Finally Recovering

It's been five years but I finally feel like I am coming out of the fog. After my manic episode in July of 2004 I felt so crippled by depression that I could barely function. It was all I could do to stay alive. I wanted nothing more than to die. I was so out of it for four years. I had so much fear and anxiety too like I was afraid that I would end up alone and homeless. We struggled financially because I couldn't work. It was hard. We are still struggling financially but don't have any big debt besides my student loans. It would be nice if I could work part time. I want to work but I don't know how to get a job with my job history. I haven't worked in nine, almost ten years. It's hard to get work with that kind of history.

I find myself writing more. I want to write books,stories,and screenplays. I just don't know where to begin as I have never written a book or a screenplay. I want to be productive and eventually make money with my writing. I just don't want to spend another five years wandering through a fog of self-pity. I want to make each day count for something. I don't want the next year to go by before I am able to do something about my life. I just want to move on with my life. I have been paralyzed emotionally from my last manic episode. I was so full of guilt and regret. I hurt my husband so much. I felt really worthless. I couldn't hold on to my religious faith and survive. I had to give it up. That was hard to do but necessary for my own sanity. I had to get of the religious treadmill I was on to keep from destroying myself.

I still deal with anxiety and fear. Sometimes I have to force myself to get out of the house. I have a fear that I will not have enough time to actually write and finish a manuscript. I'm afraid my husband will lose his job and I'll be forced to work two jobs to pay the rent. I need to let go of my anxieties and fears but it is difficult. I often make up worse-case-scenarios where I end up alone and homeless. It's hard because I have so much time on my hands. I need to remind myself that these things could happen but they probably won't. I just as well might get struck by lightning too.

I really want to be happy and enjoy my life without worrying about my future. The tough economic times we are in really inspires me to be grateful for what I do have. I need to be there for my family and friends too. I have been kind of absent emotionally. I need to be patient with myself and realize that I can't control the course of my recovery. For whatever reason it has taken five years. That wasn't in my control. I need to see that.