I was a Christian from the time I was nine years old until my forties. I always found comfort in my relationship with God throughout my life. In 2007 I left the church I had been attending for 20 years and didn't go to another church. My love for God diminished over the year I was away from my church. I struggled with the idea of divine intelligence. How could a God who is perfect create and expect imperfect beings to follow him perfectly? I was burnt out on the works-oriented doctrine that my church tought. I had a hard time explaining to people in my church how having a mental illness meant that I couldn't always do the things I was expected as a disciple of Jesus. I had to take medication to stablilize my mental and emotional health. Leaders in the church told my sister who also struggled with mental illness not to take her medication. They said we should rely on God. They didn't trust pschology or psychiatry. It was very damaging to hear that. I insisted on taking my medicaion because I knew if I didn't I would end up in the hospital.
I kept hearing from leaders " you need to be a disciple" and deny yourself and make sure you are doing everying as a disciple. I tried but I failed alot especially if I was clinically depressed. When I was manic I was the life of the party and totally able to do everything expected of me. Most of the time I struggled with Bipolar Depression. I had a hard time reading my Bible and sharing my faith. I would stay in bed during the day and hide from God and everyone else. I was angry at God for having Bipolar Disorder. I felt like a spiritual loser. I wasn't like very much by some members who couldn't understand my illness. When I was manic I was lifted up as a radical disciple. It really bothered me that this church rewarded a symptom of a mental illnes.
After I was diagnosed I was so full of guilt and self-loathing. I felt that I was a disppointment to God. I felt like it was impossible for me to be a good disciple. That made me angry because I knew I couldn't help being weak at times because of my illness. When I had my last manic episode I experienced powerful delusions of God talking to me, angels, and demons. I was totally broken from reality during a two week period in 2004. I was hypersexual and had fantasies and was in love with my male therapist. I thought we were married. It was very scary.
After I left the hospital I experienced severe depression. I was suicidal and completely depressed. I felt so guilty for the hypersexuality I felt . I felt as if I had cheated on my husband .I felt worthless as a wife and asked my husband for a divorce. We were struggling to keep our apartment and my husband lost two jobs in six months. I applied at school and got a student loan that I used to pay rent. I became severely depressed shortly after I started going to class and dropped out. My loan was added to my other student loan debt.
I prayed to God that I wouldn't have another manic episode after my episode in 1999. I was so sure God had answered my prayer. I was going to finish my degree and become a writer. I was so happy and then it happened again. I was so hurt and angry at God for not answereing my prayer. I was devestated by my depression after my manic episode. I gradually began to lose my love for God and Jesus. I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped praying because I felt it was a waste of time.
I began to read on the internet about sites that said Jesus didn't exist. I thouight about that. If I coudn't be perfect no matterwhat I didn then how can Jesus be perfect. I doubted that the Bible was the word of God. I doubted the Holy Spirit because when I was depressed I couldn't always feel His presence. My emotions were raw and vulnerable. I decided that God did not exist and that Jesus was just the figment of a bunch of men's imagination.
Over the next five years I missed praying and having a relationship with God. I had trouble with anxiety and fear. I felt like I was given over to the elements and exposed to every bad thing that could happend to me. I was very anxious. Over time I realized that the church I went to for twenty years didn't teach much about grace or the Holy Spirit. I studied those things out and realized that with grace and the Holy Spirit I could be a Christian. I renewed my faith in Jesus and God's perfect son sent to Earth to rid us of all our sin through his suffering on the Cross.
My anxiety disappeared and I felt more hopeful about my life. I realize that I need God in my life and that I need to have Him lead me in my life. I feel that I have to relearn things about God that I was tought wrong or didn't know in the religious system of my former church. I am going to go to my mother's church so that I could encourage her in her life and help her out when I can. I am feeling new and rejuvinized.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Recovering
It was 2004 and I was happy. I was planning on going to school for another year and finishing my degree in English Writing. I was losing weight and felt good about myself. I don't remember if I was on medication or not. I don't believe I was. My husband had been out of work for a year and we couldn't afford health insurance. We lost the house and foreclosed. At the last minute my husband got a job at RTD as a bus driver. We moved out and into a duplex that was owned by one of the members of our church. He was good enough to let us live there for 800 dollars a month for a two bedroom apartment. Since we had the foreclosure we had bad credit and couldn't find another place to live so we agreed to live there. We lived there for a year and a half before moving to Glendale where we live now.
The good feelings I was having intensified in June. I was seeing a counselor and started medication. I was taking Depakote and Wellbutrin. The Depakote wreaked havoc with my menstrual periods and the Wellbutrin gave me insomnia but I was stable; so I thought. I started to feel better and better and everything seemed to be going great. I started focusing on my counseler who was a young male in his thirties. We had good sessions. I felt good because finally I had a sympathetic ear to my struggles with depression. I slowly began to have a delusion about my counselor. I thought we should be together and that it was God's will. I kept my thoughts to myself. The last week of June things got out of hand.
I had a delusion that I was married by God to my counselor. I began having sexual fantasies about a person who was invisible and was talking to me through my mind. I began hearing voices and thought that God was talking to me. I had the delusion that I was spiritually married to my counselor and that God was talking to me. I had a breakdown in the Brown Palace Hotel where I felt God was leading me to. I ended up in the hospital but was released that night. My poor husband had a scare where the police stormed the apartment believing that he had a gun because I had a delusion that he was going to kill himself. It scared him shitless. He told me later after I got out of the hospital. I felt so bad to have put him in that position.
I spent two weeks in the hospital. At first I was really delusional and had to be in lock down. I couldn't go to the bathroom and peed on the floor. I tried to escape and was caught so they locked me in a room for a couple of days. It was really bad. I was delusional and hypersexual and really combative. They gave me Lithium and Haldol the whole time I was there. Then they released me after a week. I was still sick, though. I was delusional again and my husband called the police again and I went into the hospital. I spent a total of two weeks in the hospital. I was discharged but I still was hearing voices. I didn't understand why they were releasing me. I was on Lithium, Haldol, and Resperdol.
I came home and was really scared because I was still hearing voices and seeing things. I stayed home and tried to stay safe. I didn't want to go back to the hospital. The Resperdol kicked in and the voices and hallucinations went away after a few days. After that I began to be very depressed. I wanted to die. I was suicidal but I didn't want to go to the hospital so I stayed in bed all day. I don't remember much of 2005 and 2006. I was so depressed. I layed in bed all day and stayed up at night. When I was in the hospital I couldn't sleep even with all the meds I had in my system. A couple of times I went to the ER because I thought I was having another manic attact because I couldn't sleep. I realized later that my biological clock had been altered and I stayed up mainly at night.
I sought treatment form a mental health center but they rejected me because I had been in the hospital. I was so frustrated about this. I found a private psychiatrist but she was expensive. We paid her fee so I could get the medications I needed. She referred me to a center where they charged less money and I have been going there for the last seven years. I have been on Lithium and Haldol and medication for my thyroid.
The mental health system in the country is broken. It's almost impossible to get disability even if you need it. I applied three times and was rejected all three times. The last time I used a lawyer and was rejected. It's tough. Mental health centers are more concerned with liability than treating patients. If you have no money and no insurance you will go untreated and end up homeless if you have no family or friends to help you out or to stay with while you try to get help from the State. People fall through the cracks all the time.
It's been a real struggle living on one income. My husband has been under pressure since he is the sole breadwinner. He is now unemployed and we are living on savings. I am working with Vocational Rehabilitation to find a job. I feel better now and I think I can hold down at least a part time job.My husband is under tremendous pressure as our money runs out for bills. We have no health insurance so my medication costs more. I need to be on my medication no matter what. I can't afford to be in the hospital at all.
I had two goals the last eight years. Stay alive and stay out of the hospital. We had to file bankruptcy so we couldn't pay a big medical bill. I have learned to cope with my depression but honestly I couldn't hold down a job even if I wanted to. The medications I take keep me out of the hospital but they don't take away the symptoms completely. I still have bad days but I think I can be consistent enough to hold down a job. I might have to work at night because I just don't sleep at night. Holding down a day job would be a challenge. I need regular sleep to keep from going manic.
Back in 1993 I was newly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I didn't have a place to live or a job. My father let me live in one of his rentals for free. I was getting used to my medication and having depressions. I was on food stamps and trying to learn to work and keep a job. I feel like I am right back in that situation again. I feel like I am in survival mode. I need to stand up for myself and make sure I get the help I need to find a job. I need to work on my writing and try to teach myself a skill. It's really hard right now. With both me and my husband out of work in such a bad economy one's worst fears get's a hold of one. I hope to be working by October and I hope my husband will be working too. I want to stay positive and hopeful. I got through 1993 and I can get through 2012 too.
The good feelings I was having intensified in June. I was seeing a counselor and started medication. I was taking Depakote and Wellbutrin. The Depakote wreaked havoc with my menstrual periods and the Wellbutrin gave me insomnia but I was stable; so I thought. I started to feel better and better and everything seemed to be going great. I started focusing on my counseler who was a young male in his thirties. We had good sessions. I felt good because finally I had a sympathetic ear to my struggles with depression. I slowly began to have a delusion about my counselor. I thought we should be together and that it was God's will. I kept my thoughts to myself. The last week of June things got out of hand.
I had a delusion that I was married by God to my counselor. I began having sexual fantasies about a person who was invisible and was talking to me through my mind. I began hearing voices and thought that God was talking to me. I had the delusion that I was spiritually married to my counselor and that God was talking to me. I had a breakdown in the Brown Palace Hotel where I felt God was leading me to. I ended up in the hospital but was released that night. My poor husband had a scare where the police stormed the apartment believing that he had a gun because I had a delusion that he was going to kill himself. It scared him shitless. He told me later after I got out of the hospital. I felt so bad to have put him in that position.
I spent two weeks in the hospital. At first I was really delusional and had to be in lock down. I couldn't go to the bathroom and peed on the floor. I tried to escape and was caught so they locked me in a room for a couple of days. It was really bad. I was delusional and hypersexual and really combative. They gave me Lithium and Haldol the whole time I was there. Then they released me after a week. I was still sick, though. I was delusional again and my husband called the police again and I went into the hospital. I spent a total of two weeks in the hospital. I was discharged but I still was hearing voices. I didn't understand why they were releasing me. I was on Lithium, Haldol, and Resperdol.
I came home and was really scared because I was still hearing voices and seeing things. I stayed home and tried to stay safe. I didn't want to go back to the hospital. The Resperdol kicked in and the voices and hallucinations went away after a few days. After that I began to be very depressed. I wanted to die. I was suicidal but I didn't want to go to the hospital so I stayed in bed all day. I don't remember much of 2005 and 2006. I was so depressed. I layed in bed all day and stayed up at night. When I was in the hospital I couldn't sleep even with all the meds I had in my system. A couple of times I went to the ER because I thought I was having another manic attact because I couldn't sleep. I realized later that my biological clock had been altered and I stayed up mainly at night.
I sought treatment form a mental health center but they rejected me because I had been in the hospital. I was so frustrated about this. I found a private psychiatrist but she was expensive. We paid her fee so I could get the medications I needed. She referred me to a center where they charged less money and I have been going there for the last seven years. I have been on Lithium and Haldol and medication for my thyroid.
The mental health system in the country is broken. It's almost impossible to get disability even if you need it. I applied three times and was rejected all three times. The last time I used a lawyer and was rejected. It's tough. Mental health centers are more concerned with liability than treating patients. If you have no money and no insurance you will go untreated and end up homeless if you have no family or friends to help you out or to stay with while you try to get help from the State. People fall through the cracks all the time.
It's been a real struggle living on one income. My husband has been under pressure since he is the sole breadwinner. He is now unemployed and we are living on savings. I am working with Vocational Rehabilitation to find a job. I feel better now and I think I can hold down at least a part time job.My husband is under tremendous pressure as our money runs out for bills. We have no health insurance so my medication costs more. I need to be on my medication no matter what. I can't afford to be in the hospital at all.
I had two goals the last eight years. Stay alive and stay out of the hospital. We had to file bankruptcy so we couldn't pay a big medical bill. I have learned to cope with my depression but honestly I couldn't hold down a job even if I wanted to. The medications I take keep me out of the hospital but they don't take away the symptoms completely. I still have bad days but I think I can be consistent enough to hold down a job. I might have to work at night because I just don't sleep at night. Holding down a day job would be a challenge. I need regular sleep to keep from going manic.
Back in 1993 I was newly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I didn't have a place to live or a job. My father let me live in one of his rentals for free. I was getting used to my medication and having depressions. I was on food stamps and trying to learn to work and keep a job. I feel like I am right back in that situation again. I feel like I am in survival mode. I need to stand up for myself and make sure I get the help I need to find a job. I need to work on my writing and try to teach myself a skill. It's really hard right now. With both me and my husband out of work in such a bad economy one's worst fears get's a hold of one. I hope to be working by October and I hope my husband will be working too. I want to stay positive and hopeful. I got through 1993 and I can get through 2012 too.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Losing Faith
From the cradle I believed in God. I went to Sunday school and church all my life. The first time my faith in God gave me true comfort was at the age of nine. I was lonely I didn't have any friends I was by myself alot. Praying was a comfort for me. I prayed alot. I got into the habit of praying incessantly. I thought about God constantly. I desperately wanted to be baptized although I was in a Presbyterian church that didn't preach baptism for salvation. I read the Bible cover to cover when I was twelve years old. I loved Jesus. He was my best friend.
As I grew into my teens I became more and more involved with God. We switched membership to a Baptist church. My mother felt that I should have friendships with Black kids. She also felt like I needed to be involved in a youth program There was one at the Presbyterian church but she felt it was inadequate. She had other reasons but I don't remember them right now. As a teen I learned about baptism and wanted to be baptized but I was a little embarrassed to ask. I read my Bible and found comfort in my faith. I didn't have any friends even though I was involved in the youth group. My interests in music and books was labeled "white" and I couldn't relate to the kids in the youth group. This drove me to have an intense desire to have a relationship with God especially Jesus.
I was in love with Jesus. I wanted to be like Him. I wanted a genuine relationship with Him. My senior year in high school we went back to the Presbyterian Church. I don't recall why. People at the Baptist church gossipped alot and were difficult. My mother sensed that I didn't fit in at the youth group.I didn't fit in with the Presbyterian youth group either because I had been away for four years and didn't have friendships with the kids who were ready to go to college. This lack of fitting in intensified my desire to be close to God.
My relationship with my parents was estranged during my teen years. I didn't feel that they loved me. I felt like a burden to them. I felt like I was a disappointment to my father. I think this contributed to my desire to find acceptance from God. I wanted to be baptized but I didn't know where to go or who to ask. I wanted to obey the Bible and have an authentic relationship with God. When I got to college my sister asked me if I wanted to visit her church. I went and was impressed. I liked the singing and fellowship and the sermon and they believed in baptism. I went to a campus Bible talk and was further impressed with the teaching and the enthusiasm of the members.
I thought I had found the perfect place to be as a Christian. I studied the Bible and was baptised. I was ecstactic. I was happy and content. I loved the church, the people, and the teaching. I was fiercely loyal to the fellowship and wanted nothing more than to be an active member.
I started struggling with depression and couldn't understand why I wasn't happy any more. I continued to get worse and became suicidal. After I burned my apartment down in a suicide attempt I felt far from God. I felt like a spiritual loser. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. This confused me. How can I please God anymore? I can't always be joyful. I have to take medication to stay emotionally stable. I didn't understand about God's grace. Grace wasn't taught at my church. It was a works-oriented doctrine where one needed to attain perfection on one's own to prove acceptance from God. People failed to understand my struggles. The didn't understand why I had to take medication and not just rely on God for my emotional health.
After twenty years I questioned my involvement with my church. The doctrine being taught was unforgiving and incompatible with my struggles as a person with a mental illness. I felt constant guilt,shame,condemnation,dread,and unhappiness because I couldn't please God the way I was taught. The last manic episode I had was esepcially intense. I had delusions that were scary and powerful and full of things that I couldn't understand.
I felt that for my mental health to recover I needed to leave my church. I still had faith in God. I still wanted to please Him. I felt like God was like my father in that I disappoined Him and couldn't please him. The more I read the Bible on my own the less love I felt for God. I lost my love for God over the year after I left the church. The main question was why would a perfect God create imperfect beings and expect them to behave perfectly all the time with no grace?
Arguements that Jesus never existed and that God doesn't exist piqued my interest. After reading on the internet and interacting with former members of my church my faith in God slipped away. I lost my faith after a year out of the church I was attending. The energy I spent following God was so intense I believe I became spiritually exhausted. I was burned out. I couldn't maintain my faith anymore. I didn't have any energy to support it anymore. I greived over this decision. I was so depressed I could barely function. I spent a year in bed. I was full of anxiety and fear. I dreamed about demons and hell. I thought I was going to be punished because I didn't believe in God anymore.
I don't fully undestand why I lost my faith. I feel like I lost it rather than deciding because the love and affection I had for God was gone. I just didn't love God anymore. I didn't believe in Him anymore. That was sad but I feel I lost my faith to retain my sanity. I couldn't be sane and a Christian at the same time. I couldn't support my faith anymore without letting go of my sanity. I have been delusional and insane and it's the scariest thing I have ever experienced. I couldn't give up my sanity.
I'm open to believing in God again but righ now I do not. Maybe over time I will heal enough to believe in God but I doubt it will be the God of the Bible. I still belive in spirits and ghosts and maybe even angels. I believe people have a soul and a spirit. The spirit dies with them but the soul lives on to inhabit another being. I don't consider myself Hindu or Buddhist. I like meat too much.
As I grew into my teens I became more and more involved with God. We switched membership to a Baptist church. My mother felt that I should have friendships with Black kids. She also felt like I needed to be involved in a youth program There was one at the Presbyterian church but she felt it was inadequate. She had other reasons but I don't remember them right now. As a teen I learned about baptism and wanted to be baptized but I was a little embarrassed to ask. I read my Bible and found comfort in my faith. I didn't have any friends even though I was involved in the youth group. My interests in music and books was labeled "white" and I couldn't relate to the kids in the youth group. This drove me to have an intense desire to have a relationship with God especially Jesus.
I was in love with Jesus. I wanted to be like Him. I wanted a genuine relationship with Him. My senior year in high school we went back to the Presbyterian Church. I don't recall why. People at the Baptist church gossipped alot and were difficult. My mother sensed that I didn't fit in at the youth group.I didn't fit in with the Presbyterian youth group either because I had been away for four years and didn't have friendships with the kids who were ready to go to college. This lack of fitting in intensified my desire to be close to God.
My relationship with my parents was estranged during my teen years. I didn't feel that they loved me. I felt like a burden to them. I felt like I was a disappointment to my father. I think this contributed to my desire to find acceptance from God. I wanted to be baptized but I didn't know where to go or who to ask. I wanted to obey the Bible and have an authentic relationship with God. When I got to college my sister asked me if I wanted to visit her church. I went and was impressed. I liked the singing and fellowship and the sermon and they believed in baptism. I went to a campus Bible talk and was further impressed with the teaching and the enthusiasm of the members.
I thought I had found the perfect place to be as a Christian. I studied the Bible and was baptised. I was ecstactic. I was happy and content. I loved the church, the people, and the teaching. I was fiercely loyal to the fellowship and wanted nothing more than to be an active member.
I started struggling with depression and couldn't understand why I wasn't happy any more. I continued to get worse and became suicidal. After I burned my apartment down in a suicide attempt I felt far from God. I felt like a spiritual loser. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. This confused me. How can I please God anymore? I can't always be joyful. I have to take medication to stay emotionally stable. I didn't understand about God's grace. Grace wasn't taught at my church. It was a works-oriented doctrine where one needed to attain perfection on one's own to prove acceptance from God. People failed to understand my struggles. The didn't understand why I had to take medication and not just rely on God for my emotional health.
After twenty years I questioned my involvement with my church. The doctrine being taught was unforgiving and incompatible with my struggles as a person with a mental illness. I felt constant guilt,shame,condemnation,dread,and unhappiness because I couldn't please God the way I was taught. The last manic episode I had was esepcially intense. I had delusions that were scary and powerful and full of things that I couldn't understand.
I felt that for my mental health to recover I needed to leave my church. I still had faith in God. I still wanted to please Him. I felt like God was like my father in that I disappoined Him and couldn't please him. The more I read the Bible on my own the less love I felt for God. I lost my love for God over the year after I left the church. The main question was why would a perfect God create imperfect beings and expect them to behave perfectly all the time with no grace?
Arguements that Jesus never existed and that God doesn't exist piqued my interest. After reading on the internet and interacting with former members of my church my faith in God slipped away. I lost my faith after a year out of the church I was attending. The energy I spent following God was so intense I believe I became spiritually exhausted. I was burned out. I couldn't maintain my faith anymore. I didn't have any energy to support it anymore. I greived over this decision. I was so depressed I could barely function. I spent a year in bed. I was full of anxiety and fear. I dreamed about demons and hell. I thought I was going to be punished because I didn't believe in God anymore.
I don't fully undestand why I lost my faith. I feel like I lost it rather than deciding because the love and affection I had for God was gone. I just didn't love God anymore. I didn't believe in Him anymore. That was sad but I feel I lost my faith to retain my sanity. I couldn't be sane and a Christian at the same time. I couldn't support my faith anymore without letting go of my sanity. I have been delusional and insane and it's the scariest thing I have ever experienced. I couldn't give up my sanity.
I'm open to believing in God again but righ now I do not. Maybe over time I will heal enough to believe in God but I doubt it will be the God of the Bible. I still belive in spirits and ghosts and maybe even angels. I believe people have a soul and a spirit. The spirit dies with them but the soul lives on to inhabit another being. I don't consider myself Hindu or Buddhist. I like meat too much.
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