Saturday, November 5, 2011

What have I been doing for the last eleven years

I really need to change how I think about myself. When I quit my job I felt so useless. I couldn't work. I was really discouraged. I thought that if I couldn't work I could at least finish my degree. I went to school for a year. I tried really hard but it was impossible for me to go to school full time because of my illness. I would get depressed and would be unable to finish classes. I really got discouraged then. It was hard. I wanted to be productive. I wanted to feel the kind of satisfaction I got from working. I was contributing to the household. I was trying to work on a career. I wanted to be a customer service supervisor one day. The company I worked for was really good. I felt good about myself. My illness however was hard to control. I went to work depressed and didn't do very well. It was hard sometimes to go to work but I felt like I had to because we couldn't live on one income. I felt that at least I could get on disabilty. When that fell through I felt angry. I felt like I was being laughed at by the state government. That I was lying about my disability. I really couldn't work. I tried to work from home. It was impossible. I felt like I was not taken seriously by the judge. It was very frustrating. We had to file bankruptsy to get rid of debt from the house we lost. It was just hard to feel good about myself. I felt useless and a burdent. I felt bad because my husband was facing alot of pressure to get a job and support us. I felt like I had failed in life. It was hard. I had to understand that I was in recovery from my illness and that I needed time to get back to being productive.

For a while I gave up and just existed in time. I didn't try to do anything. I just layed in bed and waited to die. I felt so alone and depressed. It was hard explaining to people what I did all day. I would feel ashamed of myself like I had done something wrong.I felt so ashamed of myself. I hated myself. I used to enjoy reading and writing but I stopped. It was so hard to do those things because it took so much effort and attention. After my manic episode in July of 2004 I felt like a different person. I felt like my brain had been rewired. I couldn't sleep at night. I couldn't read for long periods of time. I felt extremely depressed. I felt like the color had seeped out of my life. I felt useless and a burden to my husband. It was a really hard and long period of depression for me. I had to come to grips with my disability. I had to see that even though I couldn't prove to a judge that I was disabled the fact remained that I was disabled and couldn't go to work or to school. I had to forgive myself for being unable to do things like write and read books. I just couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I felt so badly about myself.

I just felt like I was wasting time. I was just squandering each day. I coudn't be productive I couldn't work and that made me feel sad and unwanted. I just felt like I was occupying space and not doing my fair share. I felt guilty for watching television and movies. I felt like I was wasting time. I felt like each day was a chore. Not sleeping at night made me feel even more lonely because I couldn't talk to anyone. I used to find comfort in sleep. I used to sleep deeply but now I do not. I'm a lighter sleeper. I don't sleep that much anymore. It's hard living with the limitations of my illness. I often would feel guilty because I couldn't work or volunteer. I tried volunteering but I wasn't always feeling good enough to go on a consistent basis. I felt like a huge failure. I didn't like myself. I felt stupid and lazy. I felt guilty for sleeping during the day. It was hard to get up and take a shower. I felt so alone and useless.

I haven't had a purpose in my life. When I was a Christian my purpose was getting close to God and converting people to God. That was my purpose. Not having a purpose is hard because I don't have a reason to get out of bed. I don't have a job so I don't have a reason to get dressed and get out of the house. We have a tight budget so I can't spend alot of money going out to lunch or getting coffee every day.I feel like I had to mourn the loss of my faith and church. I felt like I needed to rethink how I thought about myself. I think of Emily Dickenson who wrote poetry for her own fulfillment and didn't get any recognition for her writing until after she died. Noone knew of her talents while she was living. She lived her life and died without any acknowlegement of her writing. She wrote for herself. She did it because it gave her fulfillment. She didn't earn a penny. She was totally dependant on her father for her livelihood. I need to find something to do that gives me fulfillment too.

I have had a really hard time accepting the limitations of my illness. It's been a challenge to keep from hating myself because of my limitations. I need to be more patient with myself and realize that I can do things but just not at the pace I used to. I'm really hard on myself. I have a hard time understanding that I can't control my illness. All I can do is take medication and live around the habits of my illness. I am really bad at forgiving myself. I feel so harsh towards myself sometimes.

When I was living in my dad's house I didn't have a television. He offered to buy one for me but I told him no. I felt like if I had a tv he would think that I was watching it all day. I felt like tv was a waste of time. I felt like writing or drawing or reading a book was a better use of my time. I guess that's why I don't watch as much tv during the day. I want to feel productive. I do find myself watching tv in the morning. I like watching the news shows. By one o'clock I feel sleepy and go to bed. My husband comes home in the afternoon. We watch tv and I make dinner. Then we watch a movie and he goes to bed. I stay up watcing tv and then I get on the computer late at night. I've been avoiding reading for some reason. I just feel like reading is harder for me now than in the past. That made me feel a little stupid. I felt like I needed to read alot more than I have been. The last book I read was Joyluck Club by Amy Tan. It was a book club selection. It was a book that I had read before. I enjoyed it but it was a challenge to read it within a month. I want to read The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver. I want to take the month to read it. I don't want to rush myself. There are other books I want to read but I get overwhelmed when I think about reading them. I have alot of unread books that I haven't read. I feel guilty for not reading. I feel like I need to be patient with myself and read at a slower pace than what I used to read. A guy from high school said he could read 100 pages an hour. That just sticks in my brain and I feel as if I don't read 100 pages an hour and a book a week there must be something wrong with me. I know now that that is silly. I need to read as fast or slowly and I want to in order to enjoy the book.

Since my manic episode I have felt like a different person. I have not felt comfortable with myself for a long time. I didn't understand what was going on and why I felt so different. It's as if my personality changed. I really feel like my brain underwent a change. I can't prove it but it feels like it.I have just had it with the self-hatred and self-condemnation. I just don't have the energy to do this anymore. I also feel alot of anxiey about the future. I worry that something will happen to my husband and he will be unable to support us. I worry about my elderly mother and how she gets along. I worry that I will have a stroke or heart attack or get cancer and have medical bills that I can't pay. Anything can happen and usually does. It's hard not to worry about what could happen. I just want to focus on what actually is happening in my life and not worry about what could happen. It's hard to do that especially since I hve alot time on my hands. I think alot about what could happen and it worries me. I just think about what the Bible says about worry that you can't add an hour to your life by worrying. Something to remember.

I used to feel suicidal every day for years. I had to decide to live everyday for a while. It was hard just not trying to kill myself. I wish people would understand that. Having a mental illness is hard. It's difficult because of the suffering people go through. I didn't understand that myself until my sister died. I realized that she was fighting to live a normal life and it was really hard for her to do that. She struggled really hard to live each day as a happy person. I can't always be happy but I can be content. I can't always do things but I can try to do something. It's really hard for my pride to realize my weaknesses. I have never forgiven myself for not finishing school. It's really hard for me to come to grips with the fact that I couldn't finish school. I feel extremely guilty for not working for so long. I realize now that when I tried to work I couldn't do it. It was hard realizing that.

I'm at the poing in my life where I am ready to forgive myself for my weaknesses. It's hard but I am trying. I just don't have the energy to condemn myself anymore. Maybe in the long run I will be able to work again. I don't know how but I will try. Until then I will take pleasure in doing things for myself and not because of a feeling of guilt that I need to be productive. I'm ready to enjoy each day and take my struggles as they come. I hope I won't need to experience my worst fears but I have already done that and I have survived.