I was watching Akeelah And The Bee a while back when memories of my school experience came flooding back. In the film Akeelah was bullied at first and then she became popular when she won the national spelling bee. My school experience was exactly the opposite. I was made fun of and bullied in grade school. I was very shy and introverted as a result. I went to school everyday however because I loved learning and reading. I would ignore the taunting and bullying and go to school and try to focus on learning new things.
When I was in 5th grade I was subjected to extreme bullying and taunting. I was accused of spreading a rumor about a "dating" couple and everone at school hated me. I didn't think about killiing myself because of what had happened to my older brother. He killed himself in prison in 1976 when I was six years old. I went to school everyday and focused on learning and reading. In sixth grade I was also severely taunted and bullied. It really puzzled me that the teacher did nothing to stop the taunting and bullying. My biggest fear was that I would get beat up at school. Luckily that never happened. I did worry that it would however.
Akeelah had a big brother in the film who supported and loved her. It made me wonder how I would have been had my brother lived. I would have had a big brother who loved and supported me. I would have been a more confident person. I really missed my brother growing up. He was 19 when he died. I wasn't very close to him as his little sister. I was mainly an annoyance. I think he loved me but didn't show it very much.
My mother was clueless about my daily trials at school. I didn't tell her about the taunting and the bullying. I just endured it. I didn't try to fight it. I just tried to ignore it. Most of the time I would spend alot of time at the local library. I would get lost in books. It was my only refuge. I read alot. I would also go to movies by myself. I really enjoyed those movies. My dad gave me an allowance and I always spent the money on books and going to movies.
I had a very low self-esteem and image. I hated myself. I didn't get bullied in Jr. High or High School but I was very introverted. I didn't have any friends. I continued to lose myself in books and school work and movies and tv. I internalized alot of the taunting and bullying I went through in grade school. I really didn't like myself. I knew I couldn't be popular. I couldn't afford nice clothes. I didn't have a car so I never went out.
When I joined the church I was love bombed. It overwhelmed me. I couldn't believe people actually liked me and wanted to spend time with me. I was fiercely loyal to the church for twenty years because of the relationships I had. I couldn't bear to be lonely again the way I was when I was in school. I think that's why I endured the spiritual and emotional abuse within the church for so long. I wanted to please these people. I wanted to be spiritual and evangelistic and fruitful by converting alot of people. Leaving the church was hard but I had to to save my sanity.
Not working I spend alot of time alone. It's hard. It makes me think of all that time I spent alone growing up. I really hate being alone. I need social interaction on some level. I miss the social events at my church and being busy doing things that involved being around people. I really appreciate social media because it helps me connect with people if only on a superficial level.
I really appreciate the time I spend on social media. It doesn't compare with the real thing however.
The only time I felt good about myself was when I was manic or hypomanic. These feelings go away and give way to depression however. When I feel good about myself other people's opinion of me doesn't matter. I don't feel that I need to please anyone anymore. I finally feel that I like myself and who I am . That didn't really happen until I left the church I was in.
School was 25 years ago. I can't believe it's been that long. I sometimes feel as if it was yesterday. I really am glad those days are over. I need to see how my love for learning and reading saved me from getting really depressed during those days. I could have killed myself or dropped out. I persevered because I wanted an education.
I guess that's why it really hurt me when I couldn't finish college. I tried really hard to stay in school and get a degree but my illness made that impossible. It really hurts that I couldn't finish school. I felt useless and a failure for so long after dropping out. I tried to finish later on but my illness got in the way again and I couldn' finish classes so I dropped out again. I really felt like I had wasted alot of money for nothing.
My school experience and church experience molded my personality and made me who I am today. I wish teenagers would realize that school is a temporary experience and doesn't reflect the real world. It's an experience and then you go into the real world and you can learn to like yourself.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
What have I been doing for the last eleven years
I really need to change how I think about myself. When I quit my job I felt so useless. I couldn't work. I was really discouraged. I thought that if I couldn't work I could at least finish my degree. I went to school for a year. I tried really hard but it was impossible for me to go to school full time because of my illness. I would get depressed and would be unable to finish classes. I really got discouraged then. It was hard. I wanted to be productive. I wanted to feel the kind of satisfaction I got from working. I was contributing to the household. I was trying to work on a career. I wanted to be a customer service supervisor one day. The company I worked for was really good. I felt good about myself. My illness however was hard to control. I went to work depressed and didn't do very well. It was hard sometimes to go to work but I felt like I had to because we couldn't live on one income. I felt that at least I could get on disabilty. When that fell through I felt angry. I felt like I was being laughed at by the state government. That I was lying about my disability. I really couldn't work. I tried to work from home. It was impossible. I felt like I was not taken seriously by the judge. It was very frustrating. We had to file bankruptsy to get rid of debt from the house we lost. It was just hard to feel good about myself. I felt useless and a burdent. I felt bad because my husband was facing alot of pressure to get a job and support us. I felt like I had failed in life. It was hard. I had to understand that I was in recovery from my illness and that I needed time to get back to being productive.
For a while I gave up and just existed in time. I didn't try to do anything. I just layed in bed and waited to die. I felt so alone and depressed. It was hard explaining to people what I did all day. I would feel ashamed of myself like I had done something wrong.I felt so ashamed of myself. I hated myself. I used to enjoy reading and writing but I stopped. It was so hard to do those things because it took so much effort and attention. After my manic episode in July of 2004 I felt like a different person. I felt like my brain had been rewired. I couldn't sleep at night. I couldn't read for long periods of time. I felt extremely depressed. I felt like the color had seeped out of my life. I felt useless and a burden to my husband. It was a really hard and long period of depression for me. I had to come to grips with my disability. I had to see that even though I couldn't prove to a judge that I was disabled the fact remained that I was disabled and couldn't go to work or to school. I had to forgive myself for being unable to do things like write and read books. I just couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I felt so badly about myself.
I just felt like I was wasting time. I was just squandering each day. I coudn't be productive I couldn't work and that made me feel sad and unwanted. I just felt like I was occupying space and not doing my fair share. I felt guilty for watching television and movies. I felt like I was wasting time. I felt like each day was a chore. Not sleeping at night made me feel even more lonely because I couldn't talk to anyone. I used to find comfort in sleep. I used to sleep deeply but now I do not. I'm a lighter sleeper. I don't sleep that much anymore. It's hard living with the limitations of my illness. I often would feel guilty because I couldn't work or volunteer. I tried volunteering but I wasn't always feeling good enough to go on a consistent basis. I felt like a huge failure. I didn't like myself. I felt stupid and lazy. I felt guilty for sleeping during the day. It was hard to get up and take a shower. I felt so alone and useless.
I haven't had a purpose in my life. When I was a Christian my purpose was getting close to God and converting people to God. That was my purpose. Not having a purpose is hard because I don't have a reason to get out of bed. I don't have a job so I don't have a reason to get dressed and get out of the house. We have a tight budget so I can't spend alot of money going out to lunch or getting coffee every day.I feel like I had to mourn the loss of my faith and church. I felt like I needed to rethink how I thought about myself. I think of Emily Dickenson who wrote poetry for her own fulfillment and didn't get any recognition for her writing until after she died. Noone knew of her talents while she was living. She lived her life and died without any acknowlegement of her writing. She wrote for herself. She did it because it gave her fulfillment. She didn't earn a penny. She was totally dependant on her father for her livelihood. I need to find something to do that gives me fulfillment too.
I have had a really hard time accepting the limitations of my illness. It's been a challenge to keep from hating myself because of my limitations. I need to be more patient with myself and realize that I can do things but just not at the pace I used to. I'm really hard on myself. I have a hard time understanding that I can't control my illness. All I can do is take medication and live around the habits of my illness. I am really bad at forgiving myself. I feel so harsh towards myself sometimes.
When I was living in my dad's house I didn't have a television. He offered to buy one for me but I told him no. I felt like if I had a tv he would think that I was watching it all day. I felt like tv was a waste of time. I felt like writing or drawing or reading a book was a better use of my time. I guess that's why I don't watch as much tv during the day. I want to feel productive. I do find myself watching tv in the morning. I like watching the news shows. By one o'clock I feel sleepy and go to bed. My husband comes home in the afternoon. We watch tv and I make dinner. Then we watch a movie and he goes to bed. I stay up watcing tv and then I get on the computer late at night. I've been avoiding reading for some reason. I just feel like reading is harder for me now than in the past. That made me feel a little stupid. I felt like I needed to read alot more than I have been. The last book I read was Joyluck Club by Amy Tan. It was a book club selection. It was a book that I had read before. I enjoyed it but it was a challenge to read it within a month. I want to read The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver. I want to take the month to read it. I don't want to rush myself. There are other books I want to read but I get overwhelmed when I think about reading them. I have alot of unread books that I haven't read. I feel guilty for not reading. I feel like I need to be patient with myself and read at a slower pace than what I used to read. A guy from high school said he could read 100 pages an hour. That just sticks in my brain and I feel as if I don't read 100 pages an hour and a book a week there must be something wrong with me. I know now that that is silly. I need to read as fast or slowly and I want to in order to enjoy the book.
Since my manic episode I have felt like a different person. I have not felt comfortable with myself for a long time. I didn't understand what was going on and why I felt so different. It's as if my personality changed. I really feel like my brain underwent a change. I can't prove it but it feels like it.I have just had it with the self-hatred and self-condemnation. I just don't have the energy to do this anymore. I also feel alot of anxiey about the future. I worry that something will happen to my husband and he will be unable to support us. I worry about my elderly mother and how she gets along. I worry that I will have a stroke or heart attack or get cancer and have medical bills that I can't pay. Anything can happen and usually does. It's hard not to worry about what could happen. I just want to focus on what actually is happening in my life and not worry about what could happen. It's hard to do that especially since I hve alot time on my hands. I think alot about what could happen and it worries me. I just think about what the Bible says about worry that you can't add an hour to your life by worrying. Something to remember.
I used to feel suicidal every day for years. I had to decide to live everyday for a while. It was hard just not trying to kill myself. I wish people would understand that. Having a mental illness is hard. It's difficult because of the suffering people go through. I didn't understand that myself until my sister died. I realized that she was fighting to live a normal life and it was really hard for her to do that. She struggled really hard to live each day as a happy person. I can't always be happy but I can be content. I can't always do things but I can try to do something. It's really hard for my pride to realize my weaknesses. I have never forgiven myself for not finishing school. It's really hard for me to come to grips with the fact that I couldn't finish school. I feel extremely guilty for not working for so long. I realize now that when I tried to work I couldn't do it. It was hard realizing that.
I'm at the poing in my life where I am ready to forgive myself for my weaknesses. It's hard but I am trying. I just don't have the energy to condemn myself anymore. Maybe in the long run I will be able to work again. I don't know how but I will try. Until then I will take pleasure in doing things for myself and not because of a feeling of guilt that I need to be productive. I'm ready to enjoy each day and take my struggles as they come. I hope I won't need to experience my worst fears but I have already done that and I have survived.
For a while I gave up and just existed in time. I didn't try to do anything. I just layed in bed and waited to die. I felt so alone and depressed. It was hard explaining to people what I did all day. I would feel ashamed of myself like I had done something wrong.I felt so ashamed of myself. I hated myself. I used to enjoy reading and writing but I stopped. It was so hard to do those things because it took so much effort and attention. After my manic episode in July of 2004 I felt like a different person. I felt like my brain had been rewired. I couldn't sleep at night. I couldn't read for long periods of time. I felt extremely depressed. I felt like the color had seeped out of my life. I felt useless and a burden to my husband. It was a really hard and long period of depression for me. I had to come to grips with my disability. I had to see that even though I couldn't prove to a judge that I was disabled the fact remained that I was disabled and couldn't go to work or to school. I had to forgive myself for being unable to do things like write and read books. I just couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I felt so badly about myself.
I just felt like I was wasting time. I was just squandering each day. I coudn't be productive I couldn't work and that made me feel sad and unwanted. I just felt like I was occupying space and not doing my fair share. I felt guilty for watching television and movies. I felt like I was wasting time. I felt like each day was a chore. Not sleeping at night made me feel even more lonely because I couldn't talk to anyone. I used to find comfort in sleep. I used to sleep deeply but now I do not. I'm a lighter sleeper. I don't sleep that much anymore. It's hard living with the limitations of my illness. I often would feel guilty because I couldn't work or volunteer. I tried volunteering but I wasn't always feeling good enough to go on a consistent basis. I felt like a huge failure. I didn't like myself. I felt stupid and lazy. I felt guilty for sleeping during the day. It was hard to get up and take a shower. I felt so alone and useless.
I haven't had a purpose in my life. When I was a Christian my purpose was getting close to God and converting people to God. That was my purpose. Not having a purpose is hard because I don't have a reason to get out of bed. I don't have a job so I don't have a reason to get dressed and get out of the house. We have a tight budget so I can't spend alot of money going out to lunch or getting coffee every day.I feel like I had to mourn the loss of my faith and church. I felt like I needed to rethink how I thought about myself. I think of Emily Dickenson who wrote poetry for her own fulfillment and didn't get any recognition for her writing until after she died. Noone knew of her talents while she was living. She lived her life and died without any acknowlegement of her writing. She wrote for herself. She did it because it gave her fulfillment. She didn't earn a penny. She was totally dependant on her father for her livelihood. I need to find something to do that gives me fulfillment too.
I have had a really hard time accepting the limitations of my illness. It's been a challenge to keep from hating myself because of my limitations. I need to be more patient with myself and realize that I can do things but just not at the pace I used to. I'm really hard on myself. I have a hard time understanding that I can't control my illness. All I can do is take medication and live around the habits of my illness. I am really bad at forgiving myself. I feel so harsh towards myself sometimes.
When I was living in my dad's house I didn't have a television. He offered to buy one for me but I told him no. I felt like if I had a tv he would think that I was watching it all day. I felt like tv was a waste of time. I felt like writing or drawing or reading a book was a better use of my time. I guess that's why I don't watch as much tv during the day. I want to feel productive. I do find myself watching tv in the morning. I like watching the news shows. By one o'clock I feel sleepy and go to bed. My husband comes home in the afternoon. We watch tv and I make dinner. Then we watch a movie and he goes to bed. I stay up watcing tv and then I get on the computer late at night. I've been avoiding reading for some reason. I just feel like reading is harder for me now than in the past. That made me feel a little stupid. I felt like I needed to read alot more than I have been. The last book I read was Joyluck Club by Amy Tan. It was a book club selection. It was a book that I had read before. I enjoyed it but it was a challenge to read it within a month. I want to read The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver. I want to take the month to read it. I don't want to rush myself. There are other books I want to read but I get overwhelmed when I think about reading them. I have alot of unread books that I haven't read. I feel guilty for not reading. I feel like I need to be patient with myself and read at a slower pace than what I used to read. A guy from high school said he could read 100 pages an hour. That just sticks in my brain and I feel as if I don't read 100 pages an hour and a book a week there must be something wrong with me. I know now that that is silly. I need to read as fast or slowly and I want to in order to enjoy the book.
Since my manic episode I have felt like a different person. I have not felt comfortable with myself for a long time. I didn't understand what was going on and why I felt so different. It's as if my personality changed. I really feel like my brain underwent a change. I can't prove it but it feels like it.I have just had it with the self-hatred and self-condemnation. I just don't have the energy to do this anymore. I also feel alot of anxiey about the future. I worry that something will happen to my husband and he will be unable to support us. I worry about my elderly mother and how she gets along. I worry that I will have a stroke or heart attack or get cancer and have medical bills that I can't pay. Anything can happen and usually does. It's hard not to worry about what could happen. I just want to focus on what actually is happening in my life and not worry about what could happen. It's hard to do that especially since I hve alot time on my hands. I think alot about what could happen and it worries me. I just think about what the Bible says about worry that you can't add an hour to your life by worrying. Something to remember.
I used to feel suicidal every day for years. I had to decide to live everyday for a while. It was hard just not trying to kill myself. I wish people would understand that. Having a mental illness is hard. It's difficult because of the suffering people go through. I didn't understand that myself until my sister died. I realized that she was fighting to live a normal life and it was really hard for her to do that. She struggled really hard to live each day as a happy person. I can't always be happy but I can be content. I can't always do things but I can try to do something. It's really hard for my pride to realize my weaknesses. I have never forgiven myself for not finishing school. It's really hard for me to come to grips with the fact that I couldn't finish school. I feel extremely guilty for not working for so long. I realize now that when I tried to work I couldn't do it. It was hard realizing that.
I'm at the poing in my life where I am ready to forgive myself for my weaknesses. It's hard but I am trying. I just don't have the energy to condemn myself anymore. Maybe in the long run I will be able to work again. I don't know how but I will try. Until then I will take pleasure in doing things for myself and not because of a feeling of guilt that I need to be productive. I'm ready to enjoy each day and take my struggles as they come. I hope I won't need to experience my worst fears but I have already done that and I have survived.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Thinking about Dad
My dad and mom got a divorce when I was three years old. I saw my dad on weekends until I was about 12 years old. I don't remember when my parents were married. I just remember going to Dad's house and spending the night. He would take us skating or to eat somewhere. I remember eating so much that I threw up in my sleep. We didn't have much food at my mother's house. She was on welfare and got food stamps. We shopped at the local thrift store. In the summer we would go to Clarksville, Tennessee to visit relatives. I was always fighting with my cousin Ken. He was the same age as me.
My dad never hugged me. He never said one kind word to me that I believed. He would pay for stuff and help my mother hold on to the house but he never showed any affection for me. He had a hard time understanding me. I read alot and he just didn't understand why I read so many books.I got into the Bible and he didn't understand that either. He didn't try to understand me. Alot went unsaid between us for a long time. I didn't understand why we were living in poverty and he was buying and selling houses. I felt like a burden to him and what money he gave us he made sure we felt guilty for receiving it.
When I went to jail for burning my apartment in a suicide attempt I called him. He said I was a special person. I didn't believe him. I was so depressed. I was sure that I was going to do prison time but that didn't happen. I got two years probation with the case to be dismissed after two years. I had to file bankruptsy to avoid a law suit from the apartment complex's insurance company. My dad paid for the attourney and gave me a place to live for two years. I felt like he thought I was a disappointment. I dropped out of college and had to go on medication for bipolar disorder. I never felt his approval of my life. Even when I moved out of the house he let me live in rent free he never told me he was proud of me.
When the basement of the house where I was living in flooded he got mad at me because I forgot where the shut off valve to the pipes was. He had to buy a sump pump and pump out the water. He was livid. I was spacey from all the medication I was taking. He said something very hurtful . He said I had book learning but no common sense. Those words really hurt me and I never forgot them.
When my dad was dying of cancer I just told him I loved him. I didn't try to get him to apologize for that comment. I thought it was irrevelant. Watching him weaken and die filled me with compassion for him. He really felt guilty for my brother's suicide in prison. I don't know the details but he felt responsible some how. When he died I mourned the relationship we could have had together. I was hurt that he couldn't communicate his love for me and my siblings.
He died in 1994 and I am still feeling the sting of his words. He never believed in me or understood me. He never tried to understand me. He never tried to show his love for me. I think that's why I became religious. I wanted love from a heavenly father. I wanted to feel like I mattered to someone. I joined a cult because they love bombed me and made me feel wanted and loved. If my dad had tried a little harder to let me know he loved me I wouldn't have fallen for such a monumental waste of my time.
I finally realize that I can't keep blaming my dad for his inadequacies. He was unable to communicate for whatever reason. His indifference really hurt me but I can't change the past. I need to see that he did love me and that he was unable to show it most of the time. I wish I would have made him say he loved me. I wish I could have had more time to explain myself. Why I was a Christian , why I read so many books. I wish we could have reached a mutual understanding. He didn't understand my illness and the way it was affecting me. He didn't understand why I would forget something like where a shut off valve would be. What hurts is that he didn't try understand me or my illness. He never asked questions. I couldn't get him to talk to me. It was hard. I should have tried harder but I didn't realize that I was running out of time.
I've carried around in my heart alot of anger and hurt towards my dad. I need to let it go and realize that my dad's inability to love me wasn't my fault. I have to realize that he just couldn't communicate the way I wanted him to. I need to accept the relationship we did have and leave it at that. It's hard to do but I need to let go of all this anger and hurt. My dad worked hard at things but relationships he couldn't handle very well. Maybe he had a rough childhood and had a hard time in Korea and Vietnam. It's hard to tell. I just want to make sure that I am not like my dad and communicate to those I love.
My dad never hugged me. He never said one kind word to me that I believed. He would pay for stuff and help my mother hold on to the house but he never showed any affection for me. He had a hard time understanding me. I read alot and he just didn't understand why I read so many books.I got into the Bible and he didn't understand that either. He didn't try to understand me. Alot went unsaid between us for a long time. I didn't understand why we were living in poverty and he was buying and selling houses. I felt like a burden to him and what money he gave us he made sure we felt guilty for receiving it.
When I went to jail for burning my apartment in a suicide attempt I called him. He said I was a special person. I didn't believe him. I was so depressed. I was sure that I was going to do prison time but that didn't happen. I got two years probation with the case to be dismissed after two years. I had to file bankruptsy to avoid a law suit from the apartment complex's insurance company. My dad paid for the attourney and gave me a place to live for two years. I felt like he thought I was a disappointment. I dropped out of college and had to go on medication for bipolar disorder. I never felt his approval of my life. Even when I moved out of the house he let me live in rent free he never told me he was proud of me.
When the basement of the house where I was living in flooded he got mad at me because I forgot where the shut off valve to the pipes was. He had to buy a sump pump and pump out the water. He was livid. I was spacey from all the medication I was taking. He said something very hurtful . He said I had book learning but no common sense. Those words really hurt me and I never forgot them.
When my dad was dying of cancer I just told him I loved him. I didn't try to get him to apologize for that comment. I thought it was irrevelant. Watching him weaken and die filled me with compassion for him. He really felt guilty for my brother's suicide in prison. I don't know the details but he felt responsible some how. When he died I mourned the relationship we could have had together. I was hurt that he couldn't communicate his love for me and my siblings.
He died in 1994 and I am still feeling the sting of his words. He never believed in me or understood me. He never tried to understand me. He never tried to show his love for me. I think that's why I became religious. I wanted love from a heavenly father. I wanted to feel like I mattered to someone. I joined a cult because they love bombed me and made me feel wanted and loved. If my dad had tried a little harder to let me know he loved me I wouldn't have fallen for such a monumental waste of my time.
I finally realize that I can't keep blaming my dad for his inadequacies. He was unable to communicate for whatever reason. His indifference really hurt me but I can't change the past. I need to see that he did love me and that he was unable to show it most of the time. I wish I would have made him say he loved me. I wish I could have had more time to explain myself. Why I was a Christian , why I read so many books. I wish we could have reached a mutual understanding. He didn't understand my illness and the way it was affecting me. He didn't understand why I would forget something like where a shut off valve would be. What hurts is that he didn't try understand me or my illness. He never asked questions. I couldn't get him to talk to me. It was hard. I should have tried harder but I didn't realize that I was running out of time.
I've carried around in my heart alot of anger and hurt towards my dad. I need to let it go and realize that my dad's inability to love me wasn't my fault. I have to realize that he just couldn't communicate the way I wanted him to. I need to accept the relationship we did have and leave it at that. It's hard to do but I need to let go of all this anger and hurt. My dad worked hard at things but relationships he couldn't handle very well. Maybe he had a rough childhood and had a hard time in Korea and Vietnam. It's hard to tell. I just want to make sure that I am not like my dad and communicate to those I love.
Friday, July 29, 2011
More Random Thoughts
It's really hard trying to be positive during this time of economic crisis. I worry about my mother who is dependant on Social Security. I worry about my husband and his job. I worry about my neice who is in the Air Force who won't get a check if America defaults. Its very hard. This economy is so bad it could get worse. Restaurants and other businesses could close. I think about the local grocery store we go to. It's so convenient to have yet if it closed we'd have to take the bus again. I don't want to do that.A modern depression would suck big time. I don't think Congress understands how serious this is. We can't afford another depression. We need to get out of Iraq and Afganistan and take care of our own. We need to take care of the elderly, homeless and children. Our educational system is getting the shaft because we can't afford to pay for it. There's so much waste in government we need to get rid of it and take care of those who are weak.
I was shocked and saddened at what happened in Norway. I don't understand how such a nutball can grow in a country as benign as Norway. The horror this man caused just to make a point is terrifying. It reminded me of 9/11 and the bombing in Oklahoma. I just don't understand these fanatics who are bent on killing the innocent to make a point. I just don't comprehend it. It made me think about the existence of evil in people. People are going to be evil and do evil things and it's not going to make any sense. Evil people don't think they are doing evil. They justify it and try to defend their evil deeds. Hitler didn't think he was evil. Niether did Stalin. The insurgents who hanged an 8 year old boy didn't think they were evil. It boggles the mind. I've hurt people and at the time I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I thought I was defending myself or taking care of myself. I felt like a victim so I justified it. Dr. Phil said that some people have a warrior gene that makes then especially agressive and violent. This kind of behavior must perpetuate because it ensures survival. I don't know how else to explain how people can be so evil.
This year has turned out to be a bad one for the economy. We need the government to come together and work toward the greater good. I am still hopeful that Congress will work out a plan and avert disaster. We need to tough it out for the next ten years and the government has got to learn to live within its means and cut waste.The government has to change the way it works. It's going to be hard but I think a balanced budget amendment is needed. I think we need the amendment as a form of self policing to get the government to live within it's means. We also need to reform the tax code so that it is fair.
I feel like as time goes on I lose things that used to give me pleasure. I used to sleep deeply and through the night. Now I takes naps during the day. I feel like I've been awake all the time. It's a frustrating feeling. I am diabetic so I can't have any sugar. I used to like smoothies and Starbucks and chocolate but no more. I can't enjoy reading the way I used to since my last manic episode. It's hard because reading books was such a comfort to me. I took pleasure in going to church to worship God but now I don't believe in God. It's really hard trying to be positive when the things that used to give me pleasure are out of reach.
I used to hate myself for having a sinful nature. I felt like I was crucifying Jesus all over again with my sins. I used to try so hard to stay sinless and faithful to God. It was excruciating. I couldn't always keep from sinning. I had to many weaknesses. I couldn't keep up with God's expectations. How was I supposed to keep joyful and thankful with this tightrope that I had to walk each day? It was impossible. I finally gave up. I couldn't stay sane and and a Christian at the same time. Something had to give. I thought being sane was more important that being a Christian.
I've been poor all my life. Life has been a struggle. I don't know why it is that people can suffer all their lives and other people have it easy. It's not fair. I guess that's why Communism developed. It was supposed to make it fair for everybody but that didn't happen. I'm used to going without and doing without things. I do miss working. I wish I had a part time job or something. It's hard because I don't sleep at the same time every day. I can't commit to a job right now. I don't see how volunteering would be any easier since I can't commit to a regular schedule. It's difficult living within my limitations.
If my diabetes gets worse we may not be able to afford the insulin. I don't want to be in that position so I will take care of myself and take my medication. I hate exercise but I will start today and go to the gym where we have a membership. Diabetes is a scary disease and I dread what it will do to my body. I try to do everything that I am supposed to do to manage my blood sugar but finances make it hard.
The Middle East is such a volatile place. We need to get out of there. We can't solve the problems that have been there for hundreds of years. I hope Obama gets re-elected so he can oversee the withdrawal of troops from that region. The hatred of us has just gotten worse over the years. I don't think being there any longer will fix anything. We can't play World Policman anymore we can't afford it. North Korea looks like our next problem anyway.
I don't know how much more I can take. The doctor said my cholesterol was very high and put me on a medication. I don't want to have a stroke or heart attack. I feel like this in inevitable because of my family history. I wish I could afford more medical treatment but it's out of the question. I wish the government would simply live within its means the way I have to. I just don't think it's in the cards for me to live past my 50th birthday.
I wish I could work so we didn't have to worry about money. We live paycheck to paycheck and can't keep a savings. We are barely living on one income. It's hard because one disaster to set us back and we would end up on the street. My anxiety about this is hard to live with. I worry all the time about money and having enough to cover our expenses. It's hard because I have so much time on my hands I just worry alot about our finances. I don't know what to do to get rid of this anxiety. I think I will always have this as long as I cannot contribute to our budget.
Life is a struggle and not always fair. If we default we will survive but what kind of nation will we be? I don't want to go there. I don't want to see the financial disaster that will happen. I don't want to end up on the street or see anyone I love end up there. It's really hard to get through this week without thinking about the worse case scenario. I just don't know how to get through this week except to take it one day at a time and hope for the best.
I'm thankful that my husband has been able to work and keep us off the streets but I need to find a way to make a living somehow so we can build a savings. I just can't stand the stress of living the way we have to because I haven't been able to work. I have to do something to change our financial situation. I will research writing and getting a part time job doing something I don't know .
Just expressing some random thoughts and feelings as we go through this stressful week. I really hope things work out and we can go forward. It's hard because I can't see the future. Even if I could see the future could I change it? I don't think so.
I was shocked and saddened at what happened in Norway. I don't understand how such a nutball can grow in a country as benign as Norway. The horror this man caused just to make a point is terrifying. It reminded me of 9/11 and the bombing in Oklahoma. I just don't understand these fanatics who are bent on killing the innocent to make a point. I just don't comprehend it. It made me think about the existence of evil in people. People are going to be evil and do evil things and it's not going to make any sense. Evil people don't think they are doing evil. They justify it and try to defend their evil deeds. Hitler didn't think he was evil. Niether did Stalin. The insurgents who hanged an 8 year old boy didn't think they were evil. It boggles the mind. I've hurt people and at the time I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I thought I was defending myself or taking care of myself. I felt like a victim so I justified it. Dr. Phil said that some people have a warrior gene that makes then especially agressive and violent. This kind of behavior must perpetuate because it ensures survival. I don't know how else to explain how people can be so evil.
This year has turned out to be a bad one for the economy. We need the government to come together and work toward the greater good. I am still hopeful that Congress will work out a plan and avert disaster. We need to tough it out for the next ten years and the government has got to learn to live within its means and cut waste.The government has to change the way it works. It's going to be hard but I think a balanced budget amendment is needed. I think we need the amendment as a form of self policing to get the government to live within it's means. We also need to reform the tax code so that it is fair.
I feel like as time goes on I lose things that used to give me pleasure. I used to sleep deeply and through the night. Now I takes naps during the day. I feel like I've been awake all the time. It's a frustrating feeling. I am diabetic so I can't have any sugar. I used to like smoothies and Starbucks and chocolate but no more. I can't enjoy reading the way I used to since my last manic episode. It's hard because reading books was such a comfort to me. I took pleasure in going to church to worship God but now I don't believe in God. It's really hard trying to be positive when the things that used to give me pleasure are out of reach.
I used to hate myself for having a sinful nature. I felt like I was crucifying Jesus all over again with my sins. I used to try so hard to stay sinless and faithful to God. It was excruciating. I couldn't always keep from sinning. I had to many weaknesses. I couldn't keep up with God's expectations. How was I supposed to keep joyful and thankful with this tightrope that I had to walk each day? It was impossible. I finally gave up. I couldn't stay sane and and a Christian at the same time. Something had to give. I thought being sane was more important that being a Christian.
I've been poor all my life. Life has been a struggle. I don't know why it is that people can suffer all their lives and other people have it easy. It's not fair. I guess that's why Communism developed. It was supposed to make it fair for everybody but that didn't happen. I'm used to going without and doing without things. I do miss working. I wish I had a part time job or something. It's hard because I don't sleep at the same time every day. I can't commit to a job right now. I don't see how volunteering would be any easier since I can't commit to a regular schedule. It's difficult living within my limitations.
If my diabetes gets worse we may not be able to afford the insulin. I don't want to be in that position so I will take care of myself and take my medication. I hate exercise but I will start today and go to the gym where we have a membership. Diabetes is a scary disease and I dread what it will do to my body. I try to do everything that I am supposed to do to manage my blood sugar but finances make it hard.
The Middle East is such a volatile place. We need to get out of there. We can't solve the problems that have been there for hundreds of years. I hope Obama gets re-elected so he can oversee the withdrawal of troops from that region. The hatred of us has just gotten worse over the years. I don't think being there any longer will fix anything. We can't play World Policman anymore we can't afford it. North Korea looks like our next problem anyway.
I don't know how much more I can take. The doctor said my cholesterol was very high and put me on a medication. I don't want to have a stroke or heart attack. I feel like this in inevitable because of my family history. I wish I could afford more medical treatment but it's out of the question. I wish the government would simply live within its means the way I have to. I just don't think it's in the cards for me to live past my 50th birthday.
I wish I could work so we didn't have to worry about money. We live paycheck to paycheck and can't keep a savings. We are barely living on one income. It's hard because one disaster to set us back and we would end up on the street. My anxiety about this is hard to live with. I worry all the time about money and having enough to cover our expenses. It's hard because I have so much time on my hands I just worry alot about our finances. I don't know what to do to get rid of this anxiety. I think I will always have this as long as I cannot contribute to our budget.
Life is a struggle and not always fair. If we default we will survive but what kind of nation will we be? I don't want to go there. I don't want to see the financial disaster that will happen. I don't want to end up on the street or see anyone I love end up there. It's really hard to get through this week without thinking about the worse case scenario. I just don't know how to get through this week except to take it one day at a time and hope for the best.
I'm thankful that my husband has been able to work and keep us off the streets but I need to find a way to make a living somehow so we can build a savings. I just can't stand the stress of living the way we have to because I haven't been able to work. I have to do something to change our financial situation. I will research writing and getting a part time job doing something I don't know .
Just expressing some random thoughts and feelings as we go through this stressful week. I really hope things work out and we can go forward. It's hard because I can't see the future. Even if I could see the future could I change it? I don't think so.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Thoughts in the night
As I sit here in the night a lot of thoughts go through my mind. I think about my life so far and the lessons I have learned. Having insomnia means I think alot. I can't talk to anyone and I hate chatting online. I just have myself to entertain. I think that it's hard because I think of unpleasant moments in my life and I try to make sense of them. I have regrets and mistakes in my life that I wonder what would have happened if I did things differently. Like quitting my job. I probably should have just taken some time off and gotten my medication straightened out. I think I would have done better to keep working. I just think that my manic episode that I had in 1999 changed my brain so I couldn't do the job I used to do. I felt so overwhelmed. My psychiatrist was a hack and couldn't be trusted. I had to get a different doctor.
Time goes so slowly in the night after midnight. I have so much time on my hands. I don't like to watch movies because I don't want to wear out our DVD player and I also feel like I am wasting time if I watch alot of movies. That doesn't make sense but that's how I feel. I like to read but my attention span isn't what it was since my last manic episode. I am convinced that my brain was altered during my last manic episode. I just don't feel like the same person. I find it more difficult to read for long periods of time. I can't sleep at night. I feel like something changed in my
brain. I am certain of it. I can't afford to prove it but I feel that is what happened. My manic episode was so severe that it took me years to recover from it. I am trying to adjust to my new normal but it's hard sometimes. Not being able to have a consistent sleep schedule prevents me from having a regular job which is what I need. I just feel stuck sometimes with my limitations.
I think I have come to terms with my new normal. It's been hard but I am dealing with it. I think having a chronic illness means dealing with your limitations and not feeling guilty about it. I watch my husband work so hard to keep us afloat. Sometimes he hates his job. I just wish I could make money so he wouldn't have to stay in a job he hates and have the freedom to find work he likes. In this economy we need him to keep working and quitting is not an option. I worry what would happen if he lost his job or died. I don't think we'd last very long. It's a scary thought.
I have a major regret in not being able to finish college. I owe twenty thousand in student loans but I never graduated. I feel totally guilty for this. I feel like I let my parents down and let myself down. I tried really hard to finish but I couldn't because of my illness. It really hurts that I couldn't finish school. I could have been making so much more money and would have been financially secure if only I could have finished school. I tried really hard but I kept getting depressed. I couldn't finish classes it was really frustrating.
I really have changed my perspective since becoming an atheist. I don't guilt out about most things anymore. I feel better about myself. I take hardship easier . I try to enjoy my day and focus on the positive. I try to be thankful for my life and living each day one day at at time. Each day I try to be thankful for my overall physical health. I saw a doctor recently and she wants me to get some tests done. I'm anxious about this because I don't want to find out I have cancer or something that I can't afford to treat. I will get the tests done soon. I really try to see the positive and not worry so much about what I can't control. I look at other people's lives and how positive they are and I think I can take my struggles with a better attitude.
I think alot about life and death. My sister died four years ago and it really made me think about my life. She also had Bipolar Disorder and struggled with it all her life. She couldn't work and was on disabilty all of her adult life. I used to get frustrated with her because she kept struggling with her illness. I now have a different perspective because of my struggles. I now admire her for never giving up and always trying to get the most out of her life even with her struggles. It inspired me to take my medication and manage my illness so I could be happier in life. I admire her spunk and determination to live life to the fullest. I try not to give up on my day when I am depressed but it is hard. Sometimes I let my illness get the best of me and then I feel guilty. I feel so weak some days but then I think of my sister and and try to make a go of it.
I've been wondering lately why life can be so hard. Some people have it easy while others struggle all their lives. It's not fair. I don't understand it. As a Christian I tried to make sense of it but now I just try to survive life with a little joy. I don't understand where evil comes from. I don't know why people turn out evil and predatory. It's a real mystery to me. Life is so unfair. When I was denied disability for the third time I felt that keenly. I mean I cannot work a full time job. I might be able to work part time but that's a stretch. I just have so much trouble sleeping at regular times. I have tried to change my sleep shedule but nothing seems to work long term.
I used to feel so bad because my father didn't believe in me. He was so disappointed when I couldn't finish college. He never recognized the hard work I went into avoiding disabilty. I worked so hard because of him. I wanted him to be proud of me but he never was. Sometimes I feel relieved that he is dead so he would be around to disapprove of my life as it is. He thought I was lazy and stupid and couldn't take care of myself. I felt so guilty because of him. I just recently forgave my father for not being able to love me unconditionally. It was hard but I felt like I needed to do that to move on with my life. I also forgave my mother for not showing me her love growing up. I went through my childhood and youth feeling no love from my parents. I now see that for whatever reason they were unable to show me love the way I wanted them to. I now see that this doesnt reflect upon me and my self-worth. It took me a long time to come to that conclusion.
I spent so much of my life persuing happiness. It was a monumental effort because of my illness. I couldn't understand why I couldn't be happy most of the time. I felt like a failure. Why was it so easy for some people to work and raise a family? I wanted children at one point in my life but I realized that I would be prone to making the same mistake my parents made with me. Having a mental illness makes it hard to raise unaffected children. I have a friend whose mother was mentally ill and she is in her forties dealing with post traumatic stress disorder from her childhood. I didn't want that for any of my children. I decided that I have enough on my plate just staying out of the hospital and and staying alive through my illness. I don't mean to say that people with mental illnesses can't have children I just think that they need to be diligent about their illness so their children are not traumatised.
Since my sister died young I am concerned that I might die young too. We had similar health problems and I am experiencing things that she suffered from. Not sleeping, dental problems, heart problems. My doctor thought my heartbeat was irregular and suggested a test to examine that. I don't fear death as much as I used to when I was a Christian but I don't want to leave my husband alone. He is working hard to lose weight so he doesn't die young. I should try to do the same so I can live longer than my sister.I have lost 3 dress sizes in the last year but I still have alot to go.
The biggest fear I have is ending up alone and homeless unable to get medication and institutionalized for life. I need to find a way to make money somehow. Maybe I could work at home doing some writing. I would feel so much better if I could make money and build a rainy day savings. I will research that. Writing has become much more difficult for me to do since my last manic episode. It's hard writing for long periods of time. I will work at it since I have plenty of time on my hands. I just have a hard time believing that I could actually make money writing. It's worth a try though. I have nothing to lose.
I am finally ready to let go of my guilt and feelings of inadequacy. I want so much to feel good about myself. It's a struggle to feel like I matter to people. I want so much to be happy and content with my life and not worry so much about things I can't control. I finally get that what other people feel about me doesn't have to affect my feelings about myself. It's really taken a long time to understand that. I just get so tired beating myself up for things I can't control I can't help that I have a chronic illness. I can only manage my illness and make sure my health is good.
I just want this year to be the year I turn a corner and start living my life to the full like my sister. I want to find a way to make money and take care of my health with that extra money. I just want my life to be good. I want to have joy and contentment and productivity. Time and again I turn to writing to pass the time and feel better. Maybe that's my ticket away from a life of futility and depression.
Time goes so slowly in the night after midnight. I have so much time on my hands. I don't like to watch movies because I don't want to wear out our DVD player and I also feel like I am wasting time if I watch alot of movies. That doesn't make sense but that's how I feel. I like to read but my attention span isn't what it was since my last manic episode. I am convinced that my brain was altered during my last manic episode. I just don't feel like the same person. I find it more difficult to read for long periods of time. I can't sleep at night. I feel like something changed in my
brain. I am certain of it. I can't afford to prove it but I feel that is what happened. My manic episode was so severe that it took me years to recover from it. I am trying to adjust to my new normal but it's hard sometimes. Not being able to have a consistent sleep schedule prevents me from having a regular job which is what I need. I just feel stuck sometimes with my limitations.
I think I have come to terms with my new normal. It's been hard but I am dealing with it. I think having a chronic illness means dealing with your limitations and not feeling guilty about it. I watch my husband work so hard to keep us afloat. Sometimes he hates his job. I just wish I could make money so he wouldn't have to stay in a job he hates and have the freedom to find work he likes. In this economy we need him to keep working and quitting is not an option. I worry what would happen if he lost his job or died. I don't think we'd last very long. It's a scary thought.
I have a major regret in not being able to finish college. I owe twenty thousand in student loans but I never graduated. I feel totally guilty for this. I feel like I let my parents down and let myself down. I tried really hard to finish but I couldn't because of my illness. It really hurts that I couldn't finish school. I could have been making so much more money and would have been financially secure if only I could have finished school. I tried really hard but I kept getting depressed. I couldn't finish classes it was really frustrating.
I really have changed my perspective since becoming an atheist. I don't guilt out about most things anymore. I feel better about myself. I take hardship easier . I try to enjoy my day and focus on the positive. I try to be thankful for my life and living each day one day at at time. Each day I try to be thankful for my overall physical health. I saw a doctor recently and she wants me to get some tests done. I'm anxious about this because I don't want to find out I have cancer or something that I can't afford to treat. I will get the tests done soon. I really try to see the positive and not worry so much about what I can't control. I look at other people's lives and how positive they are and I think I can take my struggles with a better attitude.
I think alot about life and death. My sister died four years ago and it really made me think about my life. She also had Bipolar Disorder and struggled with it all her life. She couldn't work and was on disabilty all of her adult life. I used to get frustrated with her because she kept struggling with her illness. I now have a different perspective because of my struggles. I now admire her for never giving up and always trying to get the most out of her life even with her struggles. It inspired me to take my medication and manage my illness so I could be happier in life. I admire her spunk and determination to live life to the fullest. I try not to give up on my day when I am depressed but it is hard. Sometimes I let my illness get the best of me and then I feel guilty. I feel so weak some days but then I think of my sister and and try to make a go of it.
I've been wondering lately why life can be so hard. Some people have it easy while others struggle all their lives. It's not fair. I don't understand it. As a Christian I tried to make sense of it but now I just try to survive life with a little joy. I don't understand where evil comes from. I don't know why people turn out evil and predatory. It's a real mystery to me. Life is so unfair. When I was denied disability for the third time I felt that keenly. I mean I cannot work a full time job. I might be able to work part time but that's a stretch. I just have so much trouble sleeping at regular times. I have tried to change my sleep shedule but nothing seems to work long term.
I used to feel so bad because my father didn't believe in me. He was so disappointed when I couldn't finish college. He never recognized the hard work I went into avoiding disabilty. I worked so hard because of him. I wanted him to be proud of me but he never was. Sometimes I feel relieved that he is dead so he would be around to disapprove of my life as it is. He thought I was lazy and stupid and couldn't take care of myself. I felt so guilty because of him. I just recently forgave my father for not being able to love me unconditionally. It was hard but I felt like I needed to do that to move on with my life. I also forgave my mother for not showing me her love growing up. I went through my childhood and youth feeling no love from my parents. I now see that for whatever reason they were unable to show me love the way I wanted them to. I now see that this doesnt reflect upon me and my self-worth. It took me a long time to come to that conclusion.
I spent so much of my life persuing happiness. It was a monumental effort because of my illness. I couldn't understand why I couldn't be happy most of the time. I felt like a failure. Why was it so easy for some people to work and raise a family? I wanted children at one point in my life but I realized that I would be prone to making the same mistake my parents made with me. Having a mental illness makes it hard to raise unaffected children. I have a friend whose mother was mentally ill and she is in her forties dealing with post traumatic stress disorder from her childhood. I didn't want that for any of my children. I decided that I have enough on my plate just staying out of the hospital and and staying alive through my illness. I don't mean to say that people with mental illnesses can't have children I just think that they need to be diligent about their illness so their children are not traumatised.
Since my sister died young I am concerned that I might die young too. We had similar health problems and I am experiencing things that she suffered from. Not sleeping, dental problems, heart problems. My doctor thought my heartbeat was irregular and suggested a test to examine that. I don't fear death as much as I used to when I was a Christian but I don't want to leave my husband alone. He is working hard to lose weight so he doesn't die young. I should try to do the same so I can live longer than my sister.I have lost 3 dress sizes in the last year but I still have alot to go.
The biggest fear I have is ending up alone and homeless unable to get medication and institutionalized for life. I need to find a way to make money somehow. Maybe I could work at home doing some writing. I would feel so much better if I could make money and build a rainy day savings. I will research that. Writing has become much more difficult for me to do since my last manic episode. It's hard writing for long periods of time. I will work at it since I have plenty of time on my hands. I just have a hard time believing that I could actually make money writing. It's worth a try though. I have nothing to lose.
I am finally ready to let go of my guilt and feelings of inadequacy. I want so much to feel good about myself. It's a struggle to feel like I matter to people. I want so much to be happy and content with my life and not worry so much about things I can't control. I finally get that what other people feel about me doesn't have to affect my feelings about myself. It's really taken a long time to understand that. I just get so tired beating myself up for things I can't control I can't help that I have a chronic illness. I can only manage my illness and make sure my health is good.
I just want this year to be the year I turn a corner and start living my life to the full like my sister. I want to find a way to make money and take care of my health with that extra money. I just want my life to be good. I want to have joy and contentment and productivity. Time and again I turn to writing to pass the time and feel better. Maybe that's my ticket away from a life of futility and depression.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Random Thoughts Part Two
It's been a while since I have felt like writing. I have been in a depression. I got into the habit of sleeping during the day. I stay up at night and sleep during the day. I just spend the day in bed until around 3:00 in the afternoon. I couldn't tell you when I started doing this. It's been at least a couple of years. I started having trouble sleeping about 7 years ago after my last manic episode. At first I thought I was getting manic but that wasn't the case. I was sleeping ok when we were living on Olive street. When we moved to Glendale that's when I started staying up at night. It's hard because I don't feel sleepy and I don't know when to go to bed. Sometimes I go just go to bed out of boredom. I sleep probably 2-4 hours a day. It's hard to calculate because I sleep in two hour intervals. I'm awake most of the time. I don't feel sleep deprived though. It's hard because I feel awake most of the time and I don't feel like I get enough rest. It's hard psychologically because I feel awake all of the time.
I try really hard to get sleep because I don't want to go manic again. I tried a sleeping pill but it made me sleep walk which scared me. I wish I could change the way I sleep but I don't know what to do. I have a light box but I am afraid to use it because I don't want to end up manic. When my husband has a day off I sleep in the morning and try to get up by noon. That way we still have the day to do stuff. The rest of of the week I stay in bed until 3 pm or so. I really want to get out of this habit. I don't want to waste the day lying in bed. Some days I'm so depressed I can't get out of bed until 5 o'clock. During my manic episode my brain got rewired and I can't sleep through the night anymore. I can't prove that but that's what I feel happened. I just can't afford to see a specialist to find out what's wrong. It's been this way for at least six years. I just don't feel normal. I can't get the kind of rest that most people get. I'm always thinking that one day I'll go manic because I'm not getting enough sleep. That's my main concern is what shape is my brain in. I just don't think it is operating within normal perameters.
It's so lonely at night and early in the morning. I can't talk to anyone. I tried chatting on the computer but I couldn't understand the lingo people were using. It was really frustrating too. I gave up on it after a few tries. I can't call anyone. I can use Twitter which is fun but nobody is reading my tweets at such an early hour. For some reason I don't like to watch movies late at night. It makes me feel even more lonely.Sometimes I just go to bed and lay there for a few hours. I just get so bored sometimes. Writing helps or reading a book. It's so damn quiet. I hate it. It reminds me that I am alone in this world. That I cannot stop things from happening. I just feel so alone late at night.
When I was growing up I spent alot of time alone. I was lonely but then I would talk to God. I prayed and read alot. Now that I am an atheist I feel lonley alot of the time. Reading is difficult because my attention span is short. Another thing that happened after my manic episode. I used to read alot but I find myself having a hard time reading for a long period of time now. I joined a book club but quit when I found that I had a hard time reading the books. I'm angry about this because I used to read alot. I feel sad about it because I feel a real pleasure in my life has been taken away from me.
It's hard for me to be happy. I try to be content instead. It's hard finding pleasure in things. I like to eat good food. I still like to read. I like making jewelry. I like going places. I just have a hard time getting motivated to leave my apartment sometimes. Sometimes my mood is so dark I have to make a consious decision not to try to kill myself.I really want to change the way I think but it's hard to do sometimes.
When I was a Christian I forced myself to do alot of things. I forced myself to go to work. I forced myself to go to school. I forced myself to go to church. I forced myself to be happy and joyful. I was miserable. I felt I had to deny myself in order to please God and be happy. It was torture. Working was a real challenge but I felt that I had no choice. I didn't think we could afford to live on one income. If I knew that I would have such a hard time getting disability I would not have quit my job. I just thought I could get on disability.
Being an atheist has changed the way I see the world. I have less anxiety and guilt. I also have better self-esteem. I no longer feel like a failure. I still have some anxiety about the future but not as bad as when I was a Christian. I also feel the need to live in the moment and not look forward to a heaven that doesn't exist. I used to suffer in anticpation of heaven. Now I try to find pleasure in the present and not try to wait for an eternity that doesn't exist.
I really wish I could solve my sleep problems. I feel like if I could sleep at night I could get a job. I wish I could work. If I had even a part time job we could afford a car. Not having a car limits so much of what we can do. It's really hard getting groceries or traveling on vacation. I would feel better about my sleep if I knew exactly how much sleep I was getting. Maybe I would spend so much time in bed during the day.
Life is so challenging. I try to stay positive but it is very difficult. I feel like I let my fears control my actions. The fact that I can't always control what happens in my life gives me much anxiety. I feel like I have to brace myself for unknown problems. Anything could happen so I worry. Life is short so I want to enjoy more of it. I also want to find a way to make money so that we can have a better quality of life. It's a real challenge living life and enjoying it.
I try really hard to get sleep because I don't want to go manic again. I tried a sleeping pill but it made me sleep walk which scared me. I wish I could change the way I sleep but I don't know what to do. I have a light box but I am afraid to use it because I don't want to end up manic. When my husband has a day off I sleep in the morning and try to get up by noon. That way we still have the day to do stuff. The rest of of the week I stay in bed until 3 pm or so. I really want to get out of this habit. I don't want to waste the day lying in bed. Some days I'm so depressed I can't get out of bed until 5 o'clock. During my manic episode my brain got rewired and I can't sleep through the night anymore. I can't prove that but that's what I feel happened. I just can't afford to see a specialist to find out what's wrong. It's been this way for at least six years. I just don't feel normal. I can't get the kind of rest that most people get. I'm always thinking that one day I'll go manic because I'm not getting enough sleep. That's my main concern is what shape is my brain in. I just don't think it is operating within normal perameters.
It's so lonely at night and early in the morning. I can't talk to anyone. I tried chatting on the computer but I couldn't understand the lingo people were using. It was really frustrating too. I gave up on it after a few tries. I can't call anyone. I can use Twitter which is fun but nobody is reading my tweets at such an early hour. For some reason I don't like to watch movies late at night. It makes me feel even more lonely.Sometimes I just go to bed and lay there for a few hours. I just get so bored sometimes. Writing helps or reading a book. It's so damn quiet. I hate it. It reminds me that I am alone in this world. That I cannot stop things from happening. I just feel so alone late at night.
When I was growing up I spent alot of time alone. I was lonely but then I would talk to God. I prayed and read alot. Now that I am an atheist I feel lonley alot of the time. Reading is difficult because my attention span is short. Another thing that happened after my manic episode. I used to read alot but I find myself having a hard time reading for a long period of time now. I joined a book club but quit when I found that I had a hard time reading the books. I'm angry about this because I used to read alot. I feel sad about it because I feel a real pleasure in my life has been taken away from me.
It's hard for me to be happy. I try to be content instead. It's hard finding pleasure in things. I like to eat good food. I still like to read. I like making jewelry. I like going places. I just have a hard time getting motivated to leave my apartment sometimes. Sometimes my mood is so dark I have to make a consious decision not to try to kill myself.I really want to change the way I think but it's hard to do sometimes.
When I was a Christian I forced myself to do alot of things. I forced myself to go to work. I forced myself to go to school. I forced myself to go to church. I forced myself to be happy and joyful. I was miserable. I felt I had to deny myself in order to please God and be happy. It was torture. Working was a real challenge but I felt that I had no choice. I didn't think we could afford to live on one income. If I knew that I would have such a hard time getting disability I would not have quit my job. I just thought I could get on disability.
Being an atheist has changed the way I see the world. I have less anxiety and guilt. I also have better self-esteem. I no longer feel like a failure. I still have some anxiety about the future but not as bad as when I was a Christian. I also feel the need to live in the moment and not look forward to a heaven that doesn't exist. I used to suffer in anticpation of heaven. Now I try to find pleasure in the present and not try to wait for an eternity that doesn't exist.
I really wish I could solve my sleep problems. I feel like if I could sleep at night I could get a job. I wish I could work. If I had even a part time job we could afford a car. Not having a car limits so much of what we can do. It's really hard getting groceries or traveling on vacation. I would feel better about my sleep if I knew exactly how much sleep I was getting. Maybe I would spend so much time in bed during the day.
Life is so challenging. I try to stay positive but it is very difficult. I feel like I let my fears control my actions. The fact that I can't always control what happens in my life gives me much anxiety. I feel like I have to brace myself for unknown problems. Anything could happen so I worry. Life is short so I want to enjoy more of it. I also want to find a way to make money so that we can have a better quality of life. It's a real challenge living life and enjoying it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
