that can lead to suicide.My first encounter with clinical depression was when I was nine years old. I felt sad and I didn't want to get out of bed.I couldn't wash myself. School was really hard. It lasted about a month. My mother thought I was being rebellious. My teacher thought I was acting up. I hear how children and teens commit suicide and it's a surprise to the parents. If they paid attention to the symptoms I don't think they would have been surprised.

The next time I was clinically depressed was when I was fifteen years old. I don't know how I made myself go to school. I did every day but it was hard. I couldn't think clearly or make decisions. I was clueless in math and chemistry class. Other kids just thought I was stupid. My handwriting was really bad. I had a hard time concentrating. I don't recall being suicidal. My sister was becoming ill with Schizo-affective Bipolar Disorder so my mother was really distracted. I got D's in all my classes and nearly flunked out of school. My mother doesn't recall this. It goes to show how clueless parents can be of their children. Depression is sneaky. It can look like other things. It's important to communicate with your children and notice any changes in behavior or grades.

I was in college the next time I was clinically depressed. It was in 1989 and I was going to the University of Colorado at Boulder. I couldn't stay awake in class. That was the first thing then I couldn't stay awake at all. I just wanted to stay in bed. I began missing class. I couldn't function. It was like my brain stopped working. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't move out of bed . I felt incredibly sad and hurt for no reason at all. I felt hopeless and I hated myself. I felt like a disappointment to God. I felt in sin all of the time. I couldn't move. I was totally debilitated. I stayed home from my finals and got incompletes on all my classes. This lasted about six months. I got suicidal and tried to commit suicide with pills. I saw a counselor but she was useless. The next year I felt better.

In 1991 I got depressed again. I got suicidal and dropped out of school. I moved to denver and got my own apartment. I got a job doing surveys over the phone. I saw a doctor who said the depression was caused by low thyroid. He prescribed pills for my low thyroid. I got worse. I got suicidal. I tried to commit suicide by burning down my apartment. I was arrested for Arson. I went to jail. I was evaluated by the jail for mental illness. I was sentenced to 2 years deferred sentence. After two years my record would be cleared. I  was given an anti-depressant after I got out of jail. This triggered a manic episode and I was in the hospital for a day. I was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder after that.

I didn't want to go on disability like my sister so I enrolled in a program that would get me back to work.I got a job at the Denver Post doing data entry. I moved out of my falther's house and worked steady until 2000. I still struggled with depression especially when I was on medications that didn't work. Lithium seems to work best I have been on that medication the most.

When I tell people I am depressed they seem to think I am talking about my mood. Mood is only part of this condition. When I am depressed I can't work. I can't function. It's totally debilitating. It's not that I don't feel like working or going to school. I can't. My brain ceases to function. I can't concentrate. I don't know how to express the despair I feel. I remember being so depressed in 1989 that I wondered the Boulder campus screaming at the top of my lungs. It's that painful.

I tried 3 times to get disability. I was turned down. The judge would say things like I can't work my former job but I can get another job. I was so discouraged. The judge said that I was stable on my meds because I didn't go to the hospital. I was suicidal but I didn't go to the hospital because we couldn't afford it. I was staying home to avoid medical bills. If I went to the hospital every time I was suicidal we would have had too many hospital bills. I was really frustrated. In 2003 I tried to to keep a job. It lasted a week. I was so exhausted. I couldn't do the job. It was customer service from home. Really easy. I couldn't do it. It was too hard.

I have spent most of my time during the day in bed. I stay up all night and have a hard time sleeping. It's hard trying to find a job when I sleep during the day. I tried staying awake all day. I still stay awake during the night. I can't seem to sleep at night. I go to bed at around 4 am. I sleep for a couple hours and am up in the morning. I get tired in the afternoon and take a nap. I have had this problem since 2006. I don't know how to fix it. I am trying to fix it on my own but it is difficult. I still have days when I can't function. I don't know how I am going to get a job but I have to try since my husband is out of work.

The thing about depression is that it is so insidious. It can lead to suicide and often does. I have learned to handle my suicidal feelings until they go away. A person who isn't used to this may not understand that the feelings go away and may commit suicide. It's important to pay attention to your children or relatives if they are sleeping alot and talking suicide. Take them seriously don't just treat it as a mood swing.It may save their life.

Inside Depression

My first experience with clinical depression happened when I was nine years old. I had no idea what it was or what was wrong with me. I felt so bogged down. I just wanted to sleep. I felt sad and lonely. My mother thought I was being rebellious because I wouldn't take baths. It lasted about a month and then I was back to normal. I found it hard to concentrate at school. My teacher made fun of me. After about a month it went away until I turned fifteen. I was depressed the entire year. I almost had to repeat the year in school. I didn't have to for some reason. I remember having trouble with math and chemistry classe. I made it to school on time but I had a hard time concentrating. Again, I had no idea that it was clinical depression. I figured it out later after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I didn't have another depressive episode until 1989 when I was in college. I was 21 years old then. I had several incomplete classes and had to take some over in summer school. I remember being very lethargic and slow and wanting to sleep. I couldn't get enough sleep. I would sleep in classe. I had a hard time concentrating. I was extremely sad and felt like a failure. I couldn't think very fast. I remember feeling such emotional pain that one night I wandered the campus screaming in agony. I tried killing myself with pills. I was extremely suicidal. I was involved in a campus ministry at the time. I studied with a girl and she and her sister became Christians. Then I studied with another girl who left the church with the first girl I studied. I felt so guilty that this happened that I locked myself in my dorm room for three days. I was so depressed. Then it went away and all through 1990 I felt good.I got depressed again in 1991. When I saw a doctor he diagnosed me with hypothyroid and gave me some pills for my thyroid. I continued to get depressed and became suicidal.

In 1992 I was suicidal and left school. I moved in to my own apartment after getting a job downtown. I got so suicidal that I set my apartment on fire thinking I would die in the fire. I got scared after setting my daybed on fire and left the apartment. I called a friend who took me to the hospital. I was arrested at the hospital for Arson. I spent two weeks in jail. I eventually got two years probation after which my record would be expunged. This was the lowest time in my life. I felt like such a failure. I was given prozac in jail. After I left jail I was diagnosed with unipolar depression. I was given an antidepressant. I had a bad reaction to the medicine and had a drug-induced manic episode. I was hospitalized over night and sent home the next day with the correct diagnosis bipolar disorder.

I had no home so I lived in my Dad's rented house. It was empty since he was living with his girlfriend. The nex three years were rough. I was trying to get back to work and learn about my illness.I was put on lithium which worked well except I couldn't drink caffeine for some reason. I was on lithium for 5 years. For some reason I don't remember I was put on tagertol which didn't work, lamictal which didn't work, Depakote which worked but made my periods irregular and Wellbutrin which gave me insomnia. My health insurance changed alot and I didn't always have the same psychiatrist. I went back on lithium after my most recent manic episode and have been on lithium for 8 years.

I have dealt with severe depression most of my life. It's hard to explain how debilitating it is. It's very difficult for me to be positive and stress of any kind can trigger it. I don't realize I have been depressed until I am out of it. While I am depressed my view of reality is skewed. I expect my worse fears to actually happen. It's easy for me to have alot of anxiety at times. Right now my husband is out of work and we don't have much money. I am having a hard time being positive right now about my husband finding a job in time. The economy is still bad and he hasn't had much luck. His brother sent us some money and I hope his mother will give us some money when we ask her. I am looking for work but I have to start sleeping at night. I don't know if I can change my sleep patterns I will try so I can get back to work. I am going to sign up with a state program that helps people with disbilities find work. I have been out of work for 12 years and I can't find work because I have been unemployed so long.

Clinical depression is dangerous because if gone untreated it can lead to suicide. I know that my brother was clinically depressed and that is why he committed suicide when he was in prison. I feel that going through that experience kept me from actually making alot of suicide attempts except the two I mentioned. I saw how his death devistated my mother and sisters. Some days I feel suicidal but I decide to live and face my problems. It's really hard right now because I'd rather be dead than homeless. I used to think how impossible it would be to lose a home but I have already lost one. I know it's possible so I am trying to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. It's really hard right now relying on the state which is overwhelmed with unemployed people. I wanted for my husband to keep his job until the economy improved but that's not what happened. I felt anger at him because he is angry for some reason and little things upset him and that's how he lost his job. I resent him for putting us in this situation. I haven't been in a situation like this for years.

Being clinically depressed is hard because it is difficult to think positive. I have a hard time believing that good things happen and we can avoid the bad things. I tend to believe if a bad thing happens to you once it can happen again. That's my experience. It makes for alot of anxiety which can lead to a panic attack. I had two of those so far. They are extremely unpleasant. I felt like I was dying and there was no way out. I can't explain the depths of despair I have felt while severely depressed. Psychological pain is worse than physical pain in that one doesn't see an end to the suffering. That's why suicide looks so good to a depressed person. I have had to make a decision ahead of time to live each day. Some days are harder than others. I have to force myself to think of loved ones and how they would react to my death. I have to tell myself that the pain I feel isn't permenant and that I will feel better. That can be almost impossible for me to do at times.

This year is turning out to be challenging. I am forced to face my fears and try to get through hard times. It's hard for me to be positive right now but I am trying. Hopefully I will be working again eventually and this will help me to be more positive and encouraged.

Inside Mania

The last time I felt normal was when I was 18 and in my senior year of high school. Since then it's been a series of depressions, mania, and hypomania. Depression is a state that impairs me the most. I can't function when I am severely depressed. It's like walking through a sea of molasses. I can't think very fast. I am sad,overwhelmed,unable to do simple tasks like take a shower, get out of bed. It's very debilitating. In contrast hypomania and mania are very different. In hypomania I am energetic,irritable,joyful,euphoric,high strung and extremely impulsive. I like to spend money or shoplift if I don't have any money. I'm out of control emotionally and hypersexual. Mania is more pronounced euphoria along with delusions and a loss of reality. I am also extremely sexual.

I have been manic in 1993, 2000, and 2004.I have been manic other times where I didn't need to be in the hospital. I was hospitalized in 2004 for mania for two weeks. Other times I have been hypomanic. The longest period of hypomania I had was in 1990 for a year. I have had short periods of hypomania since then. When I am not depressed or manic I am emotionally flatlined. I am emotionally neutral. I have a hard time enjoying things in this state. I do not feel deep emotions. Feeling this way is very difficult because I don't have any way of enjoying my life. I feel that I am merely existing. Sometimes I think of suicide in this state although I am not depressed.

People look at mania and think it's a good thing because of the positive emotions. Yes I feel good but my impulse control is turned off. Things that are illegal or immoral are not out of reach for me. I could shoplift or cheat on my husband. I have not control over what I do or say to people. I think I am a wonderful person and superior to others so I say things I don't mean. I am driving a car that is out of control. I have not idea where the car is going. I have no control. I could kill myself or others by the delusions I have. I got really angry at one of my therapists because she said when I was hypomanic that I was having fun anyway. She doesn't realize the fear factor in even hypomania. I have no control. I can't resist spending money I don't have or saying things I don't mean It's very scary.

Having mania is a terrifying experience. The delusions I have feel real. I don't think I'm delusional so my sense of reality is skewed. I feel like I am possessed by another entity. I hear voices that tell me to do things. I feel that I have to do what the voices tell me or I will die. I can't control my own body. I must obey the voices. I can't help myself. I have to do what they say. The thing about mania is that it can alter your brain. After the manic episode in 2004 I was unable to sleep at night. I couldn't sleep at night in the hospital. When I got home I tried to sleep at night but couldn't. I haven't been able to sleep at night since then. I was put on Lithium after that and that's when I experienced the emotional flatline experience.

Manic people are fun to be around. They are likeable and energetic. They can be easily irritated or annoyed. They have lots of energy and have high self-esteem. They are very productive and get very little sleep. When I was manic I was the life of the party. But I had poor impulse control. That's the scary part of being manic. I could do something illegal because the law didn't apply to me. I could act out my sexuality and cheat on my husband. (I didn't) I can't help myself when I am manic. I can't control the strong emotions I feel. I am out of control. I can't express how scary that is. To be out of control and unable to resist my emotions.

That is why I make sure I take my medications. I don't want to be manic. I wan't to live. I don't want to get in a situation where I jump off a building or am killed by police because I was manic.I don't want to be hypomanic either. I have been hypomanic when I lose track of my medication. I don't want to go to jail for shoplifting or doing something illegal. My illness is serious because I could kill myself in a depression or mania. I wish people would understand how I have to make the decision to live each day with my illness.

School Daze II

I was watching Akeelah And The Bee a while back when memories of my school experience came flooding back. In the film Akeelah was bullied at first and then she became popular when she won the national spelling bee. My school experience was exactly the opposite. I was made fun of and bullied in grade school. I was very shy and introverted as a result. I went to school everyday however because I loved learning and reading. I would ignore the taunting and bullying and go to school and try to focus on learning new things.

When I was in 5th grade I was subjected to extreme bullying and taunting. I was accused of spreading a rumor about a "dating" couple and everone at school hated me. I didn't think about killiing myself because of what had happened to my older brother. He killed himself in prison in 1976 when I was six years old. I went to school everyday and focused on learning and reading. In sixth grade I was also severely taunted and bullied. It really puzzled me that the teacher did nothing to stop the taunting and bullying. My biggest fear was that I would get beat up at school. Luckily that never happened. I did worry that it would however.

Akeelah had a big brother in the film who supported and loved her. It made me wonder how I would have been had my brother lived. I would have had a big brother who loved and supported me. I would have been a more confident person. I really missed my brother growing up. He was 19 when he died. I wasn't very close to him as his little sister. I was mainly an annoyance. I think he loved me but didn't show it very much.

My mother was clueless about my daily trials at school. I didn't tell her about the taunting and the bullying. I just endured it. I didn't try to fight it. I just tried to ignore it. Most of the time I would spend alot of time at the local library. I would get lost in books. It was my only refuge. I read alot. I would also go to movies by myself. I really enjoyed those movies. My dad gave me an allowance and I always spent the money on books and going to movies.

I had a very low self-esteem and image. I hated myself. I didn't get bullied in Jr. High or High School but I was very introverted. I didn't have any friends. I continued to lose myself in books and school work and movies and tv. I internalized alot of the taunting and bullying I went through in grade school. I really didn't like myself. I knew I couldn't be popular. I couldn't afford nice clothes. I didn't have a car so I never went out.

When I joined the church I was love bombed. It overwhelmed me. I couldn't believe people actually liked me and wanted to spend time with me. I was fiercely loyal to the church for twenty years because of the relationships I had. I couldn't bear to be lonely again the way I was when I was in school. I think that's why I endured the spiritual and emotional abuse within the church for so long. I wanted to please these people. I wanted to be spiritual and evangelistic and fruitful by converting alot of people. Leaving the church was hard but I had to to save my sanity.

Not working I spend alot of time alone. It's hard. It makes me think of all that time I spent alone growing up. I really hate being alone. I need social interaction on some level. I miss the social events at my church and being busy doing things that involved being around people. I really appreciate social media because it helps me connect with people if only on a superficial level.
I really appreciate the time I spend on social media. It doesn't compare with the real thing however.

The only time I felt good about myself was when I was manic or hypomanic. These feelings go away and give way to depression however. When I feel good about myself other people's opinion of me doesn't matter. I don't feel that I need to please anyone anymore. I finally feel that I like myself and who I am . That didn't really happen until I left the church I was in.

School was 25 years ago. I can't believe it's been that long. I sometimes feel as if it was yesterday. I really am glad those days are over. I need to see how my love for learning and reading saved me from getting really depressed during those days. I could have killed myself or dropped out. I persevered because I wanted an education.

I guess that's why it really hurt me when I couldn't finish college. I tried really hard to stay in school and get a degree but my illness made that impossible. It really hurts that I couldn't finish school. I felt useless and a failure for so long after dropping out. I tried to finish later on but my illness got in the way again and I couldn' finish classes so I dropped out again. I really felt like I had wasted alot of money for nothing.


My school experience and church experience molded my personality and made me who I am today. I wish teenagers would realize that school is a temporary experience and doesn't reflect the real world. It's an experience and then you go into the real world and you can learn to like yourself.

What have I been doing for the last eleven years

I really need to change how I think about myself. When I quit my job I felt so useless. I couldn't work. I was really discouraged. I thought that if I couldn't work I could at least finish my degree. I went to school for a year. I tried really hard but it was impossible for me to go to school full time because of my illness. I would get depressed and would be unable to finish classes. I really got discouraged then. It was hard. I wanted to be productive. I wanted to feel the kind of satisfaction I got from working. I was contributing to the household. I was trying to work on a career. I wanted to be a customer service supervisor one day. The company I worked for was really good. I felt good about myself. My illness however was hard to control. I went to work depressed and didn't do very well. It was hard sometimes to go to work but I felt like I had to because we couldn't live on one income. I felt that at least I could get on disabilty. When that fell through I felt angry. I felt like I was being laughed at by the state government. That I was lying about my disability. I really couldn't work. I tried to work from home. It was impossible. I felt like I was not taken seriously by the judge. It was very frustrating. We had to file bankruptsy to get rid of debt from the house we lost. It was just hard to feel good about myself. I felt useless and a burdent. I felt bad because my husband was facing alot of pressure to get a job and support us. I felt like I had failed in life. It was hard. I had to understand that I was in recovery from my illness and that I needed time to get back to being productive.

For a while I gave up and just existed in time. I didn't try to do anything. I just layed in bed and waited to die. I felt so alone and depressed. It was hard explaining to people what I did all day. I would feel ashamed of myself like I had done something wrong.I felt so ashamed of myself. I hated myself. I used to enjoy reading and writing but I stopped. It was so hard to do those things because it took so much effort and attention. After my manic episode in July of 2004 I felt like a different person. I felt like my brain had been rewired. I couldn't sleep at night. I couldn't read for long periods of time. I felt extremely depressed. I felt like the color had seeped out of my life. I felt useless and a burden to my husband. It was a really hard and long period of depression for me. I had to come to grips with my disability. I had to see that even though I couldn't prove to a judge that I was disabled the fact remained that I was disabled and couldn't go to work or to school. I had to forgive myself for being unable to do things like write and read books. I just couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I felt so badly about myself.

I just felt like I was wasting time. I was just squandering each day. I coudn't be productive I couldn't work and that made me feel sad and unwanted. I just felt like I was occupying space and not doing my fair share. I felt guilty for watching television and movies. I felt like I was wasting time. I felt like each day was a chore. Not sleeping at night made me feel even more lonely because I couldn't talk to anyone. I used to find comfort in sleep. I used to sleep deeply but now I do not. I'm a lighter sleeper. I don't sleep that much anymore. It's hard living with the limitations of my illness. I often would feel guilty because I couldn't work or volunteer. I tried volunteering but I wasn't always feeling good enough to go on a consistent basis. I felt like a huge failure. I didn't like myself. I felt stupid and lazy. I felt guilty for sleeping during the day. It was hard to get up and take a shower. I felt so alone and useless.

I haven't had a purpose in my life. When I was a Christian my purpose was getting close to God and converting people to God. That was my purpose. Not having a purpose is hard because I don't have a reason to get out of bed. I don't have a job so I don't have a reason to get dressed and get out of the house. We have a tight budget so I can't spend alot of money going out to lunch or getting coffee every day.I feel like I had to mourn the loss of my faith and church. I felt like I needed to rethink how I thought about myself. I think of Emily Dickenson who wrote poetry for her own fulfillment and didn't get any recognition for her writing until after she died. Noone knew of her talents while she was living. She lived her life and died without any acknowlegement of her writing. She wrote for herself. She did it because it gave her fulfillment. She didn't earn a penny. She was totally dependant on her father for her livelihood. I need to find something to do that gives me fulfillment too.

I have had a really hard time accepting the limitations of my illness. It's been a challenge to keep from hating myself because of my limitations. I need to be more patient with myself and realize that I can do things but just not at the pace I used to. I'm really hard on myself. I have a hard time understanding that I can't control my illness. All I can do is take medication and live around the habits of my illness. I am really bad at forgiving myself. I feel so harsh towards myself sometimes.

When I was living in my dad's house I didn't have a television. He offered to buy one for me but I told him no. I felt like if I had a tv he would think that I was watching it all day. I felt like tv was a waste of time. I felt like writing or drawing or reading a book was a better use of my time. I guess that's why I don't watch as much tv during the day. I want to feel productive. I do find myself watching tv in the morning. I like watching the news shows. By one o'clock I feel sleepy and go to bed. My husband comes home in the afternoon. We watch tv and I make dinner. Then we watch a movie and he goes to bed. I stay up watcing tv and then I get on the computer late at night. I've been avoiding reading for some reason. I just feel like reading is harder for me now than in the past. That made me feel a little stupid. I felt like I needed to read alot more than I have been. The last book I read was Joyluck Club by Amy Tan. It was a book club selection. It was a book that I had read before. I enjoyed it but it was a challenge to read it within a month. I want to read The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver. I want to take the month to read it. I don't want to rush myself. There are other books I want to read but I get overwhelmed when I think about reading them. I have alot of unread books that I haven't read. I feel guilty for not reading. I feel like I need to be patient with myself and read at a slower pace than what I used to read. A guy from high school said he could read 100 pages an hour. That just sticks in my brain and I feel as if I don't read 100 pages an hour and a book a week there must be something wrong with me. I know now that that is silly. I need to read as fast or slowly and I want to in order to enjoy the book.

Since my manic episode I have felt like a different person. I have not felt comfortable with myself for a long time. I didn't understand what was going on and why I felt so different. It's as if my personality changed. I really feel like my brain underwent a change. I can't prove it but it feels like it.I have just had it with the self-hatred and self-condemnation. I just don't have the energy to do this anymore. I also feel alot of anxiey about the future. I worry that something will happen to my husband and he will be unable to support us. I worry about my elderly mother and how she gets along. I worry that I will have a stroke or heart attack or get cancer and have medical bills that I can't pay. Anything can happen and usually does. It's hard not to worry about what could happen. I just want to focus on what actually is happening in my life and not worry about what could happen. It's hard to do that especially since I hve alot time on my hands. I think alot about what could happen and it worries me. I just think about what the Bible says about worry that you can't add an hour to your life by worrying. Something to remember.

I used to feel suicidal every day for years. I had to decide to live everyday for a while. It was hard just not trying to kill myself. I wish people would understand that. Having a mental illness is hard. It's difficult because of the suffering people go through. I didn't understand that myself until my sister died. I realized that she was fighting to live a normal life and it was really hard for her to do that. She struggled really hard to live each day as a happy person. I can't always be happy but I can be content. I can't always do things but I can try to do something. It's really hard for my pride to realize my weaknesses. I have never forgiven myself for not finishing school. It's really hard for me to come to grips with the fact that I couldn't finish school. I feel extremely guilty for not working for so long. I realize now that when I tried to work I couldn't do it. It was hard realizing that.

I'm at the poing in my life where I am ready to forgive myself for my weaknesses. It's hard but I am trying. I just don't have the energy to condemn myself anymore. Maybe in the long run I will be able to work again. I don't know how but I will try. Until then I will take pleasure in doing things for myself and not because of a feeling of guilt that I need to be productive. I'm ready to enjoy each day and take my struggles as they come. I hope I won't need to experience my worst fears but I have already done that and I have survived.

Thinking about Dad

My dad and mom got a divorce when I was three years old. I saw my dad on weekends until I was about 12 years old. I don't remember when my parents were married. I just remember going to Dad's house and spending the night. He would take us skating or to eat somewhere. I remember eating so much that I threw up in my sleep. We didn't have much food at my mother's house. She was on welfare and got food stamps. We shopped at the local thrift store. In the summer we would go to Clarksville, Tennessee to visit relatives. I was always fighting with my cousin Ken. He was the same age as me.

My dad never hugged me. He never said one kind word to me that I believed. He would pay for stuff and help my mother hold on to the house but he never showed any affection for me. He had a hard time understanding me. I read alot and he just didn't understand why I read so many books.I got into the Bible and he didn't understand that either. He didn't try to understand me. Alot went unsaid between us for a long time. I didn't understand why we were living in poverty and he was buying and selling houses. I felt like a burden to him and what money he gave us he made sure we felt guilty for receiving it.

When I went to jail for burning my apartment in a suicide attempt I called him. He said I was a special person. I didn't believe him. I was so depressed. I was sure that I was going to do prison time but that didn't happen. I got two years probation with the case to be dismissed after two years. I had to file bankruptsy to avoid a law suit from the apartment complex's insurance company. My dad paid for the attourney and gave me a place to live for two years. I felt like he thought I was a disappointment. I dropped out of college and had to go on medication for bipolar disorder. I never felt his approval of my life. Even when I moved out of the house he let me live in rent free he never told me he was proud of me.

When the basement of the house where I was living in flooded he got mad at me because I forgot where the shut off valve to the pipes was. He had to buy a sump pump and pump out the water. He was livid. I was spacey from all the medication I was taking. He said something very hurtful . He said I had book learning but no common sense. Those words really hurt me and I never forgot them.

When my dad was dying of cancer I just told him I loved him. I didn't try to get him to apologize for that comment. I thought it was irrevelant. Watching him weaken and die filled me with compassion for him. He really felt guilty for my brother's suicide in prison. I don't know the details but he felt responsible some how. When he died I mourned the relationship we could have had together. I was hurt that he couldn't communicate his love for me and my siblings.

He died in 1994 and I am still feeling the sting of his words. He never believed in me or understood me. He never tried to understand me. He never tried to show his love for me. I think that's why I became religious. I wanted love from a heavenly father. I wanted to feel like I mattered to someone. I joined a cult because they love bombed me and made me feel wanted and loved. If my dad had tried a little harder to let me know he loved me I wouldn't have fallen for such a monumental waste of my time.

I finally realize that I can't keep blaming my dad for his inadequacies. He was unable to communicate for whatever reason. His indifference really hurt me but I can't change the past. I need to see that he did love me and that he was unable to show it most of the time. I wish I would have made him say he loved me. I wish I could have had more time to explain myself. Why I was a Christian , why I read so many books. I wish we could have reached a mutual understanding. He didn't understand my illness and the way it was affecting me. He didn't understand why I would forget something like where a shut off valve would be. What hurts is that he didn't try understand me or my illness. He never asked questions. I couldn't get him to talk to me. It was hard. I should have tried harder but I didn't realize that I was running out of time.

I've carried around in my heart alot of anger and hurt towards my dad. I need to let it go and realize that my dad's inability to love me wasn't my fault. I have to realize that he just couldn't communicate the way I wanted him to. I need to accept the relationship we did have and leave it at that. It's hard to do but I need to let go of all this anger and hurt. My dad worked hard at things but relationships he couldn't handle very well. Maybe he had a rough childhood and had a hard time in Korea and Vietnam. It's hard to tell. I just want to make sure that I am not like my dad and communicate to those I love.

More Random Thoughts

It's really hard trying to be positive during this time of economic crisis. I worry about my mother who is dependant on Social Security. I worry about my husband and his job. I worry about my neice who is in the Air Force who won't get a check if America defaults. Its very hard. This economy is so bad it could get worse. Restaurants and other businesses could close. I think about the local grocery store we go to. It's so convenient to have yet if it closed we'd have to take the bus again. I don't want to do that.A modern depression would suck big time. I don't think Congress understands how serious this is. We can't afford another depression. We need to get out of Iraq and Afganistan and take care of our own. We need to take care of the elderly, homeless and children. Our educational system is getting the shaft because we can't afford to pay for it. There's so much waste in government we need to get rid of it and take care of those who are weak.

I was shocked and saddened at what happened in Norway. I don't understand how such a nutball can grow in a country as benign as Norway. The horror this man caused just to make a point is terrifying. It reminded me of 9/11 and the bombing in Oklahoma. I just don't understand these fanatics who are bent on killing the innocent to make a point. I just don't comprehend it. It made me think about the existence of evil in people. People are going to be evil and do evil things and it's not going to make any sense. Evil people don't think they are doing evil. They justify it and try to defend their evil deeds. Hitler didn't think he was evil. Niether did Stalin. The insurgents who hanged an 8 year old boy didn't think they were evil. It boggles the mind. I've hurt people and at the time I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I thought I was defending myself or taking care of myself. I felt like a victim so I justified it. Dr. Phil said that some people have a warrior gene that makes then especially agressive and violent. This kind of behavior must perpetuate because it ensures survival. I don't know how else to explain how people can be so evil.

This year has turned out to be a bad one for the economy. We need the government to come together and work toward the greater good. I am still hopeful that Congress will work out a plan and avert disaster. We need to tough it out for the next ten years and the government has got to learn to live within its means and cut waste.The government has to change the way it works. It's going to be hard but I think a balanced budget amendment is needed. I think we need the amendment as a form of self policing to get the government to live within it's means. We also need to reform the tax code so that it is fair.

I feel like as time goes on I lose things that used to give me pleasure. I used to sleep deeply and through the night. Now I takes naps during the day. I feel like I've been awake all the time. It's a frustrating feeling. I am diabetic so I can't have any sugar. I used to like smoothies and Starbucks and chocolate but no more. I can't enjoy reading the way I used to since my last manic episode. It's hard because reading books was such a comfort to me. I took pleasure in going to church to worship God but now I don't believe in God. It's really hard trying to be positive when the things that used to give me pleasure are out of reach.

I used to hate myself for having a sinful nature. I felt like I was crucifying Jesus all over again with my sins. I used to try so hard to stay sinless and faithful to God. It was excruciating. I couldn't always keep from sinning. I had to many weaknesses. I couldn't keep up with God's expectations. How was I supposed to keep joyful and thankful with this tightrope that I had to walk each day? It was impossible. I finally gave up. I couldn't stay sane and and a Christian at the same time. Something had to give. I thought being sane was more important that being a Christian.

I've been poor all my life. Life has been a struggle. I don't know why it is that people can suffer all their lives and other people have it easy. It's not fair. I guess that's why Communism developed. It was supposed to make it fair for everybody but that didn't happen. I'm used to going without and doing without things. I do miss working. I wish I had a part time job or something. It's hard because I don't sleep at the same time every day. I can't commit to a job right now. I don't see how volunteering would be any easier since I can't commit to a regular schedule. It's difficult living within my limitations.

If my diabetes gets worse we may not be able to afford the insulin. I don't want to be in that position so I will take care of myself and take my medication. I hate exercise but I will start today and go to the gym where we have a membership. Diabetes is a scary disease and I dread what it will do to my body. I try to do everything that I am supposed to do to manage my blood sugar but finances make it hard.

The Middle East is such a volatile place. We need to get out of there. We can't solve the problems that have been there for hundreds of years. I hope Obama gets re-elected so he can oversee the withdrawal of troops from that region. The hatred of us has just gotten worse over the years. I don't think being there any longer will fix anything. We can't play World Policman anymore we can't afford it. North Korea looks like our next problem anyway.

I don't know how much more I can take. The doctor said my cholesterol was very high and put me on a medication. I don't want to have a stroke or heart attack. I feel like this in inevitable because of my family history. I wish I could afford more medical treatment but it's out of the question. I wish the government would simply live within its means the way I have to. I just don't think it's in the cards for me to live past my 50th birthday.

I wish I could work so we didn't have to worry about money. We live paycheck to paycheck and can't keep a savings. We are barely living on one income. It's hard because one disaster to set us back and we would end up on the street. My anxiety about this is hard to live with. I worry all the time about money and having enough to cover our expenses. It's hard because I have so much time on my hands I just worry alot about our finances. I don't know what to do to get rid of this anxiety. I think I will always have this as long as I cannot contribute to our budget.

Life is a struggle and not always fair. If we default we will survive but what kind of nation will we be? I don't want to go there. I don't want to see the financial disaster that will happen. I don't want to end up on the street or see anyone I love end up there. It's really hard to get through this week without thinking about the worse case scenario. I just don't know how to get through this week except to take it one day at a time and hope for the best.

I'm thankful that my husband has been able to work and keep us off the streets but I need to find a way to make a living somehow so we can build a savings. I just can't stand the stress of living the way we have to because I haven't been able to work. I have to do something to change our financial situation. I will research writing and getting a part time job doing something I don't know .

Just expressing some random thoughts and feelings as we go through this stressful week. I really hope things work out and we can go forward. It's hard because I can't see the future. Even if I could see the future could I change it? I don't think so.