Thursday, April 12, 2012

Inside Mania

The last time I felt normal was when I was 18 and in my senior year of high school. Since then it's been a series of depressions, mania, and hypomania. Depression is a state that impairs me the most. I can't function when I am severely depressed. It's like walking through a sea of molasses. I can't think very fast. I am sad,overwhelmed,unable to do simple tasks like take a shower, get out of bed. It's very debilitating. In contrast hypomania and mania are very different. In hypomania I am energetic,irritable,joyful,euphoric,high strung and extremely impulsive. I like to spend money or shoplift if I don't have any money. I'm out of control emotionally and hypersexual. Mania is more pronounced euphoria along with delusions and a loss of reality. I am also extremely sexual.

I have been manic in 1993, 2000, and 2004.I have been manic other times where I didn't need to be in the hospital. I was hospitalized in 2004 for mania for two weeks. Other times I have been hypomanic. The longest period of hypomania I had was in 1990 for a year. I have had short periods of hypomania since then. When I am not depressed or manic I am emotionally flatlined. I am emotionally neutral. I have a hard time enjoying things in this state. I do not feel deep emotions. Feeling this way is very difficult because I don't have any way of enjoying my life. I feel that I am merely existing. Sometimes I think of suicide in this state although I am not depressed.

People look at mania and think it's a good thing because of the positive emotions. Yes I feel good but my impulse control is turned off. Things that are illegal or immoral are not out of reach for me. I could shoplift or cheat on my husband. I have not control over what I do or say to people. I think I am a wonderful person and superior to others so I say things I don't mean. I am driving a car that is out of control. I have not idea where the car is going. I have no control. I could kill myself or others by the delusions I have. I got really angry at one of my therapists because she said when I was hypomanic that I was having fun anyway. She doesn't realize the fear factor in even hypomania. I have no control. I can't resist spending money I don't have or saying things I don't mean It's very scary.

Having mania is a terrifying experience. The delusions I have feel real. I don't think I'm delusional so my sense of reality is skewed. I feel like I am possessed by another entity. I hear voices that tell me to do things. I feel that I have to do what the voices tell me or I will die. I can't control my own body. I must obey the voices. I can't help myself. I have to do what they say. The thing about mania is that it can alter your brain. After the manic episode in 2004 I was unable to sleep at night. I couldn't sleep at night in the hospital. When I got home I tried to sleep at night but couldn't. I haven't been able to sleep at night since then. I was put on Lithium after that and that's when I experienced the emotional flatline experience.

Manic people are fun to be around. They are likeable and energetic. They can be easily irritated or annoyed. They have lots of energy and have high self-esteem. They are very productive and get very little sleep. When I was manic I was the life of the party. But I had poor impulse control. That's the scary part of being manic. I could do something illegal because the law didn't apply to me. I could act out my sexuality and cheat on my husband. (I didn't) I can't help myself when I am manic. I can't control the strong emotions I feel. I am out of control. I can't express how scary that is. To be out of control and unable to resist my emotions.

That is why I make sure I take my medications. I don't want to be manic. I wan't to live. I don't want to get in a situation where I jump off a building or am killed by police because I was manic.I don't want to be hypomanic either. I have been hypomanic when I lose track of my medication. I don't want to go to jail for shoplifting or doing something illegal. My illness is serious because I could kill myself in a depression or mania. I wish people would understand how I have to make the decision to live each day with my illness.