Random Thoughts Part Two

It's been a while since I have felt like writing. I have been in a depression. I got into the habit of sleeping during the day. I stay up at night and sleep during the day. I just spend the day in bed until around 3:00 in the afternoon. I couldn't tell you when I started doing this. It's been at least a couple of years. I started having trouble sleeping about 7 years ago after my last manic episode. At first I thought I was getting manic but that wasn't the case. I was sleeping ok when we were living on Olive street. When we moved to Glendale that's when I started staying up at night. It's hard because I don't feel sleepy and I don't know when to go to bed. Sometimes I go just go to bed out of boredom. I sleep probably 2-4 hours a day. It's hard to calculate because I sleep in two hour intervals. I'm awake most of the time. I don't feel sleep deprived though. It's hard because I feel awake most of the time and I don't feel like I get enough rest. It's hard psychologically because I feel awake all of the time.

I try really hard to get sleep because I don't want to go manic again. I tried a sleeping pill but it made me sleep walk which scared me. I wish I could change the way I sleep but I don't know what to do. I have a light box but I am afraid to use it because I don't want to end up manic. When my husband has a day off I sleep in the morning and try to get up by noon. That way we still have the day to do stuff. The rest of of the week I stay in bed until 3 pm or so. I really want to get out of this habit. I don't want to waste the day lying in bed. Some days I'm so depressed I can't get out of bed until 5 o'clock. During my manic episode my brain got rewired and I can't sleep through the night anymore. I can't prove that but that's what I feel happened. I just can't afford to see a specialist to find out what's wrong. It's been this way for at least six years. I just don't feel normal. I can't get the kind of rest that most people get. I'm always thinking that one day I'll go manic because I'm not getting enough sleep. That's my main concern is what shape is my brain in. I just don't think it is operating within normal perameters.

It's so lonely at night and early in the morning. I can't talk to anyone. I tried chatting on the computer but I couldn't understand the lingo people were using. It was really frustrating too. I gave up on it after a few tries. I can't call anyone. I can use Twitter which is fun but nobody is reading my tweets at such an early hour. For some reason I don't like to watch movies late at night. It makes me feel even more lonely.Sometimes I just go to bed and lay there for a few hours. I just get so bored sometimes. Writing helps or reading a book. It's so damn quiet. I hate it. It reminds me that I am alone in this world. That I cannot stop things from happening. I just feel so alone late at night.

When I was growing up I spent alot of time alone. I was lonely but then I would talk to God. I prayed and read alot. Now that I am an atheist I feel lonley alot of the time. Reading is difficult because my attention span is short. Another thing that happened after my manic episode. I used to read alot but I find myself having a hard time reading for a long period of time now. I joined a book club but quit when I found that I had a hard time reading the books. I'm angry about this because I used to read alot. I feel sad about it because I feel a real pleasure in my life has been taken away from me.

It's hard for me to be happy. I try to be content instead. It's hard finding pleasure in things. I like to eat good food. I still like to read. I like making jewelry. I like going places. I just have a hard time getting motivated to leave my apartment sometimes. Sometimes my mood is so dark I have to make a consious decision not to try to kill myself.I really want to change the way I think but it's hard to do sometimes.

When I was a Christian I forced myself to do alot of things. I forced myself to go to work. I forced myself to go to school. I forced myself to go to church. I forced myself to be happy and joyful. I was miserable. I felt I had to deny myself in order to please God and be happy. It was torture. Working was a real challenge but I felt that I had no choice. I didn't think we could afford to live on one income. If I knew that I would have such a hard time getting disability I would not have quit my job. I just thought I could get on disability.

Being an atheist has changed the way I see the world. I have less anxiety and guilt. I also have better self-esteem. I no longer feel like a failure. I still have some anxiety about the future but not as bad as when I was a Christian. I also feel the need to live in the moment and not look forward to a heaven that doesn't exist. I used to suffer in anticpation of heaven. Now I try to find pleasure in the present and not try to wait for an eternity that doesn't exist.

I really wish I could solve my sleep problems. I feel like if I could sleep at night I could get a job. I wish I could work. If I had even a part time job we could afford a car. Not having a car limits so much of what we can do. It's really hard getting groceries or traveling on vacation. I would feel better about my sleep if I knew exactly how much sleep I was getting. Maybe I would spend so much time in bed during the day.

Life is so challenging. I try to stay positive but it is very difficult. I feel like I let my fears control my actions. The fact that I can't always control what happens in my life gives me much anxiety. I feel like I have to brace myself for unknown problems. Anything could happen so I worry. Life is short so I want to enjoy more of it. I also want to find a way to make money so that we can have a better quality of life. It's a real challenge living life and enjoying it.