Thoughts in the night

As I sit here in the night a lot of thoughts go through my mind. I think about my life so far and the lessons I have learned. Having insomnia means I think alot. I can't talk to anyone and I hate chatting online. I just have myself to entertain. I think that it's hard because I think of unpleasant moments in my life and I try to make sense of them. I have regrets and mistakes in my life that I wonder what would have happened if I did things differently. Like quitting my job. I probably should have just taken some time off and gotten my medication straightened out. I think I would have done better to keep working. I just think that my manic episode that I had in 1999 changed my brain so I couldn't do the job I used to do. I felt so overwhelmed. My psychiatrist was a hack and couldn't be trusted. I had to get a different doctor.

Time goes so slowly in the night after midnight. I have so much time on my hands. I don't like to watch movies because I don't want to wear out our DVD player and I also feel like I am wasting time if I watch alot of movies. That doesn't make sense but that's how I feel. I like to read but my attention span isn't what it was since my last manic episode. I am convinced that my brain was altered during my last manic episode. I just don't feel like the same person. I find it more difficult to read for long periods of time. I can't sleep at night. I feel like something changed in my
brain. I am certain of it. I can't afford to prove it but I feel that is what happened. My manic episode was so severe that it took me years to recover from it. I am trying to adjust to my new normal but it's hard sometimes. Not being able to have a consistent sleep schedule prevents me from having a regular job which is what I need. I just feel stuck sometimes with my limitations.

I think I have come to terms with my new normal. It's been hard but I am dealing with it. I think having a chronic illness means dealing with your limitations and not feeling guilty about it. I watch my husband work so hard to keep us afloat. Sometimes he hates his job. I just wish I could make money so he wouldn't have to stay in a job he hates and have the freedom to find work he likes. In this economy we need him to keep working and quitting is not an option. I worry what would happen if he lost his job or died. I don't think we'd last very long. It's a scary thought.

I have a major regret in not being able to finish college. I owe twenty thousand in student loans but I never graduated. I feel totally guilty for this. I feel like I let my parents down and let myself down. I tried really hard to finish but I couldn't because of my illness. It really hurts that I couldn't finish school. I could have been making so much more money and would have been financially secure if only I could have finished school. I tried really hard but I kept getting depressed. I couldn't finish classes it was really frustrating.

I really have changed my perspective since becoming an atheist. I don't guilt out about most things anymore. I feel better about myself. I take hardship easier . I try to enjoy my day and focus on the positive. I try to be thankful for my life and living each day one day at at time. Each day I try to be thankful for my overall physical health. I saw a doctor recently and she wants me to get some tests done. I'm anxious about this because I don't want to find out I have cancer or something that I can't afford to treat. I will get the tests done soon. I really try to see the positive and not worry so much about what I can't control. I look at other people's lives and how positive they are and I think I can take my struggles with a better attitude.

I think alot about life and death. My sister died four years ago and it really made me think about my life. She also had Bipolar Disorder and struggled with it all her life. She couldn't work and was on disabilty all of her adult life. I used to get frustrated with her because she kept struggling with her illness. I now have a different perspective because of my struggles. I now admire her for never giving up and always trying to get the most out of her life even with her struggles. It inspired me to take my medication and manage my illness so I could be happier in life. I admire her spunk and determination to live life to the fullest. I try not to give up on my day when I am depressed but it is hard. Sometimes I let my illness get the best of me and then I feel guilty. I feel so weak some days but then I think of my sister and and try to make a go of it.

I've been wondering lately why life can be so hard. Some people have it easy while others struggle all their lives. It's not fair. I don't understand it. As a Christian I tried to make sense of it but now I just try to survive life with a little joy. I don't understand where evil comes from. I don't know why people turn out evil and predatory. It's a real mystery to me. Life is so unfair. When I was denied disability for the third time I felt that keenly. I mean I cannot work a full time job. I might be able to work part time but that's a stretch. I just have so much trouble sleeping at regular times. I have tried to change my sleep shedule but nothing seems to work long term.

I used to feel so bad because my father didn't believe in me. He was so disappointed when I couldn't finish college. He never recognized the hard work I went into avoiding disabilty. I worked so hard because of him. I wanted him to be proud of me but he never was. Sometimes I feel relieved that he is dead so he would be around to disapprove of my life as it is. He thought I was lazy and stupid and couldn't take care of myself. I felt so guilty because of him. I just recently forgave my father for not being able to love me unconditionally. It was hard but I felt like I needed to do that to move on with my life. I also forgave my mother for not showing me her love growing up. I went through my childhood and youth feeling no love from my parents. I now see that for whatever reason they were unable to show me love the way I wanted them to. I now see that this doesnt reflect upon me and my self-worth. It took me a long time to come to that conclusion.

I spent so much of my life persuing happiness. It was a monumental effort because of my illness. I couldn't understand why I couldn't be happy most of the time. I felt like a failure. Why was it so easy for some people to work and raise a family? I wanted children at one point in my life but I realized that I would be prone to making the same mistake my parents made with me. Having a mental illness makes it hard to raise unaffected children. I have a friend whose mother was mentally ill and she is in her forties dealing with post traumatic stress disorder from her childhood. I didn't want that for any of my children. I decided that I have enough on my plate just staying out of the hospital and and staying alive through my illness. I don't mean to say that people with mental illnesses can't have children I just think that they need to be diligent about their illness so their children are not traumatised.

Since my sister died young I am concerned that I might die young too. We had similar health problems and I am experiencing things that she suffered from. Not sleeping, dental problems, heart problems. My doctor thought my heartbeat was irregular and suggested a test to examine that. I don't fear death as much as I used to when I was a Christian but I don't want to leave my husband alone. He is working hard to lose weight so he doesn't die young. I should try to do the same so I can live longer than my sister.I have lost 3 dress sizes in the last year but I still have alot to go.

The biggest fear I have is ending up alone and homeless unable to get medication and institutionalized for life. I need to find a way to make money somehow. Maybe I could work at home doing some writing. I would feel so much better if I could make money and build a rainy day savings. I will research that. Writing has become much more difficult for me to do since my last manic episode. It's hard writing for long periods of time. I will work at it since I have plenty of time on my hands. I just have a hard time believing that I could actually make money writing. It's worth a try though. I have nothing to lose.

I am finally ready to let go of my guilt and feelings of inadequacy. I want so much to feel good about myself. It's a struggle to feel like I matter to people. I want so much to be happy and content with my life and not worry so much about things I can't control. I finally get that what other people feel about me doesn't have to affect my feelings about myself. It's really taken a long time to understand that. I just get so tired beating myself up for things I can't control I can't help that I have a chronic illness. I can only manage my illness and make sure my health is good.

I just want this year to be the year I turn a corner and start living my life to the full like my sister. I want to find a way to make money and take care of my health with that extra money. I just want my life to be good. I want to have joy and contentment and productivity. Time and again I turn to writing to pass the time and feel better. Maybe that's my ticket away from a life of futility and depression.