Shake the dust off my feet.

I am at a poing in my life where I am ready to shake the dust off my feet and look ahead to the future. I have been dealing with feelings of guilt , anger, resentment, and shame for toot long. I want to start over and put the past behind me.

When I was six years old I was sexually abused by some neighborhood kids. This went on for 2 years until I was eight years old. The ringleader of the group moved away and that's how it ended. I was forced to masturbate in front of the kids and have sex and do other sexual things in front of the kids or I would get beat up. I came home from one of these "sessions" and my mother was sitting on the couch with her boyfriend. I was crying and she asked what was wrong. I didn't tell her what was happening because she was with her boyfriend. I felt so alone after that. I didn't tell anyone what happened until I went to college. I always resented my mother for that. She was more involved with her boyfriends than me. I wanted to join the Girl Scounts and my mother didn't seem interested. It really hurt my feelings. I didn't go to my mother for another thing after that. I felt like she was more engrossed in her own life and didn't care about me.

This abuse really messed up my sexuality growing up. I would feel guilty for masturbating and listening to Prince. When I got married I felt so dirty and naughty. I didn't want to be a nasty girl. I wanted to be a good girl .Good girls don't want sex. So I pretend that I don't want sex. It's hard with my husband because we hardly have sex at all. I feel like that is my fault. I feel guilty for wanting sex and I feel guitly for not having sex. It's very complicated. I feel very uncomfortable expressing my sexuality.

When I am manic or hypo-manic my sexuaity is hard to control. I feel guitly again because I can't control my sexuality when I am manic or hypo-manic. The feelings of guilt are overwhelming. Especially when I am depressed. I feel so ashamed of my illness.

When I went to college I was so excited. I wanted to get a degree and become a writer. I wanted to get a degree so bad. That's why I stayed  four years I wanted to get a degree. I spent twenty grand in student loans and I don't have a degree to show for it. I kept getting depressed when I was in school. I almost dropped out but I kept going because I wanted a degree. In 2002 I tried to finish my degree but I kept getting depressed. I couldn't finish no matter how hard I tried. This devestated me. I realised that I couldn't go to school. It really made me feel like a loser. I couldn't finish what I started. I felt so lazy and stupid.

Then I couldn't work. I tried to work but I couldn't do it. I was so bummed out about that. I felt so lazy and a loser. I tried to get on SSDI three times. Three times I was denied. I felt like a fraud. I felt like a liar. Maybe I could work. I tried but I couldn't find a job. I felt so discouraged. I would have depressions and feel like a burden to my husband who is supporting us. I felt so guilty about not being able to work. I knew I couldn't work. My sleep problems makes it impossible to have a regular day job. I get depressed then I can't do anything but sleep all day. It's frustrating when one can't control one's emotions.

So am full of all this guilt and shame about my illness. I don't tell people I am Bipolar. I keep it a dirty little secret. I don't know how I will explain to employers my thirteen year hiatus. I guess I will tell them that I  was writing during that time.

So I have alot of resentment toward  my parents because they didn't show me love during my childhood. I feel like I was robbed of a lot of things during my childhood that other people take for granted. I felt so ashamed of my illness and I felt alot of anger about being dealt the hand of cards I was dealt. I felt alot of anger towards God for creating me because He created me imperfect. I resent rich and successful people who don't have to worry about money. I let that resentment manifest itself in ways that made me feel even more guilty.

I just don't want to feel these thing anymore. I don't want to feel shame because of my illness. I have a brain disorder it's not my fault that I have had limitations. I don't have to hide my illness. I don't have to resent rich people. Although I don't know how to stop resenting them. My parents did the best they could I shouldn't fault them for their limitations. I got throug my manias alive and healthy I need to be thankful for that.I need to feel pround that I have stayed out of the hospital for nine years. I haven't killed myself which could have happened.

I just want to focus on the present and not kick myself about the past. I want to move on with my life and not dwell on things I couldn' t control .