I've been thinking about my life and what could have been different if I'd made different decisions. If my mother could have taken me to the doctor when I was 15 and suffering from depression I could have gotten on the right meds sooner and been able to finish college. If I had not joined the ICOC I could have flourished in my career as a writer. I could have paid off my student loans and made some money on my own. I would have married someone different. I would have been able to meet more people and make more friends. I would have been happier and been better adjusted.
I feel like twenty years of my life was wasted in a unhealthy church that just sucked the life out of me. I focused on church instead of a career as a writer. I became a religious nut who just focused on recruiting people into the church. I couldn't relate to anybody. I couldn't enjoy my life. I was so focused on pleasing the leadership in the church that I neglected family relationships. I tried to be the perfect wife and disciple. I couldn't be pleased with my progress. I felt constant guilt for not living up to the church's example of what I should be. I idolized leaders and made them more than they were. I tried really hard to please a God whom I felt couldn't be satisfied. Tweny years of that. My niece is tweny-five. I wasted most of her life in a system that was impossible to conquer.
I stayed off of disability because of my father. I wanted to please him. I wanted to show him that I could take care of myself. He went to his grave never believing in me. He thought I was stupid,lazy,religious,and unable to take care of myself. If I had finished school and made a career as a writer he would have been proud of me. He would have died proud of me. He is gone and I can't do anything about it.
My sister loved me and just wanted a relationship with me but I was too busy judging her for her relationship with her boyfriend. I could have had a closer relationship with her but I was too busy looking down on her for her mental illness. She is dead now and I can't do anything about it. I have one other sister and I can't make a connection with her. She makes me so angry because she she looks down on me. I am so discouraged about that. I wish I was friends with her and that she understood my struggle with my illness. She is just so judgmental. It infuriates me. She has blinders on and cant see her own mental illness. If I had been more of a success maybe she would have wanted a relationship with me.
I devoted my time and energy on the wrong things. I spent two decades doing something that got me nowhere. Now I am empty and alone. I don't have a purpose. I just exist through each day waiting for something disasterous to happen. I can't get over the guilt and regret I feel for wasting half my life on religion. Two family members are gone and I could have had a better relationship with them if I hadn't been so blinded by religious zeal. I feel so angry and cheated by that. The ICOC not only ruined my life but stole my family from me and I can't get that back.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Alone in the world.
As I child I was alone alot. I spent my time at the library reading books after school. Home was not a welcome place for me. My mom and older sister made home a living hell. I would get yelled at for every little thing I did and didn't do. At school I got picked on and made fun of. This occured all through school into high school. I was a loner and didn't have many friends. The one friend I had I sacrificed for what I thought was a chance to be popular. I really regret that now. I wish I could apologize to Tina for that. So I spent my time reading,watching television, and living in a fantasy world.I was very lonely growing up.
Religion was a comfort. The thought that a God was out there somewhere thinking about you and caring for you. Angels were fighting battles for your spiritual welfare. God was looking in on you from birth (Psalm 139). It gave me comfort to believe that someone out there cared. When I found a church that seemed to consist of people who cared I felt like I had hit the lottery. I was no longer alone. I could be myself and my efforts to care for others would be appreciated. I realized twenty years later that I was a statistic and not a lost soul to these people. I did make some life long friends and forged some close relationships but most of them didn't seem to last.
When I left the church I felt that childhood lonliness creep back up into my psyche again. I tried to escape it by ignoring it. I looked to my husband to fill the lonliness but he was depressed too ( for different reasons). Reading books wasn't something that gave me comfort like they used to. I really felt alone and exposed. I felt as if something terrible was going to happen to me or my husband. After all life is full of surprises. What happened before can happen again and usually does. I felt an extreme sense of anxiety and vulnerability. It was hard getting out of bed and leaving my home to go anywhere. I felt angry and betrayed that I had fallen for such a lie as religion.
There was no god watching out for me. No angels are protecting me from harm. Jesus didn't hear my prayers because He'd never existed. If I wanted good things to happen in my life I was to be the one to make them happen. I have to answer my own prayers. When I was alone I was really alone. I had some friends and some family pulling for me but that is it. In this world we need to help and encourage each other and answer each other's prayers.
Feeling lonely is a realistic emotion. We are social creatures. We are raised to seek out other people in relationships. Child molesters know this. They take advantage of a child's innocence and desire to connect to other people. My parents took care of my physical needs but they never took care of my emotional needs. That's why me and my sister were willing marks for the church we joined. We were still looking for that connection with people. We wanted to be loved. The church recognized that need and love bombed us. We were hooked; constantly trying to find the love we didn't get as children.
What I have learned is that it is o.k. to feel lonely. For so long I thought there was something wrong with me. Feeling alone and lonely is natural and doesn't have to be scary. Listening to music, reading, writing, all help me with my lonliness. Staying connected with friends and family also helps the lonliness in my heart.
Now that I am an anthiest I appreciate the human spirit so much more. People overcome adversity in their lives with astonishing strength and force of will. The human spirit can be indomitable and full of positive energy. In my own life being able to work despite my illness was my own personal victory over adversity. To be honest I gave up a few years ago. I just existed and didn't try to forge a new path. I was extremly depressed and discouraged; especially after I was denied disability for the third and last time. I just sat down and waited to be thrown out on the street. It was hard to overcome my feelings of failure.
The last five years have been hard but they are part of my journey in life. I had to experience this depression and lonliness to appreciate the positive things in life. I think writing this blog has helped me put things in perspective. I am able to see the changes I have made since my last manic episode. I am able to take small steps toward feeling better about myself and my future.
Religion was a comfort. The thought that a God was out there somewhere thinking about you and caring for you. Angels were fighting battles for your spiritual welfare. God was looking in on you from birth (Psalm 139). It gave me comfort to believe that someone out there cared. When I found a church that seemed to consist of people who cared I felt like I had hit the lottery. I was no longer alone. I could be myself and my efforts to care for others would be appreciated. I realized twenty years later that I was a statistic and not a lost soul to these people. I did make some life long friends and forged some close relationships but most of them didn't seem to last.
When I left the church I felt that childhood lonliness creep back up into my psyche again. I tried to escape it by ignoring it. I looked to my husband to fill the lonliness but he was depressed too ( for different reasons). Reading books wasn't something that gave me comfort like they used to. I really felt alone and exposed. I felt as if something terrible was going to happen to me or my husband. After all life is full of surprises. What happened before can happen again and usually does. I felt an extreme sense of anxiety and vulnerability. It was hard getting out of bed and leaving my home to go anywhere. I felt angry and betrayed that I had fallen for such a lie as religion.
There was no god watching out for me. No angels are protecting me from harm. Jesus didn't hear my prayers because He'd never existed. If I wanted good things to happen in my life I was to be the one to make them happen. I have to answer my own prayers. When I was alone I was really alone. I had some friends and some family pulling for me but that is it. In this world we need to help and encourage each other and answer each other's prayers.
Feeling lonely is a realistic emotion. We are social creatures. We are raised to seek out other people in relationships. Child molesters know this. They take advantage of a child's innocence and desire to connect to other people. My parents took care of my physical needs but they never took care of my emotional needs. That's why me and my sister were willing marks for the church we joined. We were still looking for that connection with people. We wanted to be loved. The church recognized that need and love bombed us. We were hooked; constantly trying to find the love we didn't get as children.
What I have learned is that it is o.k. to feel lonely. For so long I thought there was something wrong with me. Feeling alone and lonely is natural and doesn't have to be scary. Listening to music, reading, writing, all help me with my lonliness. Staying connected with friends and family also helps the lonliness in my heart.
Now that I am an anthiest I appreciate the human spirit so much more. People overcome adversity in their lives with astonishing strength and force of will. The human spirit can be indomitable and full of positive energy. In my own life being able to work despite my illness was my own personal victory over adversity. To be honest I gave up a few years ago. I just existed and didn't try to forge a new path. I was extremly depressed and discouraged; especially after I was denied disability for the third and last time. I just sat down and waited to be thrown out on the street. It was hard to overcome my feelings of failure.
The last five years have been hard but they are part of my journey in life. I had to experience this depression and lonliness to appreciate the positive things in life. I think writing this blog has helped me put things in perspective. I am able to see the changes I have made since my last manic episode. I am able to take small steps toward feeling better about myself and my future.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Life After God
I became a Christian believer at the tender age of 9. I read the New Testement and immediately fell in love with Jesus. A few years later at the age of 12 I was offered the chance to be baptized but I opted out. I was terrified of going in front of a bunch of people and reveal my faith to the world. I participated in the church youth group until I graduated High School. I was considered to be very spiritual. I remember going to a youth group retreat and praying that I would find genuine Christianity and a real conversion.
My sister was going to a church so after a semester of spiritual backsliding I felt compelled to try it out. I met some girls who were also attending the University of Colorado. I gave one of them my number. She called me and invited me to a Bible talk. I thought it was harmless so I went. Next thing I knew I was studying the Bible with them. I studied for seven months. I was baptized on July 3, 1988. I was really excited. My prayer had been answered. I spent the next 20 years trying really hard to be a good disciple of Jesus. Most of the time I felt like a spiritual failure. Having Bipolar disorder really made hard for me to live up to the demanding standard of discipleship that people in the church taught.
I felt incredibly burdened to spread the Gospel to all creation and be a perfect disciple. It was exhausting. I saw a therapist in 2002 and realized how much the church had damaged me emotionally and spiritualy. The constant "discipling" by people who were over me in the Lord really corrupted my self-esteem. I couldn't go to church for a while. Then I was nagged for not going to church. When I had a panic attack at church I realized this environment was wrong. I was afraid to leave because I didn't want to go to hell. I stayed but my love for God was gone. I no longer believed that he would protect me and take care of me. We went through an eighteen month period of unemployment. We lost the house. We almost ended up on the street except for the help of people in the church and my mother-in-law.
In 2004 I had a severe manic episode. I was in the hospital for two weeks. After I got out I was severely depressed and suicidal. I remained that way for 3 years. During that time going to church became a burden. I hooked up with a forum online that talked about my church. I decided to leave. I still had faith in God, though. After about a year away from the church I began to doubt the existence of God. I began to wonder if my spirituality was connected to my illness. When I was manic I was very religious and spiritual. I could feel the presence of God. When I was depressed I felt that God was condemning me. I just didn't feel God's presence anymore. I began to see the contradictions in God's personality and wondered how on earth was anyone supposed to be able to please such a volatile personality. The concept of hell baffled me too. How can a loving god send most of his creation to hell for not choosing to obey Him or follow Him? It made no sense. I concluded that God did not exist. At least the God that is written about in the Bible,Koran, or Book of Mormon.
I went through a period of sadness and mourning for my faith. I missed praying and being in the fellowship. I was also extremely anxious because I realized there was no God watching over me there were no angels fighting for my safety. I stayed in touch with some friends from my church but I no longer had the same outlook on life they had. They still hoped that what I was going through was a phase and I would repent and return to the church. After a year or so, I began to feel better. The anxiety faded and the sense that I was condemned to hell went away. I began to feel more alive and thankful for the small blessings in life. The idea of heaven was hard to part with especially after my sister died.
I now believe that we are spiritually recycled. Nature recycles everything so why not our souls? Who we are dies with us but a part of us becomes part of another life. I think Evolution is a theory that is still in development and isn't perfect. It is an observation of nature and I accept it as the closest thing we have to what happened to life. Now when I think of the Bible I think it's a nice fictional story. I don't think Jesus ever really existed. He was created by men. So were Mary and the disciples. I think there is a purpose to nature and it is directed somehow by a force of life but that isn't a God necessarily.
I feel better as an atheist than I ever did as a Christian. The guilt and drive to be perfect has melted away into a general feeling of goodwill towards mankind. I don't fear death as it is a natural cycle of life. I still have some anxiety about life but I don't feel suicidal and defeated when I did as a Christian.
I don't think being a Christian was a waste of time. My character was forged in church and I made some lifelong friends. I think there are good things about Christianity I just don't need it in my life at this point.
My sister was going to a church so after a semester of spiritual backsliding I felt compelled to try it out. I met some girls who were also attending the University of Colorado. I gave one of them my number. She called me and invited me to a Bible talk. I thought it was harmless so I went. Next thing I knew I was studying the Bible with them. I studied for seven months. I was baptized on July 3, 1988. I was really excited. My prayer had been answered. I spent the next 20 years trying really hard to be a good disciple of Jesus. Most of the time I felt like a spiritual failure. Having Bipolar disorder really made hard for me to live up to the demanding standard of discipleship that people in the church taught.
I felt incredibly burdened to spread the Gospel to all creation and be a perfect disciple. It was exhausting. I saw a therapist in 2002 and realized how much the church had damaged me emotionally and spiritualy. The constant "discipling" by people who were over me in the Lord really corrupted my self-esteem. I couldn't go to church for a while. Then I was nagged for not going to church. When I had a panic attack at church I realized this environment was wrong. I was afraid to leave because I didn't want to go to hell. I stayed but my love for God was gone. I no longer believed that he would protect me and take care of me. We went through an eighteen month period of unemployment. We lost the house. We almost ended up on the street except for the help of people in the church and my mother-in-law.
In 2004 I had a severe manic episode. I was in the hospital for two weeks. After I got out I was severely depressed and suicidal. I remained that way for 3 years. During that time going to church became a burden. I hooked up with a forum online that talked about my church. I decided to leave. I still had faith in God, though. After about a year away from the church I began to doubt the existence of God. I began to wonder if my spirituality was connected to my illness. When I was manic I was very religious and spiritual. I could feel the presence of God. When I was depressed I felt that God was condemning me. I just didn't feel God's presence anymore. I began to see the contradictions in God's personality and wondered how on earth was anyone supposed to be able to please such a volatile personality. The concept of hell baffled me too. How can a loving god send most of his creation to hell for not choosing to obey Him or follow Him? It made no sense. I concluded that God did not exist. At least the God that is written about in the Bible,Koran, or Book of Mormon.
I went through a period of sadness and mourning for my faith. I missed praying and being in the fellowship. I was also extremely anxious because I realized there was no God watching over me there were no angels fighting for my safety. I stayed in touch with some friends from my church but I no longer had the same outlook on life they had. They still hoped that what I was going through was a phase and I would repent and return to the church. After a year or so, I began to feel better. The anxiety faded and the sense that I was condemned to hell went away. I began to feel more alive and thankful for the small blessings in life. The idea of heaven was hard to part with especially after my sister died.
I now believe that we are spiritually recycled. Nature recycles everything so why not our souls? Who we are dies with us but a part of us becomes part of another life. I think Evolution is a theory that is still in development and isn't perfect. It is an observation of nature and I accept it as the closest thing we have to what happened to life. Now when I think of the Bible I think it's a nice fictional story. I don't think Jesus ever really existed. He was created by men. So were Mary and the disciples. I think there is a purpose to nature and it is directed somehow by a force of life but that isn't a God necessarily.
I feel better as an atheist than I ever did as a Christian. The guilt and drive to be perfect has melted away into a general feeling of goodwill towards mankind. I don't fear death as it is a natural cycle of life. I still have some anxiety about life but I don't feel suicidal and defeated when I did as a Christian.
I don't think being a Christian was a waste of time. My character was forged in church and I made some lifelong friends. I think there are good things about Christianity I just don't need it in my life at this point.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Glory Days???
My husband was talking about glory days; a reference to a Bruce Springstein song. He asked if I had some glory days of my own. I said no. My past is full of failures. Failure to get a college degree and failure to get and keep a job. I struggled with Bipolar illness for over a decade. I remember having depressions that would last for years. When I felt better I tried to do things but then the depressions would come back. It's been a constant struggle to keep from killing myselft out of pure misery.
It is really hard to get people to understand what a struggle having a mental illness is. I struggle to get out of bed daily. When I was working I strained and forced myself to go to work and be productive. Some days I barely made it. When I was going to school it was the same thing. I had to "beat my body and make it my slave" to quote Paul in the Bible. People didn't see my struggle. My father believed that I was stupid and lazy. He never saw the struggle I made to get a job and live on my own. He was never proud of me. I was a failure in his eyes. He died worried about me and whether I would make it in life. That thought haunts me but there is nothing I can do about it now.
I need to make the most of the present. I need to work on my writing and find a part time job. If I do these things I'll feel better about myself. I need to make the most of each day and try to take some pleasure from it. It's hard for me to think positively and not worry so much about what might happen. I spend a lot time thinking about the bad things that could happen. I also spend a lot time regretting the past. I don't know how I could have changed the things that happened to me because of my illness. I need to move on from the past and focus on the present and future.
It is really hard to get people to understand what a struggle having a mental illness is. I struggle to get out of bed daily. When I was working I strained and forced myself to go to work and be productive. Some days I barely made it. When I was going to school it was the same thing. I had to "beat my body and make it my slave" to quote Paul in the Bible. People didn't see my struggle. My father believed that I was stupid and lazy. He never saw the struggle I made to get a job and live on my own. He was never proud of me. I was a failure in his eyes. He died worried about me and whether I would make it in life. That thought haunts me but there is nothing I can do about it now.
I need to make the most of the present. I need to work on my writing and find a part time job. If I do these things I'll feel better about myself. I need to make the most of each day and try to take some pleasure from it. It's hard for me to think positively and not worry so much about what might happen. I spend a lot time thinking about the bad things that could happen. I also spend a lot time regretting the past. I don't know how I could have changed the things that happened to me because of my illness. I need to move on from the past and focus on the present and future.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Long time no see...
I haven't blogged in a while. I have been drifting from day to day merely existing. I haven't been doing much of anything. I've been trying to sleep at night. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I do not. I've been worrying about our finances. My student loan is out of deferment and will come due in November. I don't know where the extra money is going to come from. I wish I could make an extra 500 to 1,000 dollars a month to make things easier. I wish I could sleep through the night so I could take on a full or part-time job. That's not going to happen so I need to find a way to work from home. I have no idea how to do that. I thought I could do surveys online but they are a scam. I just don't know what to do. Should I try to look for work again? I have such an old work history. I haven't worked in 9 years. I wish I could find something to do online. So many offers online are scams. I tried to download an e-book about making money online and I couldn't do it. I don't know but I need to do something.
The past nine years just flew by. I did go to school for one year and I had trouble keeping a job for another but I can't tell you what I have been doing for the last nine years. I feel like part of it was recovering from my manic episode in 2004 but I don't know what else I've been doing. I just spend every day waiting for Howard to come home. I really need to do something during the day. Writing seems to be the only thing I can do during the day. I don't know what else to do. I'd like to find something to do online during the day so I can make money and contribute to the household finances. There are just so many scams out there. I don't want to get robbed online like we did a few years back when Howard was looking for a job. I just want to be productive. It's been so long since I have felt like a producing human being. I just feel so useless.
I'm going to work on my stories and teach myself to write screenplays and possibly write a book based on my experience in the ICOC. I'm going to see if surveys online can work but I'm going to have to spend a little money to find that out. I don't know what else to do. I just need to be more productive with my time. I also will try and read a book a week. I will also blog at least every Sunday night. I think doing these things will help me feel better about myself.
The past nine years just flew by. I did go to school for one year and I had trouble keeping a job for another but I can't tell you what I have been doing for the last nine years. I feel like part of it was recovering from my manic episode in 2004 but I don't know what else I've been doing. I just spend every day waiting for Howard to come home. I really need to do something during the day. Writing seems to be the only thing I can do during the day. I don't know what else to do. I'd like to find something to do online during the day so I can make money and contribute to the household finances. There are just so many scams out there. I don't want to get robbed online like we did a few years back when Howard was looking for a job. I just want to be productive. It's been so long since I have felt like a producing human being. I just feel so useless.
I'm going to work on my stories and teach myself to write screenplays and possibly write a book based on my experience in the ICOC. I'm going to see if surveys online can work but I'm going to have to spend a little money to find that out. I don't know what else to do. I just need to be more productive with my time. I also will try and read a book a week. I will also blog at least every Sunday night. I think doing these things will help me feel better about myself.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Trying to move on....
It's been a while since I have posted a blog. I was depressed for a while. It seemed like time just stopped and I couldn't move on with my life. I considered changing my meds but I don't think I can find anything better than what I have already been on. I am taking lithium and haldol and have for the last five years. I am very tired of my eratic sleep schedule. I stay up all night and nap during the day. It's very hard to endure psychologically. I feel like I am awake all the time and don't get much sleep.It's hard to determine just how much sleep I actually get. I know its less than four hours a day. It concerns me because of the potential of going manic at any time. I deal with alot of anxiety too. I don't like going outside the apartment much. I spend the night worrying and making up worst case scenarios in my head. Some days I am bored out of my mind. I spend alot of time on the computer web surfing. I don't like to read for some reason. I just don't find any pleasure in it anymore. My attention span is very short. I think this is connected to my last manic episode. Somehow my brain got rewired and I came down with insomnia and a lack of desire to read or write. I don't have much knowledge in neuroscience but somehow my brain acts differently now than it did before my last manic episode. I feel different emotionally, I act different, I am not the same person I was before that manic episode.
My husband's health insurance doesn't cover my bipolar because it is a pre-existing condition. This sucks because I have to pay for any mental health treatment out of my own pocket. I can't afford therapy so I just muddle through. It's really frustrating. I really do feel better after I write. I wish I had enough money to devote to painting. I think I would feel better if I could paint oil paintings. I feel trapped in a body that can't produce money for our household. We live paycheck to paycheck. We are two paychecks away from the street. It's very stressful. We don't have a car. Every time we go for groceries I am afraid that we will be hit by a car or something. I'd rather take a cab but my husband insists on taking a cart and hauling the groceries home by hand. It's embarrasing. I really feel poor without a car. It limits what I can do and where I can go. I really need to find a way to make some extra money. My student loans are coming due soon and I don't know how we can afford it. I might be able to keep my student loans deferred under unemployment but I don't know for how long.
I think I could write screenplays and blogs and write articles on different subjects to make money but these things take time. I'm nervous about putting my writing out there for critical review. I also don't want my work stolen by somebody who wanted to take advantage of me. I have a fear of being victimized somehow.
I just need to move on with my life. I feel as if my mental health is as good as its ever going to be. I can't find a cure for my eratic sleep habits so I need to just live with it. I need to become productive creatively just for my sanity if anything else. If I can make money from it that will be gravey.
My husband's health insurance doesn't cover my bipolar because it is a pre-existing condition. This sucks because I have to pay for any mental health treatment out of my own pocket. I can't afford therapy so I just muddle through. It's really frustrating. I really do feel better after I write. I wish I had enough money to devote to painting. I think I would feel better if I could paint oil paintings. I feel trapped in a body that can't produce money for our household. We live paycheck to paycheck. We are two paychecks away from the street. It's very stressful. We don't have a car. Every time we go for groceries I am afraid that we will be hit by a car or something. I'd rather take a cab but my husband insists on taking a cart and hauling the groceries home by hand. It's embarrasing. I really feel poor without a car. It limits what I can do and where I can go. I really need to find a way to make some extra money. My student loans are coming due soon and I don't know how we can afford it. I might be able to keep my student loans deferred under unemployment but I don't know for how long.
I think I could write screenplays and blogs and write articles on different subjects to make money but these things take time. I'm nervous about putting my writing out there for critical review. I also don't want my work stolen by somebody who wanted to take advantage of me. I have a fear of being victimized somehow.
I just need to move on with my life. I feel as if my mental health is as good as its ever going to be. I can't find a cure for my eratic sleep habits so I need to just live with it. I need to become productive creatively just for my sanity if anything else. If I can make money from it that will be gravey.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
My New Normal
It's Sunday, May 2nd. It's a new week and a new month. I need to make some decisions about my life. I have been unemployed for nine years. I tried to go back to school to finish my degree but my illness prevented me from achieving that goal. I tried working from home but,again, my illness got in the way. I don't know what to do. I need to find a way to make a living. I thought I could make money online but there are too many scams out there. I don't want to risk our bank account on a scam. The only thing left is writing. I have never been a writer. I have story ideas but I don't expand on them. I don't know the first thing about making a living as a writer. I feel cornered. I can't work a regular job. I can't finish my degree. The only thing I think I can do is write.
But write what? Screenplays? Novels? I don't know how to write those. How do I make money in the meantime? It's crazy. I feel like I am being set up for failure. I don't know what I should do.
I have attempted to write a book but I don't have enough information to write a whole novel. I might be able write a collection of short stories or a screenplay but I don't think I have a novel in me. I feel so helpless. We have been struggling financially since I quit my job. We filed bankruptcy. We don't have any money in savings. If we had to move or if something happened to my mother we wouldn't be able to do anything. I feel as if the universe has put the ball in my court and I am supposed to do something. If I do nothing then I will lose out.
I used to enjoy writing when I was in school. I enjoyed doing research papers. I wrote a few stories in college. It was fun and enjoyable. Now I look at writing as a chore. I don't want to do it but I feel as if I have no choice. I honestly don't know what else I can do. It seems as if I am being handed an option that I can't refuse. I used to enjoy writing but I stopped doing it. I became depressed and stopped doing the things I enjoyed like reading. I used to read one to two books a week. I stopped reading because I didn't want to use my brain. I stopped writing for the same reason. Maybe I'm being lazy. Writing isn't easy. It's hard. I thought early on that it was easy until I sat down and tried to write.
I don't want to spend the next ten years sitting in front of the t.v. wasting my brain. I want to produce something I can be proud of. I want to make enough money to help my family when they need it. I want to be able to afford a nice place to live and a car. I want to be able to go on vacation when I feel like it and travel to the Carribean and Europe if I feel like it. I want to enjoy life again. If writing can help me do these things then it is worth my effort to try it.
When I used to think of writing a book I thought I had to come up with it fully blown and written my first try. I think that's wrong. Writing is a process and it takes patience and finesse to complete a writing project. I need to take my time and be patient with myself and craft my writing projects carefully.
I just turned forty and I feel as if I have wasted a good portion of my life trying to survive instead of live life to the fullest. It's hard to live life to the fullest when you are poor and are just worried about where you will sleep and what you will eat. I don't want to drift through life and not experience good things because I was too focused on survival. If becoming a writer can help me extract some good things in life then maybe that's what I should be.
But write what? Screenplays? Novels? I don't know how to write those. How do I make money in the meantime? It's crazy. I feel like I am being set up for failure. I don't know what I should do.
I have attempted to write a book but I don't have enough information to write a whole novel. I might be able write a collection of short stories or a screenplay but I don't think I have a novel in me. I feel so helpless. We have been struggling financially since I quit my job. We filed bankruptcy. We don't have any money in savings. If we had to move or if something happened to my mother we wouldn't be able to do anything. I feel as if the universe has put the ball in my court and I am supposed to do something. If I do nothing then I will lose out.
I used to enjoy writing when I was in school. I enjoyed doing research papers. I wrote a few stories in college. It was fun and enjoyable. Now I look at writing as a chore. I don't want to do it but I feel as if I have no choice. I honestly don't know what else I can do. It seems as if I am being handed an option that I can't refuse. I used to enjoy writing but I stopped doing it. I became depressed and stopped doing the things I enjoyed like reading. I used to read one to two books a week. I stopped reading because I didn't want to use my brain. I stopped writing for the same reason. Maybe I'm being lazy. Writing isn't easy. It's hard. I thought early on that it was easy until I sat down and tried to write.
I don't want to spend the next ten years sitting in front of the t.v. wasting my brain. I want to produce something I can be proud of. I want to make enough money to help my family when they need it. I want to be able to afford a nice place to live and a car. I want to be able to go on vacation when I feel like it and travel to the Carribean and Europe if I feel like it. I want to enjoy life again. If writing can help me do these things then it is worth my effort to try it.
When I used to think of writing a book I thought I had to come up with it fully blown and written my first try. I think that's wrong. Writing is a process and it takes patience and finesse to complete a writing project. I need to take my time and be patient with myself and craft my writing projects carefully.
I just turned forty and I feel as if I have wasted a good portion of my life trying to survive instead of live life to the fullest. It's hard to live life to the fullest when you are poor and are just worried about where you will sleep and what you will eat. I don't want to drift through life and not experience good things because I was too focused on survival. If becoming a writer can help me extract some good things in life then maybe that's what I should be.
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